Ernest Harada | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe’s in trouble!

Episode 3.26 “The Kiss”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on April 13th, 1978)

Gabe tells a joke about Uncle Milton the medium. Uncle Milton talked to a spirt named Max. In life, Max was a waiter. “Come closer,” Milton said. “I can’t,” Max replied, “it’s not my table.”

Gabe’s going to need all the jokes and laughs that he can get because he’s in a lot of trouble. After asking student Laura Stevens (Sally Hightower) to see him after class, Gabe is shocked when she suddenly faints. Gabe just wanted to talk to Laura about her habit of putting on her makeup while he’s trying to teach but instead, he finds himself performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Of course, just as he’s doing this, Woodman walks into the room.

Mr. Woodman is scandalized. Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck, making one of her infrequent appearances in the third season) is scandalized to the extent that she declares she wants to transfer to an all-girl’s school. The school board and Principal Lazarus are planning to hold a meeting to discuss what to do with Gabe. Julie tells Gabe that she believes him when he says that he wasn’t actually kissing Laura but then she adds, “How pretty was this girl?” Julie then complains that homely girls never faint….

Well, you would know, wouldn’t you, Julie?

Sorry, that was mean. I fainted more than a few times in high school so this is an episode that I took slightly personally. Listen, being beautiful in high school is a lot of pressure. People have no idea.

The Sweathogs are on Gabe’s side and they even stop by the Kotter apartment to let Gabe know that Laura’s brother, Baby, is angry with him. Gabe laughs. How much of a threat can a baby be?

Then, Baby shows up.

Baby really doesn’t look that tough to me but everyone else is scared to death of him. Gabe is scared until he find out that Baby is only responding to rumors. He hasn’t even asked Laura what actually happened. Gabe sends Baby off to talk to his sister.

The Sweathogs also talk to Laura. Laura doesn’t really remember what happened. The Sweathogs note that Laura is on an all-bean sprout diet. That’s why she fainted! Laura then goes to the principal’s office, where Kotter is currently being grilled by an investigator from the school board. While waiting in the lobby of the office, she faints once again! This time, it’s Woodman who gives her mouth-to-mouth. In all probability, Laura has got a serious eating disorder that could very well prove fatal but, since this is Welcome Back, Kotter, the only thing that’s important is that Gabe is exonerated. Laura is told to head down to the cafeteria and eat a lot. A grateful Laura says that she will as she leaves the office.

Happy to in the clear, Gabe tells the school board guy a joke about a Chinese waiter who spoke perfect Italian because he thought he was leaning English.

This episode is a good example of the type of story that Welcome Back, Kotter would have handled with a lot of skill back in the first season. Unfortunately, by the time the third season rolled around, the show had gotten way too cartoonish to effectively deal with real-life issues, like teachers kissing students. As well, the Sweathogs — with the exception of John Travolta, who was in his early 20s — all very much look like adult, 30-something men now. Time to get out of high school!

Next week, the third season comes to a close.

This week, a computer tries to take over Gabe’s class. I wonder how Barbarino will react….

Okay, everyone, it’s Barbarino time!

Episode 3.17 “Meet Your New Teacher: Batteries Not Included”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on January 5th, 1978)

Barbarino’s not in this episode.

That may seem like an strange detail with which to lead off this review but, as far as the third season has been concerned, John Travolta’s performance as Barbarino has been one of the few consistently good things about Welcome Back, Kotter. I’m going to guess that Travolta was absent from shooting because of the success of Saturday Night Fever. Maybe he was off filming Grease. That’s all understandable but still, the show really suffers when he’s not around. Of the Sweathogs, he was the one who usually avoided turning into a cartoon. In his way, he was the anchor of the group. Plus, by this point, he was the only one who still looked young enough to be in high school.

Fortunately, John Sylvester White is in this episode. If Travolta played an important role in keeping the show grounded, White’s unhinged performance as Woodman did an equally good job of keeping the show funny. White could make even the simplest of lines hilarious by virtue of the incredible bitterness in Woodman’s voice.

This week, Mr. Woodman is excited because he’s purchased a computer that can teach! He rolls it into Gabe’s classroom and informs Gabe that, from now on, he’ll be asking the computer for answers.

Obviously, it’s easy to roll your eyes at that bulky computer, especially since it appears to be more of a typewriter than anything else. (I’m going to assume that is was state-of-the-art for the 70s). Still, one could argue that this episode predicted the rise of A.I. Gabe types in his questions and then the computer gives him an answer. The computer has been programmed to always be correct. Gabe complains that the computer can’t tell jokes but the Sweathogs don’t care. They love the computer! And, after a few days, Woodman returns to the classroom with a chart that shows how everyone’s grades have improved.

Woodman thinks that the computer is his ticket to a promotion. He also thinks that the computer will finally allow him to fire Gabe. (Sometimes, Woodman likes Gabe and sometimes, he tries to get him fired. Normally, I’d complain about the inconsistency but the genius of John Sylvester White’s performance is that you just accept that Woodman’s insane and move on.) The Sweathogs fear that Gabe will lose his job so Epstein sabotages the computer so that it gives wrong answers when Woodman tries to demonstrate it to a district representative. Did you know the Harlem Globetrotters fought at the Battle of Waterloo?

It’s never really made clear how Epstein sabotaged the computer but no matter. One of the flaws of AI is that, even though it acts like its thinking, it’s actually just repeating whatever it’s programmed to do. This computer claims that the Globetrotters fought at Waterloo. Decades later, Google Gemini would become infamous for creating ahistorical images of black and female presidents who were all presumably elected at a time when only white men were allowed to vote or run for office. AI never changes.

I would have loved to have seen Barbarino interact with the computer. He was seriously missed in this episode. But Woodman’s unhinged personality made up for a lot of that. This was fun, even if it still wasn’t nearly as memorable as any of the episodes from the first two seasons of the show.

As for this episodes jokes, Gabe tried to tell Julie a joke about his Uncle Magnovich. Julie didn’t seem to care that much. At the end of the episode, Gabe tried to tell the computer a joke. The computer did not react. “Don’t you get it?” Gabe typed.

“No,” the computer replied.

Poor Gabe!