Edgar Justice | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week …. oh, where to begin?

Episode 4.23 “Heaven Nose, Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 30th, 1988)

This episode was bad.

How bad?

Let me count the ways.

Jonathan is driving the car, for once. He and Mark are going to get some time off. Suddenly, a very shrill alarm goes off. Jonathan says that he has to go up to Heaven to meet with the never-before mentioned Sycopomp, who is in charge of handing out angel assignments. Jonathan vanishes, leaving the car without a driver. Mark nearly crashes before he gets control of the wheel.
How have we gone for four seasons without the alarm going off earlier?
Since when has Jonathan gotten assignments from anyone other than The Boss?
Does Jonathan not realize Mark could have been killed as a result of him suddenly vanishing?
The Sycopomp is played by Bob Hope. Yes, the comedian Bob Hope. Bob Hope was 85 when he appeared in this episode and, not surprisingly, he doesn’t do much. In fact, he does so little that you have to wonder why it was necessary to have the character at all.
The Sycopomp explains that the Boss has computerized Heaven — “Modern technology,” he says, with a shrug. Why would the Boss do that since the Boss is God and God knows everything and can do anything?
The computers have malfunctioned. How could a computer built by God malfunction?
As a result of the computer malfunction, an angel named Max (Bill Macy) has been assigned to help fix the marriage of Stanley (John Pleshette) and Constance (Murphy Cross). The problem is that Max is Stanley’s deceased father and he’s always disliked Constance so, instead of helping Stanley and Constance, he’s instead trying to get Stanley to leave Constance for his childhood girlfriend, Nel (Anna Stuart).
What? Okay, Jonathan got mad and yelled at the Boss a few episodes ago and he was immediately stripped of his powers. Yet somehow, Max is able to do a lot worse without any sort of punishment.
Jonathan and Mark are sent to stop Max. They meet Stanley and Constance. While Constance’s main flaw is that she has a terrible hair style, Stanley is a total wimp who has never finished anything in his life. Stanley is so unlikable that it’s hard not to feel that Constance would be better off without him.
Jonathan and Max both reveal themselves to be angels to Stanley. Yeah, Jonathan has revealed himself to be an angel in the past but it still feels like lazy writing.
From out of nowhere, wimpy, middle-aged Stanley is revealed to be a fast runner.
Jonathan and Max bully Stanley into entering a marathon.
Stanley nearly dies during the marathon but makes it to the end. He comes in last place but Constance doesn’t care. What matters is that he finished something! And it looks like the marriage has been saved but Stanley is so sweaty and out-of-breath that one still expects him to drop dead right there.
Sara (Patti Karr), Max’s wife, is sent down as an angel as well. She doesn’t accomplish anything but she’s sent down nonetheless.
Why would someone as self-centered as Max be made an angel in the first place?
With the assignment completed, everyone leaves. Constance and Stanley are back together! Except, earlier, we were told that Constance and Stanley’s marriage was in trouble because Constance wanted children and Stanley didn’t. That storyline is never resolved. In fact, it’s just kind of dropped.
Other than Jonathan and Mark, there are no likable people in this episode. This episode tires to mix comedy and drama and it just doesn’t work.

This just wasn’t a good episode. The story just feels unfinished.

Next week, season 4 comes to a close!

An ancient Chinese statue contains several acupuncture needles that, when placed correctly, can grant a man unstoppable vim and vigor. It can also grant amazing sexual prowess, which is why every elderly crime boss in the world wants it. In Hong Kong, a group of flamethrower-toting thugs steal the statue so that their boss, Lin Tao (Roy Chiao), can sell the statue to a Los Angeles mobster named Winters (Burgess Meredith!). Winters’s agent in Hong Kong, Felicity (Elizabeth Ashley), decides to hire Vietnam vet Dan Mason (Joe Don Baker) to steal the statue from her so that she can not only take Winters’s money but also sell the statue herself. Mason agrees, in return for money and sex.

Eventually, the action does move from Hong Kong to Los Angeles. That allows Jim Kelly to make an appearance as Jeff, a buddy of Mason’s who helps him look for the statue and who takes part in one lousy fight scene. It’s really a glorified cameo. Robert Clouse previous directed Enter The Dragon, in which Kelly played the member of the heroic trio who didn’t survive. There are actually a handful of Enter the Dragon cast members scattered throughout Golden Needles but, unfortunately, Bruce Lee was dead and John Saxon was apparently unavailable.

There are a few good action sequences in this film, though if you’re hoping to see Joe Don Baker lay down some sweet kung fu moves, you’re going to be disappointed. Baker’s character throws people through windows but there’s not much finesse in his fighting style. I still appreciated Baker’s performance in Golden Needles. Clouse makes good use of Baker’s lumbering form, showing how out of place he is in Hong Kong. Baker and Elizabeth Ashley make a good team and Burgess Meredith gives a performance that’s only slightly less subtle than his turn as the Penguin on Batman. The film’s PG-rating keeps the violence from getting too extreme but it also probably made Golden Needles perfect for a Saturday matinee.

Golden Needles is an enjoyable oddity. See it if you’re a Joe Don Baker fan.