Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #9: Inspired To Kill (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

Wow, it’s Antonio Sabato, Jr. again!

That’s right, Inspired To Kill co-stars Antonio Sabato, Jr. Interestingly enough, the previous movie that I watched in my effort to clean out the DVR, Remote Paradise, also co-starred Antonio Sabato, Jr. Also interestingly enough, both Inspired to Kill and Remote Paradise feature Sabato playing an enigmatic, older man who has an affair with a lonely and insecure woman. In both films, it turns out that Sabato is not exactly who he first appears to be. (If you want, feel free to insert your own joke about Sabato endorsing Donald Trump here because I’m too lazy to come up with one.) Perhaps not coincidentally, both films were directed by Michael Feifer and both films premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network.

(For the record, I recorded Inspired To Kill off of LMN on November 13th.)

Inspired To Kill tells the story of Kara (Karissa Lee Staples), a self-described aspiring writer who is recovering from a personal trauma. (Her boyfriend was murdered, which is definitely one way to get out of a relationship.) Having fled the painful memories of her former life in New York City, Kara is now living in Los Angeles and everything should be perfect….

Except, it’s not!

Yes, Kara may be living in L.A. but everyone knows that, if you want to be a real writer, you have to live in NYC.

Yes, Kara has been accepted into a prestigious creative writing program but her professor (Jay Pickett) is a total sleaze who keeps trying to hit on her.

Yes, Kara has managed to land a job as a barista but her boss (Daniel Booko) is a demanding jerk. He even gets upset when she misses work for several days in a row.

Yes, Kara has met the cute and charming Jason (Matthew Atkinson) but Jason sometimes seems oddly hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her. (Plus, Jason wants to be a lawyer, which means that, when the revolution does come, he might be on the wrong side.)

Yes, Kara is renting a room from the fun-loving Charlie (Olivia d’Abo) but Charlie is also a heavy drinker and can be a bit self-absorbed. Charlie’s solution to every problem is to go out, get drunk, and pick up a college student … actually, Charlie might have the right idea…

And yes, Kara has finally managed to meet her idol, the true crime writer P.K. Reese (Antonio Sabato, Jr) but there seems to be something a little bit off about him. He’s supportive of her as a writer but, at the same time, he gets upset if anyone other than him reads her work. He says that he wants to meet her friends and yet, he goes out of his way to avoid them. And when more and more people in her life start to suddenly die, Kara finds herself wondering if maybe her new lover was somehow involved…

You’re probably thinking that you’ve got Inspired To Kill all figured out but there’s a big twist that occurs towards the end of the film. Now, I have to admit that I figured out the twist, largely because I’ve seen so many Lifetime films that it is now basically impossible to fool me. But, even with that in mind, the twist was still pretty clever and actually, a lot of fun in its wonderfully implausible way. I mean, if you’re expecting the twist to actually make any sense than you have no business watching a Lifetime movie in the first place. Don’t worry about logic. Just sit back and enjoy the film.

Anyway, I rather liked Inspired To Kill. It’s an enjoyable and well-acted little thriller, one that will keep you entertained. It’s the type of unapologetically crazed and lurid melodrama that reminds me why I fell in love with the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place. Inspired To Kill is a lot of fun. Keep an eye out for it!

What Horror Lisa And The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #156: The Crooked Man (dir by Jesse Holland)

Posted on October 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I watched the latest SyFy original film, The Crooked Man!

Why Were We Watching It?

Gawdamn, y’all (as we tend to say down here in Texas), do you remember how much fun it used to be when SyFy would premiere a different movie every Saturday night? Back when I first started regularly watching SyFy and live tweeting with the Snarkalecs, SyFy was all about original movies.

Sadly, things have changed. Now, we only get SyFy original movies twice during the year. Once is during the week leading up to the latest Sharknado film. The other time is October, when SyFy does its 31 Days of Horror.

Since the Snarkalecs are still trying to change SyFy’s policy towards original movies, we make it a point to watch every single one of them. We also make it a point to tweet about the movies, the hope being that someone at SyFy will see that there is an audience for original movies.

That’s what we were doing last night as we watched The Crooked Man.

What Was It About?

Olivia (Angelique Rivera) gets all of her friends killed but isn’t ever really held responsible because she’s the main character in the film.

Okay, there’s actually a little more to it than that. The Crooked Man is a hybrid of The Ring, It Follows, Candyman, Slenderman, The Nun, and … well, just about every other horror film made over the past 16 years. It starts with a slumber party, where a group of 12 year-old girls make the mistake of listening to a song online. The song, it’s said, will summon the Crooked Man.

Later, the slumber party is interrupted when all the lights go out. Fortunately, there’s also a pizza delivery guy at the party and he knows how to turn the lights back on. Well, that’s good. However, there is yet another interruption when one of the girls, Jill, is found dead at the foot of the stairs. Standing over her is Olivia. Though Olivia has a knife in her hands, she swears that she didn’t kill Jill. It was … THE CROOKED MAN!

Olivia is sent to a mental asylum for six years. When she’s released, she returns home. The problem is that nobody in the town wants her to come home. And actually, they have a point because, as soon as Olivia returns, The Crooked Man starts killing everyone who was at that slumber party.

EVEN THE PIZZA GUY!

What Worked?

I will be the first to admit that most of my tweets were pretty critical last night but there were a few effectively creepy moments in The Crooked Man. The Crooked Man himself was scary.

The Voice‘s Dia Frampton showed up to sing a song and then promptly got killed. That definitely provided the film with a nice WTF moment.

What Did Not Work?

Okay — so the Crooked Man can only get you when you’re in the dark, right? SO WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE FILM KEEP TURNING OFF ALL THE LIGHTS!? Seriously, nobody seemed to appreciate that there was a really easy solution to most of their problems…

(Actually, in all fairness, The Crooked Man had the power to kill all the electricity and plunge people into darkness. But still, it did seem like the characters often never even considered trying to turn on all the lights. I would have at least liked to have seen some sort of effort.)

“OMG! Just like me!” Moments

I related to the character of Violet. Violet was at the slumber party and therefore, she was on Crooked Man’s kill list. And Violet put the blame right where it belonged. On Olivia!

Seriously, Olivia, way to get all your friends killed.

Lessons Learned

If a monster can only exist in the dark, turn on the damn lights!

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Christmas Gift (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I watched The Flight Before Christmas, it was time to continue cleaning out the DVR by watching The Christmas Gift! The Christmas Gift was one of the first Christmas films to show up on Lifetime this year, premiering on November 30th.

Megan (Michelle Trachtenberg) is an ambitious writer who works for a tabloid magazine and who is frustrated by the fact that she’s only assigned to write articles about the best lip gloss for fair skin. As well, her boorish boyfriend, and fellow journalist, Alex (Daniel Booko) not only dumps her but gets assigned the big story that she wanted! Michelle’s editor, Cooper (Rick Fox), tells her that, if she really thinks that she deserves better assignments, then she needs to go out and find a story that proves it.

Megan returns home to discover that her aunt has sent her a package of her old belongings. Going through it, Megan comes across a notebook that was anonymously given to her one Christmas many years ago. The notebook — and the poem that was inscribed within — inspired Megan to become a writer. She decides, for her story, to track down the person who gave her the notebook.

Her investigation leads her to Wesley Hardin Johnson, Jr. (Sterling Sulieman), who runs a foster care program. Megan says that she wants to do a story about the program and the kids that Wesley is helping. Wesley agrees, on the condition that the story be about the kids and not about him. For reasons that only make sense when you consider that this is a Lifetime holiday film, Megan decides that this means that she shouldn’t tell him about the notebook.

Not only does Megan have a hit story but she and Wesley are also falling in love! However, Megan then discovers why her aunt sent her all of her old stuff. It turns out that her aunt’s retirement community is about to be leveled and repalced with condos. And who is evicting Megan’s aunt? None other than Wesley’s father, Wesley Hardin Johnson, Sr. (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs)…

Needless to say, it all leads to misunderstandings and conflicts but it’s nothing that can’t be solved within 90 minutes of narrative. This is a Lifetime Christmas film, after all. You watch it with the full knowledge that everything’s going to turn out okay. The Christmas Gift is a good-natured and likable holiday movie and Michelle Trachtenberg does a pretty good job in the lead role.

Perhaps what is most interesting about The Christmas Gift is that it was directed by the incredibly prolific Fred Olen Ray, who is better known for directing horror films and thrillers than for directing sweet-natured family films. (That said, if you look at his filmography, you’ll actually come across several movies that you wouldn’t normally associate with him.) Someday, someone is going to write the definitive overview of Ray’s long and varied career and, hopefully, I will be one of the first to read it.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: River Raft Nightmare (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there! As I write this, I am couch-bound with what I’m pretty sure is a sprained toe. With that in mind, I’ve decided to continue my efforts to clean out the DVR. I just finished watching River Raft Nightmare, which premiered on Lifetime on September 5th. That was Labor Day weekend and, like a lot of people, I was too busy hanging out with my family to watch a movie about a mother and daughter navigating rapids while being menaced by three criminals.

River Raft Nightmare, which was directed by the amazingly prolific (and, by B-movie fans, beloved) Fred Olen Ray, tells the story of Sharon (Brigid Brannagh) and her teenage daughter, Cassie (Leah Bateman). They are looking forward to spending a nice relaxing weekend trying not to drown while river rafting. The only things they have to worry about are the possibilities of Cassie going into diabetic shock, a sudden wilderness fire breaking out, and maybe running into three criminals who are searching for some stolen money that has been hidden somewhere in the wilderness.

True, it’s easy to imagine that one of those things could happen. After all, all vacations have their obstacles. And maybe you could even see two of those things happening because, sometimes, it’s just a mistake to leave the house. But who would have guessed that all three of those things would end up happening!? That’s right — Sharon and Cassie have to deal with fire, diabetic shock, and criminals!

The head criminal is named Frank. He’s played by Ivan Sergei. From the minute he showed up, I thought he looked familiar and then, about an hour into the movie, I realized that he previously played the psycho boyfriend in another Lifetime mainstay, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? Incidentally, that movie also featured Ivan Sergei nearly drowning in a river. Maybe Ivan should stay away from the water from now on…

Frank continually assures Sharon and Cassie that he’s not going to kill them and that he just wants to find his money. However, Cassie has already seen Frank kill a man. That’s one reason why River Raft Nightmare was originally called Eyewitness, Personally, I think River Raft Nightmare is a better title. Eyewitness is a bit generic but River Raft Nightmare — hey, it’s got the word nightmare in it! You can’t go wrong with that.

River Raft Nightmare is a thoroughly predictable film. You will not be taken by surprise. But, with that in mind, it’s enjoyable enough. One thing that I appreciate about Fred Olen Ray is that he is a director who is almost totally lacking in pretension. A Fred Olen Ray film doesn’t pretend to be anything that it isn’t. River Raft Nightmare is a low-budget B-movie and it’s totally content with being a low-budget B-movie and you really have to admire that. Add to that, I always love movies about moms and daughters bonding while kicking ass and Ivan Sergei was hot even when he was killing people.

(By the way, Fred, if you’re reading this, I’ve got an idea for a film called Red River Nightmare….)

One funny thing about the DVR is that it really does work as a time machine. When you watch something that you recorded two months ago, it’s like stepping back in the past and sometimes, you’re shocked to discover what you had forgotten about. In the case of River Raft Nightmare, I was shocked to be reminded that — for a few weeks — Lifetime experimented with having Erin Foley pop up during the commercial breaks and attempt to be snarky. A typical Erin Foley comment would be something like: “So, they’re being hunted by killers but their makeup and hair are still perfect.” (To which those of us at home would say, “No shit, haven’t you ever watched one of these movies before? We all got over that a long time ago…”) Having been reminded of its existence, all I can say is that I’m glad Lifetime ended that experiment. No offense to Erin Foley but nothing she said ever came close to topping what the live tweeters were saying on twitter.

Seriously, Lifetime, those of us watching provide more than enough snark without it being necessary for you to bring in a “ringer.”

Sorry, Erin Foley, you were not necessary…

A Superfast Review of Superfast!

Posted on July 6, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

A typical scene from Superfast!

Superfast! tells the story of an incredibly stupid undercover cop named Lucas White (Alex Ashbaugh). Despite the fact that he’s so white that he regularly freezes mayonnaise so that he can then lick it like a popsicle (or so he tells us), White is assigned to infiltrate a group of multi-ethnic Los Angeles street racers. Led by the bald and imposing Vin Serento (Dale Pavinski), these street racers spend their time doing vaguely defined illegal stuff. Lucas soon wins Vin’s trust and finds himself torn between his job and his new friends.

When it looks like Vin and his crew are going to have to flee the country, they plot to rip-off crime lord Juan Carlos de la Sol (Omar Chaparro). In order to do this, Vin recruits a crew that includes characters with names like Rapper Cameo, Cool Asian Guy, and Model Turned Actress. Pursuing Vin and his crew is the ultra intense Detective Rock Johnson (Dio Johnson).

If all this sounds familiar, that’s because Superfast! is a spoof of the Fast and the Furious franchise. As far as spoof movies go, Superfast! is not bad. The actors do a good job of imitating the hypermasculine style of the Fast and Furious franchise and I actually found myself laughing at a few of the jokes. Considering that this film was directed by the infamous duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, a few laughs were still more laughs than I was expecting. Superfast! deserves some credit for being consistently amusing, even if the overall film was pretty uneven.

Of course, the main problem with Superfast! is that the Fast and the Furious films already do a pretty good job of spoofing themselves. One of the main reasons why that franchise has not only survived but prospered is because the films themselves are full of a winking self-awareness. The franchise itself has consistently, and with good humor, acknowledged just how over-the-top things can get. (Indeed, the franchise is populated by actors — like Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel — who have made a career out of poking gentle fun at their images.) There’s really not a single joke to be found in Superfast! that hasn’t already been made in a previous Fast and the Furious film.

But, with all that in mind, Superfast! is an amusing enough way to waste 90 minutes. Dale Pavisnki especially deserves some credit for the commitment that he brings to the role of Vin ~~Diesel~~ Serento.

Superfast! was released on the same day as Furious Seven. Needless to say, Furious Seven did just a little bit better with audiences and critics. Superfast! can currently be viewed on Netflix.