Children’s Horror: R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: The Cabinet Of Souls (2015, dir. Peter DeLuise)

Posted on October 13, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

The movie begins and we see a girl walking down the street on Halloween. She smashes a pumpkin and Billy Corgan takes revenge on her because her eyes turn creepy. She runs into the forest and becomes a monster. Then the movie reminds me that if I don’t like it, it’s not director Peter DeLuise’s fault cause it’s called R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: Cabinet Of Souls. The missing “the” had to be donated to the band The The who lost one of their the’s in a tragic accident.

Now it’s one year later and the kids are putting on a high school production of Something Wicked This Way Comes. We are introduced to two guys and two girls. Seeing as I got over my Disney Channel addiction a few years ago, I only recognize Dove Cameron seen here in Liv makeup…unfortunately.

This is a horror movie that wastes no time in killing off people.

He is never heard from again after being killed by that candy apple. Just kidding.

Anyways, we now cut to Nora’s Dance & Ballet Academy Halloween Spooky Dance Contest. Cue the Suspiria (1977) footage!

It’s bad enough the High School Musical movies made Disney think we want dancing and singing kids again, but then Nora says this.

No! Don’t do it kids! That’s how we ended up with the movie Nudist Colony Of The Dead (1991)!

Then these two show up. That’s Dr. Hysteria (Andrew Kavadas) and Lilith (Katherine McNamara). Dr. Hysteria then invites the children to visit his Hall of Horrors which is a journey “into the wretched black heart of pure evil itself.” He’s exaggerating though since it’s just a haunted house. He’s not holding screenings of God’s Not Dead (2014), Let’s Be Cops (2014), and Frenemies (2012).

All jokes aside, both of those actors do good jobs in this movie. They manage to actually be creepy and evil right up till the end. He even kills a kid. No joke.

Because the local news station actually had a story with enough information for the first time in days, they air that the girl from the beginning of the movie is still missing. Now we meet a guy who is probably interchangeable with an actor from Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990). I’ll find out when I get to it.

He goes on to brag that he once surfed in a monsoon and outran an avalanche with a broken snowboard so he doesn’t scare easily. I sat through the god awful Extreme Ops (2002) knowing that a guy actually died scouting locations for that studio cash-grab on the extreme sports craze, so this guy didn’t scare me.

Oh, and this movie has kids rapping, so if you are a child, you might not want to show this to your parents because they will probably want you dead. But let’s get to the haunted house.

And I put this screenshot here just so everyone knows that it’s okay to start submitting to IMDb that an alternate title of this movie is Troll 4.

There are scary things in this haunted house such as what Calculus II would have looked like in the sequel to Freshman Father called Sophomore Father: Revenge of the Derivative! There is also a guy making inappropriate references to penises by pretending to sell “brains on a stick”. But nothing is as scary as that ginormous pink scarf they have Cameron wear in these scenes. Seriously, why? She looks like someone is going to throw a saddle on her and start riding her. Also, I played The Walking Dead and know that you don’t want something a zombie can easily grab on to. Of course she stumbles into a backroom during this sequence to to find that maybe some of these monsters are real.

After Cameron figures out that the missing girl has something to do with the Hall of Horrors from a site with a malformed URL that it shows a close up of for no good reason. We see Lilith insist on having this guy wrap his arms around her as they ride her bike before she whispers in his ear that her favorite movie is Joe D’Amato’s Porno Holocaust (1981). The kid is naturally scared by this seeing as his favorite movie with Mark Shannon is Italian Batman (1982).

Now the really creepy stuff starts happening. Dr. Hysteria takes kids in to the backroom and shows them their dreams through a portal he opens up in front of them. Their eyes flash and the kids are now his. We don’t know what that means exactly at this point, but we soon find out.

Inside The Cabinet Of Souls are kids standing around while a fog machine fills the room. It’s a little unclear, but I believe these are the kids souls while their bodies exist in the real world as monsters. It’s all a little unclear. We see some of the monsters walk into the kids bodies. And we see Dr. Hysteria feed off their souls. He does this to one kid who apparently only had one more shot to give cause she dies. I like children’s movies that don’t soft pedal the danger. Harry Potter may have been a bit much, but you get my point. Oh, and before I jump to the end. Just in case the kids aren’t already afraid of clowns.

I love the way this kid acts too. It’s like they gave him a copy of Beetlejuice, told him to watch it, and just do that. Oh, and here’s the kid dying.

He says she’s almost empty, then sucks that last bit of lifeforce from her body. She dissolves to the ground and he says “you were a good worker.” Again, kudos to the actors and the people involved with this production for making this movie genuinely creepy even while making it geared toward a younger audience.

The creepy stuff keeps getting more and more frequent until it finally comes down to whether Cameron is going to join the family or not. Notice two members of the family are rocking the Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, Part 2 look. Of course Cameron fights back and saves the kids, leaving Lilith, extreme sports guy, and Dr. Hysteria to go into a red oblivion.

I enjoyed this movie. Yeah, I’m sucker for kids movies cause I basically missed out on my childhood by being sick and at home through middle school and high school, but this was well made. I recommend it. Serious points to Andrew Kavadas for the character of Dr. Hysteria.

Hallmark Review: Accidentally in Love (2011, dir. David Burton Morris)

Posted on October 13, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Another really simple one. I always feel bad reviewing one of these cause I feel like I’m cheating somebody. Also, this isn’t one I could watch where I could take screenshots. Oh, well. It is what it is.

The movie begins and we are introduced to Eddie Avedon (Ethan Erickson) who plays Mulligan the bunny on a children’s TV show. As soon as the camera shuts off, he shoves the kid costar on the show out of the way. He then proceeds to bitch and moan about the costume before he finally gets it off. Of course he hops in his car and soon ends up behind Annie Benchley (Jennie Garth). Benchley’s old run down car breaks down so Avedon keeps honking at her till he makes an attempt to go around her car. And by attempt, I mean he runs into her car. Setup!

We already know that obviously Avedon would rather be doing something else careerwise so we need to be introduced to Benchley. Benchley has a daughter who is losing her eyesight. She loves the character of Mulligan the bunny. So of course the two are going to end up together. The daughter kind of melts his heart. There are no surprises here or anything particularly interesting to mention.

The problem with this film is that I didn’t really think two leads had any chemistry together. Also, Jennie Garth doesn’t fit in the role of a single mother who is down on her luck working as a waitress with a kid going blind. Call it the fault of starring on Beverly Hills, 90210 for too long, but I just couldn’t look at her face and accept her in the role. I accepted him, but I also never really warmed up to him.

Still, it was okay. There were decent supporting performances from Avedon’s friend (Zack Ward), Benchley’s mother (Marilu Henner), Avedon’s agent (Fred Willard), and I even kind of liked the kid costar (Adam Karelin). This one will pass some time for you.

Horror Film Review: Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator (1989, dir. Don Nardo)

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Wow! This was not what I expected at all. This is what I imagine Luis Bunuel would have made if he started his career as a low budget 1980s horror director. Since the characters have several names, I’m just going to refer to them by the actor’s names.

The movie begins and we are introduced to William Dame’s character as he seems to be a mechanic for planes. Two men show up, remove a ring from his finger, and proceed to knock him out by holding a plastic bag over his head. Then he wakes up in some house dressed in a tux and we meet Catherine Dee’s character.

Next we are introduced to an old lady who appears to want him to have sex with Dee for her amusement, and then have sex with her, or Dee dies. This whole scene plays out like something surreal you would expect from Bunuel, The Twilight Zone, or the like, but then…

just as Dame is about to have sex with the older lady, we are introduced to the third main character played by M.R. Murphy. I almost feel bad for giving away the twist that the old lady is a guy, but honestly, I could keep giving away twists all I want and it would still have something more up it’s sleeve.

I guess the best way I can sum it up is like this. We start off in what appears to be reality. Then we feel like we are in something truly surreal till the mirror breaks on that to reveal a new reality. This pattern of destroying the current setup for a new one repeats throughout the entire movie till it comes to it’s conclusion. But it’s not like we see them stop, then dress up for a new part. It’s like when a character wakes up from a dream, but it’s just another dream. Except it’s not annoying.

This is the one of the most interesting movies I’ve seen all year. I know this is not a movie for everyone. It’s weird, but it’s my kind of weird. It had me thinking about The Exterminating Angel (1962) and mostly The Criminal Life of Archibaldo de la Cruz (1955).

I’m not sure what else I can really say about this movie that doesn’t just lay out the plot for you. Doing that would ruin it if you wanted to watch it and it’s one of those movies I think loses so much in the translation to words. Here are a few of the highlights and some closing thoughts, followed by the movie itself which is available on YouTube.

I guess my only real complaint about the movie is that they didn’t make it even more surreal. That, and I actually wanted it to keep going longer. I love that the movie nearly takes place entirely inside this one house. It gave it that claustrophobic feeling of The Exterminating Angel, while the resetting of the characters and their relationships kind of reminded me of The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie (1972). Seriously, this movie had me thinking about Bunuel throughout it. That’s a good thing!

Not for everybody, but I was very pleasantly surprised.

Horror Film Review: Rise Of The Animals (2011, dir. Chris Wojcik)

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I think this is the only other obviously shot on digital video low budget film from the 2010s I’ve seen this year. The other being the mildly enjoyable A Portrait of Female Desperation (2012). Which by the way has a user review left by who I can only assume is the director of the movie I recently reviewed called I Married With A Vampire. Somehow I think it’s the same Jay Raskin. But this isn’t a mockumentary like that movie was. This is about killer animals.

The movie begins with a house we see through a dutch tilt. Of course that means things aren’t right. And yep, the cat tries to attack a girl so she hits it with a frying pan and destroys it in a garbage disposal. Then cut to a kid that is her son calling her on the phone because it looks like the dad has just been killed by a killer squirrel.

The squirrel tries to chase the kid down, but he gets to a car and jumps on top of it. The mom shows up and shoots the squirrel. But that’s when the dog jumps out of the car and kills her offscreen. We are left seeing the kid hopelessly running away from the killer dog when the opening credits roll.

Clearly, Bill Cosby failed in Leonard, Part 6 because the animals have risen to destroy us. We now meet two of our three main characters. Two idiots driving around in a car for way too long in order to pad out the film. One delivers pizzas. They were going to go to a movie, but since they apparently live in that part of Texas where GPS fails, they don’t make it. However, they do find the Slumber Party Massacre Evil Dead cabin to deliver the pizzas too. Our main idiot spots a blonde with big tits so that means a sex scene. Sort of. But first this happens.

This is one of the dumbest sex scenes I have ever seen. All you need to know is that he loves this girl, and she is who he will be looking for during the rest of the movie. The next morning is when shit gets real. And by shit getting real, I mean puppets attacking people.

Hey, it’s still better than the CGI birds in Birdemic (2010)! Main idiot’s friend’s sister is at the party and she’s a bit of a badass in this. In fact, the rest of the movie can be summed up as Rachel (Stephanie Motta) and the idiots travel across country as she beats up animals.

Deer problem? She electrocutes that sucker till it burns.

Horse problem? She beats that horse to the ground with her fists and legs.

Bear problem? She cuts it’s head off with what I think is a sword she pulled out of thin air.

The rest of the film plays out like a zombie movie with the world crumbling around these three people as the boy and girl develop a relationship. The main idiot is trying to find the blonde because he thinks hopelessly that they are meant to be together. There’s even the crazy apocalypse DJ on the radio while they are driving.

It’s a stupid movie, don’t get me wrong, but it’s kind of fun. I really appreciated that when they could, they used actual animals or puppets. They obviously learned from those ridiculous scenes in Birdemic.

This one is fun for a bad monster movie night.

WTF?!? Horror: Space Zombie Bingo!!! (1993, dir. George Ormrod)

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Where to start with this thing? Ever seen that movie called Sex Galaxy from 2008 that is made up of public domain footage? That’s the only other movie I can think of that resembles this film. Only difference is it that I’m pretty sure that the majority of this is original footage.

The whole movie plays out like a 1950s sci-fi horror monster movie. Except shot in a crazy no budget manner using stock footage with crazy filters and costumes. The plot is that zombies from the evil planet Plankton are invading and incompetent military folks try and fight back while KILL-TV reports on it.

Here’s an example of one of the zombies.

I have never heard a movie use that word so many times in my entire life. And they don’t even look like zombies. Although, there is a dissection scene and of all things, a sex scene between the hero Major Kent Bendover (William Darkow) and one of the zombies. You can even see something ejaculate during that part. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be, but it happens several times during the scene.

They even insert a spaceship into what appears to be stock footage from the Vietnam War.

I could go on posting screenshot after screenshot of this insanity, but it’s actually available online. To tell you the truth, it actually does make some sense. I mean there is a plot. You kind of get what is going on in general, but it is one of the most messed up things I have watched in a long time.

If you dare! Or to quote Crisko, the narrator:

“You who remain are about to witness a story so terrible, so disgusting, that no living human brain can withstand it and remain sane. You will pay the ultimate price for viewing the terrible true story of zombies, zombies, zombies from outer space!”

Hallmark Review: How To Fall In Love (2012, dir. Mark Griffiths)

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

The movie begins 20 years in the past, which I guess would mean this starts in the year 1992.

That’s Harold and Annie. Little problem here. In the present, Harold is played by Eric Mabius and Annie is played by Brooke D’Orsay. Mabius was 21 years old in 1992 and D’Orsay was only 10. Oops! Oh, well. The age difference didn’t cause any problems for me. This opening scene sets up why Harold is so down on himself in the present. He really cared for her and she just kind of wanted to have fun. All very innocent, but he took it hard.

Cut to 20 years later and we see Harold has grown up to be Clark Kent, mild mannered account and photographer in his free time. Now we are introduced to my favorite character in the movie.

No, not Harold’s friend who gets him to seek out a dating coach. I mean the red Bluetooth headset on his head. I’m pretty sure he wears that thing in all but his last scene in the movie. Sorry, but that thing made me laugh every time it appeared onscreen. Especially since we only see him use it once in the entire movie.

Now we meet the modern day Annie. She lives with her sister and is out of work. Her sister gives her a swift kick in the butt and she gets a job as a waitress.

After Harold and Annie run into each other a couple of times and Annie finds out he’s looking for a dating coach, she offers her services. You all know where this goes after this.

Well, I mean besides another great appearance by the Bluetooth headset. She agrees to take him through eight lessons on dating. Although, I swear I missed Lesson 2 somehow. Thankfully, one of the first lessons is getting rid of those glasses. It’s not the glasses themselves, but combined with the way Mabius acts, we keep thinking of Clark Kent. Once he gets rid of them he’s basically like his character in Signed, Sealed, Delivered except not wound tighter than a drum. The rest of the lessons get him into a relationship that isn’t really right for him while moving him closer and closer to Annie.

The only real problem I had with this movie for a while was D’Orsay. She is kind of the living embodiment of bubbling champagne. That was a bit of a problem because of the way they introduce her character. It makes it difficult to warm up to her rather than see her as kind of a shallow conman. Luckily, at least for me, that started to fade and she became lovable. Honestly, I think the credit goes to D’Orsay because my impression of her seemed to change at the right points in the plot.

There is also a nice little supporting role from Kathy Najimy as Annie’s waitress friend.

These two aren’t on caliber with Kavan Smith and Kellie Martin as far as Hallmark couples go, but they’re much better than the usual. I can say I recommend this one.

I just wish this movie would have given me that much needed resolution I hoped for concerning the Bluetooth headset. At least in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) we do see Max get that ridiculous thing off his face. I wanted the story behind what happened to this thing. Too bad.

Hallmark Review: Straight From The Heart (2003, dir. David S. Cass Sr.)

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

You know what the best part of Straight From The Heart is for me?

It’s that I’m almost 100% positive that’s the director David S. Cass Sr. With this movie, I will have seen 15 of his Hallmark movies. It’s nice to finally put a face with the name. The reason being that they refer to him as Mr. Cass in the movie.

Correction: According to a commenter identifying themselves as David S. Cass Sr. himself, that is most certainly NOT a picture of him.

Anyways, he’s asking a photographer named Jordan Donovan (Teri Polo) if she likes garbage, not because her photos are garbage, but because she likes taking pictures of garbage. Work isn’t going well for her. Now we are introduced to a cowboy named Tyler Ross (Andrew McCarthy). Friends and family of these two decide to play matchmaker and with an ad in Country Connections, Jordan is in now in the country with Tyler.

Honestly, there is less to talk about here than most. Sure there are details. He lost a wife and child. There is an issue with wild horses and his property that has ties back to his father in law from the now dead wife. Jordan was proposed to, sort of, before she came to the country. By sort of, I mean he asked her to move in with him, but not marriage.

None of that is really too important. What you have here is the cowboy who is damaged. A photographer who is a little lost both in her work and personal life. Then you have this little matchmaking scheme that gets them to spend some time together. They go through a series of different experiences together developing a friendship.

This is one of those really early Hallmark movies so it looks good. You can tell more money went into this then the stuff you see nowadays on the channel. That also means it’s one of those that censors itself. Twice, Jordan says the word “butt” and it falls silent on the word. It’s still in the captions though.

The acting is good too. In fact, I would be recommending this as one of the best one’s I have seen if it didn’t have one problem that really bothers me. I don’t really see any reason that these two people should end up together as lovers. It doesn’t make sense. It makes perfect sense that they should end up as close friends, but asking me to buy them as lovers feels as genuine as if she were a mail order bride and they just lived happily ever after. I see these two people as having helped to heal each other, not fell in love with each other. That part felt forced to me. Especially the ending where it almost felt like he shows up just out of obligation to the script.

If that part doesn’t bother you, then this is worth seeing. It certainly is one of the best looking Hallmark movies I’ve seen.

Hallmark Review: A Novel Romance (2015, dir. Mark Griffiths)

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I wonder how many of these Hallmark movies revolve around books either by having a writer in it, a bookstore owner, or an editor? Luckily, this one is kind of enjoyable. However, it is very simple so I am going to keep this short. The setup, some highlights, and humorous goofs to look for.

The movie opens with an author named Liam (Dylan Bruce) who writes romance novels under the pseudonym Gabriel August. There is going to be a big reveal that he is Gabriel August soon. Then Sophie (Amy Acker) comes into his life when they end up sitting side by side on a plane. This is one of those movies where somebody meets someone else, they know they like them, and they make sure not to let that opportunity pass them up. In this case, Liam knows he wants to have Sophie in his life.

Sophie is a writer for a newspaper. She writes different things, but mainly focuses on book reviews which are her bread and butter. Unfortunately, when she gets back to her job it turns out the paper is in such trouble that the boss comes right out and tells everyone to essentially act like radio shock jocks. As a result, Sophie writes a lackluster review for Liam’s new book.

Liam just sees this as the girl he met on the plane and a way to find her again.

The only other piece of the setup that is important is that Sophie once dated someone famous and it all blew up in her face. Liam hasn’t told her that he is Gabriel August. And it goes from there.

The leads are good in this. So are the supporting actors. Charles S. Dutton is nice to see as the bartender. My only real problem is how much she blows up when she finds out he is Gabriel August. We really don’t have enough details about the previous relationship and we don’t see him give her any reason to have a problem with him turning out to be Gabriel August. A little more information there would have helped to make the final speed bump in their relationship more believable.

There are a few things with the computer screens, but they aren’t really goofs so much as little oddities. If you do watch this then keep an eye out for when they show her cellphone screen. I swear the interface completely changed three times during the movie. However, the most interesting thing is this.

It’s like they de-Peopled a People magazine.

This one is fine. Forgettable, but fine. However, both leads are on major TV shows so that might make it more interesting for some people. Dylan Bruce is on Orphan Black and Amy Acker is on Person Of Interest. I don’t watch either show though.

Horror Film Review: I Married A Vampire (1987, dir. Jay Raskin)

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

What the hell did I watch here?

Okay, I think I know what happened here. Jay Raskin took Ousmane Sembene’s Mandabi (1968), Jacques Rivette’s Celine And Julie Go Boating (1974), threw in some revenge, and topped it off with the appearance of a vampire near the end of the movie. Seriously, I think this guy was fresh out of film school when he made this. It even directly references Dreyer’s Vampyr (1932) at the end when they go to see it in a theater.

I guess I need to try and explain this stupid thing so I can go back to recovering from hernia surgery.

The movie begins with Viola (Rachel Golden) telling her parents named Morris (David Dunton) and Doris (Kathryn Karnes) that she is married to a vampire. Now we cut back to when she first came to the city in order to tell us how she ended up with a vampire.

One of her first encounters is with a guy who tells her he wants to put her “on Fire Avenue”. That’s a new pickup line for me, but maybe people did talk like that back in 1983 when this movie was actually shot. Now she needs to find a place to live.

Turns out this lady lives in the same building.

Now she tries to find a job, but all the positions she calls about are filled. That’s when she runs into a member of MBC. That stands for Mohammad Buddha Christ. She attends one of the meetings.

Now she is brainwashed and when Mr. Fire Avenue asks her again, she trusts that an amulet she was given will protect her. Go figure, it doesn’t, and she gets raped. Luckily, this kind rapist has a job for her cleaning floors.

Wondering where the vampire is? Well, 50 minutes into this 90 minute movie is when we meet our vampire Robespiere (Brendan Hickey). Of course, he isn’t like any other vampire we know from other movies such as he leaves a reflection in a mirror.

Now we get the exciting cleaning 1983 computers and playing the arcade game Gravitar scenes. Then this happens.

Isn’t this almost the same way that Celine and Julie met in Celine And Julie Go Boating? Been too long since I watched it. Anyways, I don’t think this has anything to do with anything.

The rest of the movie is just Viola and the vampire going back to the people that wronged her and seeking revenge on them. I didn’t even mention the lawyer named Leachman. At least the rapist gets his comeuppance.

Then we cut back to Viola and her parents meet the vampire. THE END.

The idea of her being fleeced by everyone she meets reminded me of Mandabi. All the cinematography made me think of Celine And Julie Go Boating. I don’t know why there had to be any revenge and nor do I know what the hell a vampire was doing in this movie.

I know this is the kind of movie that some people will latch onto and love, but I’m not one of them. It really just felt like someone who threw together elements from movies they watched in college in an attempt to both deliver some social commentary while encouraging people to watch art films. And no, I’m not pulling that last bit out of my ass. The movie actually has several parts that put down slasher movies, but then when things are right again, they go see Dreyer’s Vampyr. One of the dumbest things I’ve watched all year.

Oh, and this damn poster is so misleading.

She looks nowhere near as hot as that. And does that look like a vampire to you? It looks like the guy from the cover of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the NES.

I haven’t seen a poster that misleading since the one for After Sex (1997) AKA Post Coitum.

Steer clear of this one.

Horror Film Review: Rockula (1990, dir. Luca Bercovici)

Posted on October 7, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I hate to say it, but I think Monster High is better than Rockula. For all of Monster High’s problems, stuff happened in it. This movie has some memorable characters and a funny setup, but then it just devolves into a series of musical numbers. Most are performed onstage so they have an in film context, but there is at least one that is done like you would expect from a music video. On the other hand, this does have Bo Diddley, Thomas Dolby, and Toni Basil in it. However, while we do see Diddley with his square guitar, never is Toni Basil dressed like a cheerleader and nor does Thomas Dolby become blinded by science.

The film opens and we are introduced to our lead named Ralph (Dean Cameron). He lives with his mother Phoebe (Toni Basil). They are both vampires. We are also introduced to the Ralph in the mirror.

In this movie, Ralph has another version of himself that is trapped inside every mirror he looks into. This is one of the highlights of the movie because his mirror self is quite funny. Like when he finds that a fun house mirror that stretches him out has increased more than just the length of his body.

Next we go to the exposition dump bar and learn about the setup of this film. Let me see if I can get this right. Sometime around the 17th century he met a girl named Mona and fell in love with her. But she had a boyfriend who was a pirate. Ralph and Mona were going to slip off and get married, but the boyfriend found out. Ralph and the boyfriend get in a fight. The boyfriend loses his sword and Mona gets killed by a hambone to the head. Ralph tried to save her, but since there were 20 pissed off pirates, he fled. Since she was killed before he could lose his virginity to her, she is now reincarnated every 22 years until they get it right. The day after the bartender tells us this story Ralph is going to meet Mona once again. And he unless he falls in love with her and saves her, a crazed pirate with a rhinestone peg leg will kill her on Halloween. Got that? Well, as you can imagine, Ralph is a little depressed. Or as Bo Diddley says.

Oh, and the sun doesn’t do anything to Ralph. Also, he has a similar scheme to Robert Sean Leonard in My Best Friend Is A Vampire (1987). The Red Cross Blood Mobile makes deliveries to him. Crosses don’t do anything to him either. Basically take everything you know about vampires and throw it the window. Well, he can turn into a bat. Just not a very impressive one.

All you really need to know is that he must lose his virginity to Mona otherwise a peg leg pirate will kill her leaving him sexless for another 22 years. Remember, this came out in 1990. The 1980’s were still going on in the heads of many people.

In short order, he runs into Mona. Mona is a singer. To be honest, I’m not sure how Thomas Dolby’s character is related to her other than that they are close and he sells really bizarre things for dead people.

To win over Mona, Ralph becomes ROCKULA!

Unfortunately, this did come out in 1990. So this happens to:

That is Bo Diddley on the right doing what I really hope was the least dignified thing of his career. If there was worse, then I don’t want to see it.

I could stop here and say I don’t want to spoil the ending of Rockula so I have an excuse to stop writing. But who cares about the ending and you already know what happens, so here it goes. Thomas Dolby gets really jealous and Toni Basil helps him to become the pirate with the rhinestone peg leg.

They duel, and Ralph wins. Dolby is knocked into a cryogenic pod that is conveniently there and drifts off to sleep thinking that a nine iron is an extension of his penis. No, seriously, the machine keeps telling him that as he drifts off to sleep.

Ralph and Mona live happily ever after. But wait, there’s one loose end. What about the Ralph in the mirror? That Ralph breaks the mirror on his end and emerges as this.

No explanation given for this at all. He just goes out on stage and sings while the credits roll. Who needs explanations? Ralph lost his virginity, Dolby will never be hyperactive again, Toni Basil is fine after getting hit by a hambone during the duel, and Bo Diddley is dead so he doesn’t have to worry about me reminding people this movie exists. Everyone’s happy.

Well, let’s leave Bo Diddley with a little dignity.