Film Review: Chatterbox! (1977, dir. Tom DeSimone)

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I’ve known about this movie for awhile now because of The Cinema Snob. I knew it was one of at least four talking vagina movies from the 1970s. MGM Impact even had a warning on it that said “Impact elements of action include: Talking Vagina Tv”. None of that really prepared me for actually watching this movie. And they should have added the boom mic as an action element in this movie. That sucker pops in all the time, and at really odd times in odd places. Well, since the movie jumps right to it, let’s jump right to it. Penelope (Candice Rialson) is lying in bed with her boyfriend when chimes ring and a voice starts talking saying it wasn’t happy with the sex it just received. Then we learn what’s making the noise.

It takes the characters way too long in this movie to realize it’s her vagina talking. Even though the sound is coming from a different place, it’s not Penelope’s voice, and sometimes people are looking directly at her face when it happens. Her boyfriend isn’t happy with the pussy talk and storms off.

Penelope works at a beauty parlor and here comes the attack of the boom mic.

It’s Rip Taylor doing a flamboyant gay stereotype. I think the boom mic could have picked him up just fine out of frame. It really looks like it’s going to hit him on the head. Oh, but it gets better. Penelope decides to confide in a friend about her little problem.

Yep, the boom mic is below them as if Candice Rialson’s vagina is actually going to speak and the microphone needs to be there to pick it up. The boom mic also swings back and forth between the two actresses during this scene staying visible most of the time.

Now a customer comes into the place and because it’s the 1970s, Penelope is wearing this.

Penelope’s vagina starts talking, so she runs into the back room. The vagina apparently has eyes too since it knew the lady was a lesbian and was checking her out. You know one thing leads to another at beauty parlors and before you know it, this happens.

Of course Rip Taylor comes in and breaks things up.

Penelope decides to see a psychiatrist about her problem and it turns out the vagina can not just talk and apparently see, but can sing too. He immediately decides to exploit the talking vagina for money and books her on a show. This is as much as I can show without resorting to black boxes.

Then we get a ridiculous scene where she gets pulled over by a cop and the talking vagina gets her arrested. She is then bailed out by the boyfriend from the beginning of the film. Seriously, the only reason I can think of that the scene exists is to remind us that the boyfriend is still a character in this movie. The boyfriend storms off, but the psychiatrist/agent takes her out and walks with her through a park. This is when the film tries to give some meaning to this talking vagina situation. He says that it’s her otherwise anonymous organ crying out to have attention paid to it. Sadly, this is leading to an ending that makes no sense. Also, they have named the vagina Virginia.

Penelope listens to the doc and Virginia so she decides to walk the street dressed like this.

And wouldn’t you know it. It attracts some unwanted attention. Go figure! Of course it does lead to her being rescued by a bunch of jocks. Yep! Just yep.

The next morning she gets a call that Virginia and her have been booked on another show. And there you go.

Did I mention this movie is quite the experience to watch. Now she has become a huge star and you can tell because of the newspaper and magazine montage. This includes such classics as the headlines “Odds Go Down On Virginia” and “Police Close Virginia’s Opening”. Then, well, I expected to see plenty of Turkish Supermen, but I never expected to see the ‘S’ there.

Things get even wackier when Penelope’s mother shows up and gets in on the act. There’s also a really stupid restaurant scene with bad jokes. Then Penelope decides to try and patch things up with the boyfriend. They even make it so far as the bed before Virginia pisses him off and he’s out the door again.

Now she goes on a version of The Dating Game called The Mating Game. This scene and the sequence that follows only exist because the writers must have thought the talking vagina alone wasn’t funny enough so this needed to happen.

Yep! She gets dressed up like a princess and he walks in dressed in full armor. He even lays down on the bed with her that way. The next morning he tells her he can’t see her anymore via a fortune cookie. No joke. He says all of his fortune cookies say goodbye. This is followed by more coming to fame stuff including Hollywood Walk of Fame stars and concrete feet. Then she’s going to be in a movie directed by a guy who wants people to know his movie isn’t “just the first film to star a real cunt.” I do love that considering the number of times the boom mic pops into frame in the movie itself, we can actually see the boom mic for the movie within the movie. Then the actual movie starts. Here’s are a few shots of this insanity.

She runs off the set and goes to jump off a cliff. This is when the movie ends in the dumbest way possible.

Yep! Even though it makes no sense, the boyfriend had a talking penis this whole time. It and Virginia sing together before Penelope and him run to each other for a final embrace.

THE END!

This is one of the weirdest things I have ever sat through. It’s not good, but it’s strange enough that I kind of do recommend it. Also, I will be tracking down Pussy Talk, Pussy Talk 2, and Angel Above – The Devil Below as a result. Cause once I’ve sat through this one, I might as well sit through the others too. Plus, I’ve heard that Pussy Talk is actually good and is a bit of a landmark in French cinema. But I think I need a little break before I come back to this genre.

Turkish Film Fest: Kilink vs. Django/Cango – korkusuz adam (1967, dir. Remzi Jöntürk)

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Let me address the first question on your mind. Does it use the famous Django (1966) theme song included below?

Unfortunately, no. But it does use the one from For A Few Dollars More (1965).

Now comes the time when I actually have to talk about this thing. Why? Can’t I just say it’s not good and leave it at that? Okay, fine, but it won’t be much.

The movie begins with the McLee family and Mr. McLee’s nephew Tom (Tunç Oral).

Tom is supposed to take charge of the new family gold mine. Enter Kilink known as the Death Rider in this one.

Before Tom can really take charge of things, Kilink kills Mr. McLee.

Tom swears vengeance and asks everyone to call him Django, or Cango as my subtitles kept saying despite Tom audibly saying Django.

And that’s about it as far as the main plot goes. There’s a bunch of stuff that seems to be happening, but I couldn’t really tie it back to anything unless it was on the rare occasion that Django actually showed up or Kilink severed a guy’s arm.

Other than that, it’s just Western stuff that keeps happening while the two characters, who should be at the center of things, are on the periphery. Kilink even takes off his mask in this. Kilink never did that in the other three ones I watched.

I’m sure I could pick up some more of the plot if I watched it again, but I don’t care. So much of it felt like padding with a bunch of characters I don’t need to know about. Every once in awhile Django or Kilink would interject to presumably move things along, but they should have been at the center of everything going on. It was not a good time watching this movie.

Only watch this if you are a die hard fan of Kilink. I don’t think I can even recommend it for people who like seeing Django pop up in odd places. Oh, well. Can’t win ’em all.

Turkish Film Fest: Turkish Rambo/Rampage/Korkusuz (1986, dir. Çetin Inanç)

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Right up front I have to say that this is a big step down from Turkish First Blood. Yes, the actor who plays Rambo resembles the character more than Cüneyt Arkin did. However, what made Arkin so good was his delivery, not his muscles or a more genuinely wounded soldier look. He was intimidating and he made the action exciting. He filled his role with an enthusiasm that isn’t matched even remotely by this Rambo. Oh, and the print I watched had good subtitles, but it looked more radioactive then the set of The Conquerer (1956). Let’s talk about the movie.

Just like the first two Kilink movies, this one opens with the equivalent of a trailer of the movie you are about to watch that seems to seamlessly blend into the beginning of the movie. As such, we are immediately shown this movies Rambo named Serdar (Serdar Kebapçilar). As you can see, he’s got the muscles, and he’s got the I can and will kill you if needed, but I’m permanently wounded inside look about him. We’ll skip the rest of the trailer, cause that’s the rest of the movie. A rest of the movie that is kind of confusing. There is a lot of who is actually working for who stuff going on here. I will try to navigate it, but it’s really just something you wade through to reach the action sequences.

This guy has been given a blank check to just do whatever he needs to in order to stop these bandits/terrorists in the mountains. He arranges a hit on a car so that some of the bandits will get captured. It’s a little unclear to me how this worked since it appears some people died, but regardless, they now have some of them in prison where they are conveniently placed in the neighboring cell to Serdar. They send Serdar and the bandits away to be delivered to the appropriate authorities when Serdar arranges a breakout.

The men he helped escape agree to take him to their leader. Serdar gives them that choice, or death. At this point, I think we are cutting between the military guys and Serdar helping the other guys, but I think the military guys are shooting at them too. Doesn’t matter because we get another scene like in Turkish First Blood where the girl is having trouble getting up the slightest of inclines.

This, the one in Turkish First Blood, and Black Widow’s capture in Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015) are the least inconvenient character inconveniences I’ve seen since that guy named Julius tried to fight Jason on the rooftop in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989).

Now Serdar is taken to a home. I’m not to sure about what goes on here, but Serdar kills some people and his love interest comes out of it.

It’s interesting that director Çetin Inanç returned from Turkish First Blood to make the sequel. He’s not the only one who returned.

Super over the top bad guy returns as well. Now the movie really is just a long string of torture scenes before Serdar goes all Rambo on them. In other words, highlights!

It appears that the big bad guy decides to send Serdar out on a mission for him, but that doesn’t really work out. This is when the action largely takes over the rest of the film. Unfortunately, this is like the last 20 minutes or so of the movie. There are a few dialogue exchanges between Serdar and the girl. More highlights!

The flying knife thing makes a return in Turkish Rambo.

With big bad guy dead after excessive use of a rocket launcher, Serdar is congratulated and let go to return to his unit. End of story!

Watch Turkish First Blood first, then go ahead and take a look at Turkish Rambo. It’s nowhere near as good, but it has it’s moments.

Turkish Film Fest: Turkish First Blood/Vahsi Kan (1983, dir. Çetin Inanç)

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

This is one of the most awesome things I have sat through in my entire life. It’s mindless entertainment with frantic editing and cinematography that helps to keep an intense pace. Cüneyt Arkin kicks massive amounts of ass and I don’t care how old he is, he should be in the next Expendables movie. The soundtrack is so epic that you could play it over Moses parting the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments or one of those battles made up of a cast of thousands. I even landed a version that clearly had machine translated subtitles which means I sort of get what was going on, but they say it in the most hilarious way possible. The only issue to say up front is that if you get motion sickness easily, then maybe this isn’t for you because the camera points upward and spins. Not too often, but combined with everything else, it might get you. Otherwise, stop reading now and just go watch it. Turn off your brain and just enjoy.

For those of you who actually want to read about this film first, here we go!

The movie opens up on a house party which is soon invaded by a gang that I will probably see again when I watch Turkish Mad Max. They are looking for somebody and they aren’t going to leave even when one of the people tells them to “get out you fuckers!!!” There’s a fair amount violence here before it cuts to a pair of panties on a woman. She just turns and leaves the room where a guy comes in, wakes a guy up, and kicks him to death.

Now comes one of the oddest scenes in the movie. A lady who is in several of these Turkish movies is driving a car with a child and an old man. They come across what appear to be dead bodies. But then they get up and come towards the car after them. And by come after them, I mean they totally act like zombies.

The only reason I know they weren’t actually zombies is because the leader of that gang finally calls them off of her. It’s the weirdest thing in this movie. You keep wondering are they trying to rape her or literally take a bite out of her. It’s not clear what was going on in this scene even after you find out they’re not zombies.

After the camera gets knocked on it’s side…

and she introduces this guy’s chest to a branch…

we cut to Cüneyt Arkin playing this movie’s Rambo named Riza. He is being walked in handcuffs by two soldiers. They try to help out. It leaves her free to show up later in the film, and Riza to do the leave town scene from First Blood. But first, we are introduced to the main villain of the movie.

Best I can figure is that he comes from Riza’s military past, is a bit of a gangster, and has a personal grudge with Riza. I think Riza was involved with the death or maiming of his son or someone he cared for, which is why he was being taken to court. It’s also why his gang seemed to be trying to eliminate any witnesses that could derail the upcoming court case for him.

Now Riza is walking down the road and passes the gang. They tell him to leave and he doesn’t. In fact he walks behind them as they drive away and seems to be able to walk as fast as they can drive. They turn around, but the way it’s done it does make it look like he magically transported in front of them. Now they take him to some ruins. This is when we get some of those glorious subtitles.

Then they beat him. This is the equivalent to the scene in First Blood where they pull the razor out to shave him and Rambo flips out. This scene is actually done quite well as it cuts from Riza tied up and cut in flashback to them beating him in the present, while a shot of his unflinching face is zoomed in on.

Arkin is pretty intimating and you know these guys are in trouble. Then this happens.

He breaks free and apparently there is a heavily forested area nearby. They follow him into the forest and we do the whole jumping off the cliff thing. It cuts him up, but he’s fine. He’s Cüneyt Arkin. The man punches rocks.

See! He’s fine. He just got hit by some ketchup on the way down. Now we meet this movie’s Colonel Trautman.

He is trying to deal with the villain of the movie who isn’t listening. The guy tries to tell him he has hundred of witnesses, but Trautman says witnesses are for sale. It doesn’t matter what he says because this guy says “Riza was convicted and he is outlaw now.”

After emerging from leaves and rolling from one part of the forest into another, he kills and eats a crab that is stock footage one minute, then actually there.

Next we meet this guy who isn’t happy with Riza as you can see. I’m not sure if he is supposed to be the son of the bad guy who he said was dead or is just somebody else who is angry with Riza. Regardless,

To which the guy responds “I have to see his carcass clad. I’m a dead, everybody will die!”

Now Riza finds himself in a cave that I’m pretty sure is Superman’s lair from The Return Of Superman. The director of that film was even involved in the production of this movie. Guy still has an unfortunate first name. Especially when this film is introduced in the opening credits as a Kunt Film.

Anyways, after angry no arms and legs guy kills a guy with a bomb and Riza cuts something off his skin with a knife, the film really starts to get manic with it’s editing. Riza is digging in, Trautman is beginning his search for Riza, and the gang head into the forest some more to get themselves killed. I know The Cinema Snob review of this already mentioned it, but seriously, sometimes it does look like Cüneyt Arkin is posing for the epic soundtrack.

Meanwhile, more bad subtitles.

Now that Riza has a walkie talkie, they start to try and reach out to him, but he basically ignores them. He hears someone and throws the knife and pins the girl from the beginning of the movie against a tree. After unpinning her we get a scene that rivals Black Widow being captured for what felt like three minutes in Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015).

Riza just walks up that tiny little incline, but she seems to be having all the trouble in the world. You’d think she has something wrong with her leg or something that could explain this, but I didn’t catch anything. She was standing before, and stands up the second he gives her his hand. I get why we see her bathe in a river though. She’s beautiful and she could use a little wash after the attack at the beginning of the film. Then she gets out of the water and walks over to Riza and the epic music kicks in. It’s hilarious. Think he’s going to do anything about it. Nope. It just cuts to her dressed and they eat. There’s a lot of sudden cuts in this movie.

Time to go back to the bad guy who does a great job playing a really deliriously angry man who wants Riza dead. That, and more hilarious subtitled lines.

To borrow from The New York Dolls song Stranded In The Jungle: Meanwhile, back in the jungle. Riza is wearing a bush, then we cut to the girl in the caves. It’s supposed to be rain on the outside of the caves, but it sounds more like some monster is scratching at the walls to come and get her. That, or rocks falling from the sky. But then Riza shows up and suddenly those effects go away. Now they try some more to get in touch with Riza on the radio. Then he and the girl have a brief exchange in which we find out some more about Riza.

It’s all clear to me now. Actually he does go on to say “a war between good and bad but who is the good?”

At this point, it’s basically non-stop action. So let’s just do some highlights.

Now the bad guys have Riza and the girl corned in a cave. They bring in a bulldozer, a giant hammer, and explosives to try and kill him. It does kill her, but Cüneyt Arkin of course emerges from the rubble.

He now does this mad run where he slits the throats of each person he meets basically without stopping.

They try to drive away, but you can’t escape Cüneyt Arkin. He’ll just grab onto the car, which he does. Then he has a final battle with the gang leader.

Now Riza just has the big bad guy to deal with and the maimed guy. Riza just shoots the bad guy in the head after giving him some parting words. Then we finally learn what this armless and legless guy’s problem is with Riza.

Riza and this guy were fighting in a desert with the camera on it’s side. The guy got ahold of some water, drank it, then ran into a minefield. The guy tries to blow him up, but Riza figures it out and it’s the guy who blows up instead. With everyone dead, Riza is apparently a free man now, and he walks away from the townsfolk and Trautman.

He truly became “honoured wild blood.”

Nothing I can say about this can do it justice. I’ve seen The Cinema Snob review numerous times and even it doesn’t do it justice using actual clips from it. You’ve got to see it to believe it. It’s so much 80s action fun. Also, it’s honestly pretty well put together. It does a great job of keeping the crazy pace and that soundtrack will periodically kick in to give you dose of adrenaline. Whether you find it with subtitles or not, just see it.

Turkish Film Fest: Kilink: Strip and Kill/Kilink soy ve öldür (1967, dir. Yilmaz Atadeniz)

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Wow! This should have been called Kilink: Strip, Kill, and Please Explain This Movie To Me. Well, when this happens, you can turn to somebody else’s plot summary. Let’s see what it says on IMDb:

The 3rd of the long Kilink series picks up exactly where the 2nd film (KILINK UCAN ADAMA KARSI) left off. This time Kilink is between 2 rival gangs and manages to turn one against the other. All of them are after a precious microfilm and a big foreign treasure. Kilink proves to be the most perfect Fantomas of them all, changing disguises more often than he changes socks. At the same time, it’s raining gorgeous ladies all over the place. Most of them rivals….All of them falling for him or off balconies, pushed by him. In a brilliant sequence, he punches a treacherous pussycat, strangles her with his bare hands and chucks her off a balcony. The film features the classic torture-the-tied-woman scenes. In one of them, even a snake is used for a quicker confession. Endless shootouts, car chases, murders, beat ups and plot twists make this sequel one of the best Turkish auctioneers ever. This time, our anti-hero proves to be a real HERO in at least one instance! But above all he proves to be a fine nationalist who loves and supports his country!!

Hmmm…it is the third movie in the series. I know that because I watched Kilink In Istanbul and Kilink vs. The Flying Man. That part is right. Not sure how long running this could be seeing as I can only find one more of these Kilink films, but maybe there are more.

It does pick up where the first one left off. Well, first it tells us this one is “fictional, based on comics and fairytales.” I get the fictional and comic book part, but what messed up fairytales is this based on? Okay, then it does go to the ending of the second film.

At the end of Kilink vs. The Flying Man he did fall off a tower to his death. Or at least as much of a death as a character like Kilink can have. But then he seems to just magically pop up again. They don’t even pull a Hell Up In Harlem (1973) for this. He’s just back.

He’s with a girl of course. I guess Turkish women in the 1960s all had a Zentai fetish. He tells her he needs to go to “a place you cannot even imagine.” And by that, he means “New York, honey”. And by New York, I’m pretty sure he means San Francisco.

I can’t honestly say for sure because I’m no expert on either city, despite living next door to San Francisco, but that doesn’t look like New York to me. There’s also these two shots as well. Even if I did know them better, the stock footage looks so bad that I’d still probably not recognize either city.

Plot summary said Kilink is going to get in between two rival gangs. This is when you know you’ve just starting watching one of the weirdest Kilink movies. Oh, and the movie began with music from Dragnet, and I’m pretty sure that along with the James Bond stuff, they have also lifted music from Forbidden Planet (1956).

Yep, a bunch of guys walk into a room dressed like the KKK with numbers on their hats where one of them proceeds to do the Hitler salute. After that, the fact that Kilink can still somehow put on another man’s face and hands is the least weird thing about the movie. I guess these guys are one of the gangs and Kilink is there to find out what’s going on. They talk about some microfilm “in the safe of the Paragonic Embassy for the launch of the missiles, can affect the world history?” I love subtitles. Also, according to them “Istanbul is the only paradise on earth. The center of international smuggling, with the treasures at Keratius and the diamonds of Topcapi.” They “will steal the microfilm of Turkish radars and missiles and we will sell it back to the embassy for many millions.”

Well, that’s one gang. Where’s the other one?

Ah, there they are. I love how we have a guy wearing an eye patch, a guy in sunglasses, and a third guy who looks like he has a giant spike for his hairstyle. We know these guys are bad.

No, not because they have kidnapped this lady and are holding her kid, but because of this.

Oh, it’s on!

According to the plot summary, it’s “raining gorgeous ladies all over the place”. This person forgot it’s also raining hilarious looking bad guys as well.

However, the person is right that there are gorgeous ladies too. Luckily, this lady is smart cause…

she figures out that’s Kilink, and I’m pretty sure it’s without having sex with him. Not that Kilink hasn’t had sex in the other movies…somehow. But here he’s in disguise. I really don’t wanna know how sex with him works then. Well, the plot summary is right. He does do away with her by choking her, then chucking her off a balcony.

And apparently, he also now leaves “the mark of Kilink”. That is he punches the person in the face to leave an imprint of his ring. Something I couldn’t help but think here is that these guys must be sweating bullets if it’s warm enough for her to be lounging around in a bikini.

Also, let’s throw in Turkish Barbara Streisand while we’re at it.

After Kilink kills a guy, then apologizes for having to take his clothes, we find out just how evil eye patch gang is.

I bet Hakki also likes to give them Pavulon so he can see them chill. But before this goes anywhere, Kilink shows up to stop it.

Skinning grown men so he can wear their skin is just fine for Kilink, but don’t you dare touch the children.

Now people are really starting to catch on that they weren’t prepared for Kilink. Just look.

See! Nobody realized Kilink. Especially this lady.

After more awkward kissing, Kilink tosses something on her face that kills her. With the microfilm in hand he does something that can only be termed as magic in order to invisibly imprint the microfilm on her back, which he can retrieve from her body with “infrared rays” later.

Now those “endless shootouts, car chases, murders, beat ups and plot twists” really kick in. It’s all very confusing. All you really need to know is that Kilink is still a bad guy, is a fan of Yojimbo, and must have suddenly got a conscience with a dose of nationalism by falling off that tower. What else did that plot summary say? Oh yeah, the snake.

Cause blondie apparently knows where Kilink is, so dark haired lady decides to torture her to get the information. And by torture, I mean string her up and threaten to have this snake empty it’s poison into her. Also, they get really slap happy in this movie. A lot of people get slapped. There’s even two times where the sound jumps the gun and makes the slap sound before the person is actually hit.

Kilink decides to pay a visit since it is his movie. He and dark haired lady have sex. At least I’m as sure of that as one can be considering it’s a guy in a skin tight skeleton costume. However, the poor guy can’t get any privacy. A shadow moves across the bottom right hand corner of the screen during this scene.

At least the boom mic didn’t pop in to make the poor guy feel inadequate. What else did that plot summary say?

I guess this is the one time he’s the real hero. He pretends to be on the side of the dark haired lady, but he cuts down blondie on his way out. She says she “should have realized!” As we learned earlier in the movie, “nobody realized Kilink.”

Now we get a lot of Kilink running around. To give you an idea what basically the remainder of this film is like. Take a look at at this longplay of Pepsiman.

It’s like that. Also, for who knows what reason, it’s become a Thanksgiving tradition of mine to watch that longplay. Figure that one out. But we don’t have time for that oddity because Kilink has to go and retrieve the microfilm off the girl he killed earlier in the movie.

He’s there with dark haired lady and of course she betrays him. Lot a good that does her. She tells him “your end has come. Hell awaits you.” Not this time because she is then killed by a magic bullet that somehow goes through her dress and her skin to land inside of her and kill her. Even Kilink seems perplexed.

After confusing Turks just trying to drive to work by running around in a skeleton costume…

Kilink gets some new skin and…and…who cares! It’s just more of the same stuff. All we need to know is this.

Now Kilink has his final showdown with the bad guys, and actually gets captured by the police.

So when did Kilink go from fighting Superman so he can make an ultimate weapon to being a symbol of Turkish nationalism? I buy that he cares about the people of Turkey about as much as I buy that the criminals in M (1931) actually cared that children were being murdered.

I guess we hit all those points in the plot summary, and I still don’t get it. Well, we have one more of these Kilink movies left. Next time he and Django are going to go at it.

Hallmark Review: Murder, She Baked: A Plum Pudding Mystery (2015, dir. Kristoffer Tabori)

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I would have thought this movie was shot by the same cinematographer who did Love On The Air (2015), but IMDb tells me differently. Love On The Air was shot by Jon Joffin and according to the credits of this movie, a Todd Williams shot this one. But both films were directed by Kristoffer Tabori. I guess Tabori has developed a fondness for random camera obstructions and large sections of the frame being out of focus. The blinded by the light shot even makes a return from Love On The Air.

Now in all fairness to Tabori, you can tell that he is probably trying to bring some style to the cinematography of the Hallmark movies he makes. You can see it in shots like these.

I remember Rainer Werner Fassbinder having a fondness for using mirrors like this shot from Ali: Fear Eats The Soul (1974).

Just like one of Fassbinder’s idols Douglas Sirk did as shown in this shot from Written On The Wind (1956).

Even those other shots show a purpose. Throwing things in front of the camera is probably an attempt at composition in depth, which director Josef Von Sternberg was best known for. Here’s an example from The Scarlet Empress (1934).

That one shot where things are out of focus around the character is framing like this shot also from Ali: Fear Eats The Soul.

The point is, I think I see what he is going for, but it doesn’t come together in this, nor in Love On The Air.

He also brought us Just The Way You Are (2015), Portrait Of Love (2015), A Ring By Spring (2014), and My Gal Sunday (2014). So obviously this movie is going to be about a baker who has been burned by a previous relationship who wants to follow rules for dating someone new, which includes going out of focus transitions, reuses shots from other Tabori Hallmark movies, screws up at least one computer screen, and ends with a bomb being stopped by a wedding ring. Well, not quite. It’s shot the same way Love On The Air was. It’s considerably better than Just The Way You Are. It’s not sleepwalking through it’s plot like Portrait Of Love. It does screw up two computer screens, but not in particularly bad ways. Finally, while it is at least 1/3rd as confusing as My Gal Sunday, it doesn’t end with a bomb being stopped by a wedding ring.

I am actually going to take a shot at talking about the plot of this movie. Something that will probably be disappointing seeing as I’m terrible with these murder mysteries, and the Hallmark ones are particularly confusing for me. I even watched this with my Dad who reads murder mysteries, and he attempted to explain it to me afterwards largely unsuccessfully. I’ll try, but first.

If you’ve read some of my other reviews you’ve probably picked up that I am a fan of The Cinema Snob. What’s odd is that watching this movie had ties back to the two most recent reviews he’s done. The first comes in the form of the commercials. During one of the breaks there was an ad for Liberty University. They are the ones who brought us Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014). During these same commercials, Hallmark promoted their upcoming Thanksgiving Day thing hosted by Candace Cameron Bure, who is Kirk’s sister. The Snob reviewed that movie last week.

The other tie-in is a little more loose. The guy who dies in this movie is named Larry Jaeger. This week’s Snob episode is on a really really really bizarre Christmas special called Ms. Velma’s Most Incredibly Magnificent Christmas Week. Velma’s last name is Jaggers. And of course this special comes on a disc along with Rock: It’s Your Decision which I have reviewed on this site.

Odd coincidences that I had to mention. But let’s actually talk about this movie now. Or at least as much as I can before I say I don’t want to spoil things because I actually have reached a point where I’m too confused about the plot to discuss it further.

The movie opens on Hannah’s Cookie Jar Bakery & Cafe where Hannah is played by Alison Sweeney. I don’t remember her place looking like this in the previous film, but I also watched that movie back in August. During the opening scenes where we meet friends, customers, and her nutty mother, we learn that there are a lot of blondes in this town. Also, we hear a Dr. Love (Calling Dr. Love by KISS) on the radio.

No, not that Dr. Love. This lady’s catchphrase is “that life without love is only half a life.” So what’s the other half? I’m assuming it’s referring to having that other person whose happiness becomes and fills in the other half of your life. We also learn that “Crazy Elf is crazy!” And so are his prices!

Later in the film Crazy Elf learns that he should stay in his little house because he gets shot. Crazy Elf is the mascot for a Christmas tree lot owned by Larry Jaeger who as I said is found dead. This is one of those cozy mysteries where the main character really doesn’t have a reason to be investigating other than that she is a busy body. At least the cop friend played by Cameron Mathison keeps telling her this.

Wait…

the mother is played by Barbara Niven. Last time I saw her was in that lousy lesbian love story A Perfect Ending (2012). I thought I recognized her.

Anyways, now that the body has been discovered, it’s a good time to get a look at Hannah’s license plate.

And they make sure you get a good look at the plate several times throughout this movie. It’s kind of like those movies that want you to believe the movie totally takes place in America because of the American flag in the scene. Like Italian Batman and Prom Night III: The Last Kiss.

However, late in the movie they left in this shot.

Fido is a Canadian cellular company. It’s kind of sad they didn’t fix that considering they went through the trouble of getting the license plates, using actual text messages, and near the end of the film properly faking a phone call to her cellphone that even shows up as Cameron Mathison’s character’s name.

Easy to fix too. Oh, well.

The remainder of the film is her mother nagging her about dating, Mathison telling her to stop putting herself in danger, and a red herring that gets picked up by the cops and jailed. That being Dr. Love who turns out to have been and technically still is married to Larry Jaeger who apparently was a con man. The rest would be just laying out the plot point by point. Otherwise known as this is when the film really lost me.

At this point, having seen quite a few of these Hallmark mysteries, I would say this is a series they can drop. Lori Loughlin is enjoyable enough in the Garage Sale Mystery movies. It’s always funny to see Candance Cameron Bure run around playing Aurora Teagarden like she’s on speed. And I think The Gourmet Detective one’s are the best I’ve seen recently. Even though I wish they would just change Brooke Burns character to being an Inspector given that is what she would be called if she were really on the SFPD. You can even see Prentice E. Sanders referred to as an Inspector in my review of Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults. I only recommend this movie if you are already a fan of the books, which I’m sure my book gal Michelle will probably tell me about if she reads this review.

And this has been possibly the longest and only film school dissection of a Hallmark movie that I will probably ever write.

Turkish Film Fest: Kilink Vs. The Flying Man/Kilink uçan adama karsi (1967, dir. Yilmaz Atadeniz)

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

It’s time for part II in the Kilink saga. And wouldn’t you know it, those 20 minutes I mentioned at the end of the previous review are this movie. Yep! Turns out the version I watched was the correct version. The unsbutitled version I came across just seamlessly attached the 20 minutes from this film onto the end of the previous one. I say 20 minutes because this movie spends about that amount of time recapping the first film, and it’s only about a 48 minute movie as a whole. Honestly, you could watch this movie without having seen the first one. It even bothers with the opening credits that already recapped things in the first film before we saw the events they were showing. Also, it turns out the stills they showed at the end of the unsubtitled bit I saw weren’t for nothing. This movie is missing chunks of itself. That’s why there is a quick unrelated scene followed by stills with voiceover narration to fill in what has been lost at the end of the film. That said, the bits that are left are still rather entertaining. In addition, the person who did these subtitles was different from the person who did Kilink In Istanbul. Now Superman says “Shajam” and Kilink says “bullshit”.

I still can’t get over how the opening credits play somewhat sinister music over them, yet the majority of what they show is Superman doing things. We are supposed to be rooting for Superman (Irfan Atasoy), right? I mean only in so much as Kilink (Yildirim Gencer) keeps getting away so we can have more movies.

I’m really glad they left in the blonde fondling herself scene in the recap. It’s really crucial to the plot of this movie that we see that again.

And I also can’t get used to seeing her make out with Kilink. And yes, it does go there in this film. I will get to that later.

This movie picks up where the first one left off. We follow Kilink to an island where we get to see his weapon in action.

That may look like it’s just a flamethrower, but we do see it blow off the side of rock face so it must be pretty powerful. Of course Superman (called The Flying Man in this one) has to show up to ruin Kilink’s plans. Kilink sees him coming and blasts his boat out of the water.

I sort of complained in my review of the first Kilink film that they had three henchmen on screen at the same time wearing shirts with the letter ‘K’ on them, but I’ve changed my mind. Thanks to this movie I can say I’ve seen a movie where the KKK come after Superman…sort of.

Kilink captures Orhan, which is this Superman’s human version, along with the boat captain who was brining Superman to the island. Kilink tells all his hostages that “you’ll have a long journey. I’ll send you to hell.” Big words, but considering Superman is just a Shajam away, I like this guy’s response.

Then Kilink apparently has sex with the blonde, or at least one of them. We see him lay down on her and kiss her. Then it cuts and we see this.

I can totally buy that Shajam turns Orhan into Superman and that a flamethrower is an ultimate weapon, but how does sex with Kilink work? He appears to be putting on a belt, but I still don’t know if he’s literally supposed to be a skeleton or a guy in a skeleton suit. Does he just pay all the sexual attention to her since his equipment is kind of dead? Maybe that’s why she follows him wherever he goes. It’s a puzzling scene that is shortly followed by what I guess is them having sex again, but on a rock.

At least I think it’s her. There are two blonde girls in this that follow him around, but it’s tough keeping track of who is who.

Anyways, while girls dance for Kilink, Superman finally decides to emerge and go after him. Just as in the first one, Superman means business and dives right into the action. I like that during this we get little exchanges between the guards before they are taken care of.

We get more dancing and Superman getting the other hostages to safety before he finally crashes Kilink’s party. Kilink whips out his weapon and tries to use it on Superman before running away with it pointed at him.

It does seem to hold him at bay before he works around it and gives it a karate chop. Probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal if he had simply walked around the other side of the weapon. Of course if he had done that, then Kilink might not have gotten away. Superman thinks he has caught up with him, but it turns out to be an imposter.

That’s a running thing in these movies. Either someone pretends to be Kilink, or Kilink wears a flesh mask to pretend to be someone else. However, those parts are pretty rare.

Now we hit the wall in terms of what has survived of this film. We get this brief sequence where Kilink appears to be showing up to rob some rich lady, then the stills kick in. They tell us that Kilink killed the princess of Austria, and took all her jewelry. That would have been neat to see. So would have been this “unique fight” that apparently took place on Galata’s tower.

Kilink falls to his death, or at least it appears he is dead, but the movie assures us that he will be seen again. And of course he will because I have at least two more of these Kilink films to go. One of which immediately follows this one. Unfortunately, I don’t think it has Superman in it based on IMDb’s description, but we’ll see after I watch Kilink: Strip and Kill.

Turkish Film Fest: Kilink In Istanbul/Kilink Istanbul’da (1967, dir. Yilmaz Atadeniz)

Posted on November 23, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Earlier this year I reviewed probably the best known Turkish Superman film called The Return of Superman. It’s Thanksgiving week and there are bunch of these fun Turkish movies. I thought I would review a few this week, starting today through Saturday. That, or I have a backlog of these movies and this is a good excuse to watch them. Either way, I hope you enjoy them.

We are beginning with Kilink In Istanbul. Kilink is the Turkish knockoff version of the Italian comic book character called Killing. This is one of several of these. The best way I can think of to describe them is to compare them to the Fantomas serials from the 1910s. Except if Fantomas was a sadistic kidnapper, murderer, and all around really really nasty guy. I don’t recall Fantomas being this bad. And if Inspector Juve were Superman. No joke, this is Kilink (Yildirim Gencer) fighting Superman (Irfan Atasoy). Although, my subtitles just call him Superhero and other places you see him called the Flying Man, but come on. Just take a look at him.

At the beginning there is a somewhat confusing opening credit sequence. It’s clearly gonna play at the start of each of these to give a little introduction to the characters. Speaking of characters, here’s the other one.

And Kilink wears that skeleton thing for the entire movie. The question is what exactly is he in this. During the opening credits some people bring in a coffin, inject a mummy with something, it rises up, and underneath is Kilink. Was he hanging out in there? Was he hiding in there? Was he resurrected? It never really says. He just takes off the stuff, starts to plan a crime, then in seconds is off to do it.

That being to kill this doctor who he once knew. Presumedly, before he died. Apparently, he has some formula that Kilink needs to complete his ultimate weapon. Kilink thinks he has what he needs, but it turns out pieces are missing. Now we are introduced to the doctor’s son. This is an odd scene because it’s really random. The son is at a graveyard when all of a sudden this guy appears.

He tells the son he’s going to give him a list of powers. I’m not going to repeat it since it’s almost the exact same thing that Superman’s father says in The Return Of Superman to Superman. You can see it in that review. He tells him that all he needs to say is “Shazam” and he will become Superman. Then he gives him a warning that “only in great danger must be used and not in front of others.” Then POOF! He’s gone up in smoke just as quickly as he came.

In short order, Kilink’s henchmen show up and try to take Superman hostage. This is when we find out that this Superman is not like the Superman from The Return Of Superman. In that one, he basically stands there till the person tires themselves out, then Superman tosses them aside. This Superman dives right into the action. Sometimes quite literally.

Superman is already a thorn in Kilink’s side.

Did I mention this movie moves fast? This movie moves fast! Meanwhile, Kilink is going around reminding us he’s a bad guy. Like when he goes after this girl.

Then he proceeds to rape her?

I put the question mark there because I’m not really sure. It seems like that’s what is going to happen, but then she seems to be in to it. Also, there’s a girl later in the movie with the same color hair. I’m pretty sure she hooks up with him, but I’m not 100% positive. That part was a little difficult to follow. Let’s just say, Kilink has a history of being nasty to scantily clad women like the Wikipedia article on the character says. Not that he’s any better to the guys. And that a girl who looks like this is at his side for the remainder of this movie.

At this point, aside from henchmen around Kilink and some people around Superman, it basically becomes a series of showdowns between Kilink and Superman in one form or another. Here’s some highlights.

Superman Flys

I know this was shot in Turkey and the villain’s name does start with a ‘K’, but perhaps they should have only had two henchmen in this shot.

It certainly is an entertaining hour or so. It really does move fast. It’s like an old serial such as Fantomas, Les Vampires, Judex, or Spiders. It’s a series of action sequences that really don’t move the plot forward, but just set up Kilink and Superman as enemies, then it just ends.

Well, I have three more of these so I guess we’ll see what happens. In one of them Kilink fights Django. I wonder if that one will ripoff Spaghetti Western music in addition to the James Bond music it uses in this one. Ought to be interesting!

Note: There is a version of this on YouTube that appears to have 20 minutes more of runtime that aren’t even acknowledged as existing on IMDb. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have subtitles and my copy does come up and say “End Of Episode”. In these extra 20 minutes or so it appears Kilink gets his weapon working. Kilink also spends some quality time with his lady friend. A woman dances for Kilink. Then Superman shows up to beat people up. We get to see Kilink and Superman fight a bit. Honestly, you’re not missing much. It’s more of the same: Kilink being evil and Superman fighting people. It also ends out of nowhere. However, if you happen to speak Turkish, then by all means, seek out this clearly more complete version.

Hallmark Review: One Starry Christmas (2014, dir. John Bradshaw)

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Don’t you hate it when you sit down to write about a movie and you have no idea how to start it? That’s when you break out The Ramones and just start it by saying you have no idea how to start it. This movie on the other hand starts when we meet our leading lady named Holly Jensen (Sarah Carter) and her boyfriend named Adam (Paul Popowich). Ah, I knew I recognized Paul Popowich. He was on Degrassi: TNG and that short lived Canadian attempt to create both a new Nancy Drew and a new Hardy Boys TV Show. I think these opening scenes can be best described through these three screenshots.

She is a doctor of astronomy and her Hardy Boy boyfriend is a lawyer. He is going to have to be absent on Christmas because a business opportunity has come up that calls him away to New York. If only he knew he was in a Hallmark movie, then he would have known that is the mark of death for a current boyfriend. Might as well have put up the crown signal to send a message to all men in the area that now is the time to pounce on her. Well, it turns out that her parents are also in New York.

She gets the idea to visit her parents after looking at a picture of herself and Adam on MyBudsBook. It’s obviously the pot smokers version of Facebook. Then she buys bus tickets because the movie works better having her meet Luke (Damon Runyan) there, then on a plane. That, and her character is supposed to be afraid of flying. Hmmm…funny that both the guys she has vying for her heart both had recurring roles on Degrassi: TNG. By the way…

these are some of the best fake Internet screens I have seen this year. I just watched Nightcrawler (2014) and it didn’t even fake the Internet this well.

This is Luke who seems to be talking to me about the boom mic popping into frame in movies. He is a cowboy cause of course he is. He is on his way to a rodeo. At this point, I must admit this was making realize I really should have reviewed Ballad Of A Soldier (1959) for Veteran’s Day.

The bus breaks down and the two of them have a moment. She shares her love of astronomy with him. They have a similar moment later when they talk about Orion. I must say I was disappointed that she didn’t share the origin of Ursa Major with him. That being the story of when Hercules threw a bear into space.

And no, Luke never fights eight men, then throws a log into space. He doesn’t need to because she already likes him and it turns out her dad is a big western fan. It also helps that Damon Runyan does a good job of just playing a helluva nice guy. They could have made him a high price lawyer too and we still would have totally bought that she should be with him.

The rest of this movie is a couple scenes where we see the two of them have some quality time, and the rest is poor Adam drowning. Luke even whips out a brother who can sing. Once Luke got the folks at the company party who were hiring Adam to do line dancing, it was all over. Shortly afterwards she breaks up with him, but not after saying she wants something that honestly sounds like quite the tall order even for Luke:

“No, Adam. I want love. Not the comfortable, safe kind. I want extraordinary, passionate, everything in sync love where their touch electrifies your soul. When what you want most in the world is to make them happy.”

Okay Holly, but that is a bit much for this movie. Just saying. Regardless, she should be with the cowboy. And yes, he shows up on a horse and they kiss.

I think this is the third Hallmark movie I’ve seen where the guy shows up at the end on a horse. However, it’s the first one where it makes sense. They set it up nicely, he decides to go after her while he’s at the rodeo, and he’s a cowboy to begin with. It fit much better here than in the other two.

My only real complaint about this movie is why did they bother with the character of Adam? I think this would have been deeper and more moving if she had just got on the bus to visit her family, they meet, and they spend the rest of the movie falling in love. Nice and simple. Sure that would have made it a little tougher on screenwriter Rickie Castaneda, but I think it would have been better that way. He really felt like a third wheel on the movie itself. Still, I enjoyed this one. As always with Hallmark movies, it’s nothing to seek out, but it is a perfectly nice thing to flip on to kill some time around dinner for the holidays.

Seeing as I started this by mentioning The Ramones.

Here’s one for Luke (She’s The One by The Ramones):

Here’s one for Holly (I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by The Ramones):

And here’s one for poor Adam (Indian Giver by The Ramones):

Hallmark Review: The Nine Lives Of Christmas (2014, dir. Mark Jean)

Posted on November 20, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Gotta admit, I was worried when I started this movie up. No, not because Mark Jean directed it. I was worried because it was written by Nancey Silvers. Nancey Silvers is the one who brought us the scripts for A Country Wedding and The Color Of Rain. But, it turned out to be decent.

The movie opens up and we meet Zachary Stone played by Brandon Routh. Yep, the abandoned 2006 Superman himself. The firehouse he works at is putting together one of those hunk calendar things. Even the photographer hits on him.

Now we meet Marilee White (Kimberly Sustad). She’s a veterinarian student and works at a pet store.

He finds a cat named Ambrose. She is a cat lover herself, but her landlady has a strict no pet policy so she has to hide it. Although we don’t see the bar graph for it like we did in The Wish List, it does look like there’s a high probability she’s going to eat a whole tub of ice cream.

They meet at a grocery store and either I’m going crazy and seeing it everywhere at this point, or that is the boom mic popping in from the top of the frame.

There honestly isn’t much to this story. I mean there is some product placement like this.

They make sure you get a good look at that Folgers coffee. There’s also this rather unfortunate line.

Finally, trying to figure out where this movie is supposed to take place and this shot not helping matters.

Some shots will say Portland and others will say Jamestown. Luckily, the filmmakers left in this shot…

in case we really wanted to know this was shot in Fort Langley, British Columbia, Canada. Or at least that one scene was done there.

Otherwise, what you have here is a straightforward, but well acted enough standard Hallmark romance. Just add cats. I mean he’s dating a girl who’s a stuck up female dog. She’s tossed aside pretty quickly. Marilee’s friend does put her on a dating site, but they don’t do anything with that. They keep spending time together, so do their cats, and eventually they end up together.

Well, there is this with the dating site.

Uh, doesn’t that mean she has selected she is a man? I mean given there is no other part to that profile page that indicates her gender and it is above the “Looking for a:” box.

There’s really only one problem I had. This film kind of ends, but still has running time left. She hangs up some mistletoe hoping for a kiss from him. He cleverly pretends to not see it for a bit, then swoops in and kisses her. They are already living together at this point. The movie should end there, but it doesn’t. Instead, she mistakenly thinks he went out with some blonde, they’re apart for a bit, and then they find each other again. It should have ended on the kiss, whether that meant stopping the film where it occurred or moving that scene later into the film. It’s an unnecessary last minute speed bump.

That’s a minor complaint. There isn’t anything special here, but I liked the two leads and believed they actually liked each other. This movie even did the moving focus from one actor to another pretty much right. You’d think that is a given, but not in Hallmark movies. Sometimes they move the focus too slow and it gives you time to dwell on the change when there’s no reason to. This movie doesn’t do that.

Sorry there isn’t more to say. At least we can leave it on a shot that makes Brandon Routh look like he’s a psycho with a sign that says “Merry Christmas” behind him!