Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, TC is pissed off because he’s expected to do his job.

Episode 2.12 “Wheels of Fire”

(Dir by Gary Winter, originally aired on November 17th, 1996)

Two Russian mobsters are shaking down businesses on the boardwalk.  Only Ed Tarlow (Richard Redlin), a paraplegic who owns a “head shop,” is willing to testify against them.  This means that he gets two undercover bicycle cops assigned to his shop to provide protection.  TC and Cory get the assignment but it turns out that TC doesn’t want to protect Ed because he feels that Ed is selling drug paraphernalia and that Ed “is a cop hater.”

Hey, TC — it’s your job, idiot.  You’re supposed to help everyone on the boardwalk, regardless of how you feel about them personally.

Still, TC spends most of the episode pouting.  It’s mentioned that he’s also worried about studying for his upcoming sergeant’s exam but if TC is too immature to protect Ed without bitching about it than maybe TC doesn’t deserve a promotion.  TC is also upset because his girlfriend wants to go out-of-state so that she can enroll in a graduate program, become a sex abuse counselor, and help rape victims.  Because how dare she try to help other women without checking with TC first, right?  TC IS THE WORST!

Eventually, Palermo rolls up and tells TC that Ed is a decorated veteran who was paralyzed by a cop during an anti-war protest.  TC realizes that he misjudged Ed and he finally stops pouting enough to catch the Russian mobsters.  But you know what?  It shouldn’t matter how Ed ended up in wheelchair and it also shouldn’t matter whether or not he’s a veteran.  TC’s job is to protect people from crime!  Ed has got two Russian mobsters trying to kill him.  TC should be protecting Ed because that’s HIS.  DAMN.  JOB!

Meanwhile, three woman are secretly beating up creepy men on the boardwalk.  One of the women is a rape survivor and the other two women claim that they are getting vengeance for her.  What is the deal with this show not only using rape as a plot point but also trivializing it in the process?  Chris Kelly eventually arrests the women and does her thing where she glares at everyone.

Palermo’s 15 year-old daughter goes to Del Toro and asks “type of condom do guys like.”  It turns out that she’s thinking about having sex with her 19 year-old boyfriend.  Del Toro’s answer should have been, “Your boyfriend is old enough to buy his own condoms.”  Instead, Del Toro convinces her to hold off on having sex until he can check out her boyfriend.  Her boyfriend turns out to be a nice guy but still, a 19 year-old dating a 15 year-old is kind of weird.  (It’s less the age difference and more the maturity difference.  Four years isn’t that big a deal when it’s something like a 26 year-old and a 22 year-old.  But this is the difference between someone starting high school and someone starting college.)  It’s also statutory rape, though no one seems to be too concerned about that.

Anyway, Palermo finds out so guess which couple isn’t going to be having sex for a long time?

This was another stupid episode of Pacific Blue.  Again, the problem isn’t just that the cops all look stupid on their bicycles.  It’s also that the cops represent everything that people hate about cops.  Chris and TC are both self-righteous and immature.  (When someone complains about Chris nearly running someone over on her bicycle, Chis replies that she’s doing her job.)  It gets annoying after a while.

This week’s episode served as a reminder to never depend on anyone riding a bike.