Debra Mayer | Through the Shattered Lens

Would you watch a reality show produced by Joe Estevez?

Of course not! Reality TV …. hey, that’s the form of entertainment that is destroying our culture and leaving viewers unable to think for themselves! Reality TV is a pox on our house. Thanks to reality TV, the Kardashians are more famous than they have any right to be. Jennifer Welch has become a political pundit despite having all the charm of a sour lemon. People now feel like they have to live every moment as if there’s a million people watching and as a result, it’s become difficult to connect in any meaningful way…..

Eh. Actually, I like reality TV more than I should and I probably would watch a reality show produced by Joe Estevez.

I mean, why not? The best reality shows are always kind of sleazy and there are few actors who are as talented at playing sleazy characters as Joe Estevez. If Martin Sheen often seems as if he’s auditioning to be the Pope, his brother Joe comes across as if he’s auditioning to be the tabloid reporter who writes a slanderous story about the Pope. The fact that Joe Estevez looks like a drunk version of his brother only serves to make him all the more effective as someone who you wouldn’t necessarily want to be associated with. (Unless, of course, he could make you a lot of money….)

In Hell Asylum, Joe Estevez plays Stan, a network television executive. The movie opens with a show being pitched to him. The pitch, like many of the scenes in Hell Asylum, goes on way too long. Basically, a group of models have been recruited to spend the night in a supposedly haunted asylum while being filmed. The pitch is nothing special but Stan needs a hit.

Of course, it turns out that the asylum really is haunted. It takes a while but eventually, the models and the television crew end up being stalked by a bunch of mysterious hooded figures. (Brinke Stevens is credited as being the “Head Spectre.”) The murders are filmed with a blue tint, which is creepy at first but eventually just hurts your eyes. There’s some gore, but it’s mostly just some red gloop and rope meant to stand-in for spilled intestines. It’s not particularly scary but at least it’s only 72 minutes.

Of course, Joe Estevez thinks that he has his hands on America’s hottest new reality show. At first, I thought the movie was being a bit too cynical but then I thought about all of the real-life deaths that I’ve seen posted to twitter and YouTube and I realized that I was probably being naive. We actually did have a reality show in which each episode ended with someone pretending to “die.” Murder in Small Town X was set up like Survivor, except that no one was voted off the island. Instead, they were voted to meet the killer. Even though no one actually died, I would have to think it would be more infinitely more traumatic to know that a bunch of people voted for you to be pretend-killed instead of pretend-exiled. That said, Murder In Small Town X was actually a lot of fun!

I wonder if Joe Estevez produced it.

An old lady (Elizabeth Ince) stays at a boarding house at the turn of the 20th Century. At least, I think it was supposed to be the turn of the 20th Century. There weren’t any cars or telephones but, at the same time, everyone had contemporary hair styles and they wore clothes that looked like they were supposed to be vintage but actually weren’t. The movie could have just as easily been taking place in a hipster coffeehouse in 1997.

The old lady likes to walk up to people ask them if they want to see proof that demons are real and it never occurs to anyone to just say no. The woman’s back is stitched together and when those stitches are untied, she drops her skinsuit and reveals herself to be the Devil. At least, I think that’s what happened because this was one of those movies where they didn’t have the money to actually show you what happened. You just have to guess by the shadows on the wall. The film’s poster makes it look like a horrifying transformation but sometimes, posters lie.

When the old devil woman steals your soul, she turns you into a paper doll. The boarding house made decides to serve the old woman. That’s pretty much the entire story. Stretching all that out to 81 minutes took some effort and determination so I’ll give the movie credit for that.

I appreciated the movie’s ambition. It’s too bad the wooden acting and the slow pace kept this movie from being as interesting as it should have been. Today’s lesson is don’t hang out with old women who offer to show you a demon. No good will come from it.