Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Let’s see what’s happening on the Island this week….

Episode 3.12 “The Cheerleaders/Marooned”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

I’m just going to be honest here.  This week’s episode of Fantasy Island is not a good one.  Neither one of the fantasies work.  In fact, they’re both really, really annoying.  Usually, this show does a fairly good job of balancing a fun fantasy with a serious fantasy.  This episode, though, both fantasies are meant to be humorous.  They’re not.  They are both rather shrill.

That said, this episode did feature the return of Roarke and Tattoo bantering before going to meet their guests.  When Roarke steps out of his office to meet the plane, he’s surprised to see that Tattoo is hiding in a red fire hydrant costume.  When Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing, Tattoo explains that he’s training to be a secret agent.  Roarke rolls his eyes so violently that I’m surprised he didn’t injure himself.  Later, Tattoo attempts to disguises himself as a bale of hay and ends up getting chased by an enraged bull that just happens to be wandering around the Island.  Roarke laughs and laughs because there’s nothing that makes him happier than the idea of his assistant suffering a terrible injury.  That said, though it was all a bit mean-spirted, it was nice to see the return of the banter.

As for the two fantasies …. God, I don’t even want to talk about them.

The marginally more interesting one featured Vic Tayback as a blue collar guy named Melvyn whose fantasy was to spend some time with his favorite movie star, a total diva named Liz Merrill (Jayne Meadows).  When Liz shows up on the Island, it turns out that her fantasy is for everyone to think that she’s lost at sea before she’s eventually found on a tropical island.  She’s told that Melvyn has been hired to row the boat taking her to the island.  Instead, Melvyn and Liz get lost and really do end up on a deserted island, where Liz eventually drops her arrogant attitude and Melvyn wins her love by barking orders at her.  The fact that this was the “better” fantasy should tell you just how bad the other fantasy was.

The other fantasy features Georgia Engel and Patty McCormack as Cathy and Marg, two roommates whose fantasy is to be cheerleaders for their favorite football team, the Titans.  Fortunately, the Titans training camp happens to be on Fantasy Island!  Marg has a crush on quarterback Roger Mosely (played by Dan Pastorini) but Roger is more interested in Cathy.  This leads to the two friends not being friends anymore but then Mr. Roarke tells them that there’s nothing more important than friendship.  It’s a nice message but it’s hard to believe either Georgia Engel or Patty McCormack as cheerleaders and Engel and Pastorini had absolutely zero chemistry.  The whole thing just felt too silly for its own good.

(I even forced Erin to watch this episode with me so that I could get her perspective as a former cheerleader.  She agreed with me.  As far as cheerleader stories go, this was no Bring It On.)

Sigh.  This week’s episode was not great.  Hopefully, next week’s will be better!