Carrie Lazar | Through the Shattered Lens

Last night, about twenty minutes into the latest SyFy shark movie, I declared the following on twitter:

Okay, this is now officially the greatest shark movie ever. #santajaws

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) August 15, 2018

51 favs and 15 retweets later, I stand by my declaration. Sorry, Jaws. Step aside, Deep Blue Sea. It’s been fun, Sharknado 5. Santa Jaws is officially the greatest shark movie ever made.

The scene in question took place on Christmas Eve. Lovable Poppa (Ritchie Montgomery) is fishing out on the bayou and drinking from his thermos of eggnog when, suddenly, a shark jumps out of the water and eats him. It happens rather suddenly, so suddenly in fact that you only barely notice the fact that the shark has red eyes. It’s only as the shark is swimming away that we see that Santa’s hat is sitting on its fin. And, if we listen really carefully, we can hear the sound of jingling bells.

From the minute that people learned that SyFy was going to be broadcasting a movie called Santa Jaws, the question became just how literally we should take the title. Would Santa actually be a shark? Or would it just be a shark movie that happened during the Christmas season? And there was one question in particular that we were all wondering:

https://twitter.com/ggfletcher/status/1029438582447132673

Well, the answer is yes. Santa Jaws does take place during the Christmas season. While Santa Jaws may not literally be Santa-turned-into-a-shark, he still brings a family together, just like any visit from Santa should. And yes … the shark wears a Santa hat on his fin.

The film deals with Cody (Reid Miller), a teenage outcast and comic book artist. Cody is not having a great holiday season. Not only is there no snow on the ground (the film does take place in Louisiana, after all) but his family seems to be more proud of his athletic older brother, Josh (Arthur Marroquin), than of him. On top of everything else, he’s been grounded because of a less-than flattering picture that he drew of his school’s principal. Cody’s mood would probably improve if he knew that his next door neighbor, Jena (Courtney Lauren Collins), is also into comics but Cody can’t even work up the courage to speak to her.

Cody, however, has received one early Christmas present. Poppa gives him a magic pen, which a frustrated Cody uses to draw a picture of Santa Jaws while complaining about how he wishes his family would just go away. Cody, of course, doesn’t mean what he says. Anyone who has ever been a teenager and who has ever had a bad day will immediately understand that. However, the magic pen doesn’t understand that and soon, Santa Jaws has not only come to life but it’s after Cody’s family!

Now, you may be getting the feeling that Santa Jaws is not meant to be taken too seriously and, in that case, you would be correct. As far as Misty Talley shark movies are concerned, Santa Jaws has more in common with the cheerful meta comedy of Mississippi River Sharks than the dark horror of Zombie Shark. With the exception of one unfortunate elf who finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, there’s not a lot of blood in Santa Jaws. However, there are plenty of puns, courtesy of Cody’s best friend, Steve (Hawn Tran). (My favorite was when Steve said that the shark was “gill-ty.”) This is the type of film where, when the comic book store owner (Scott Allen Perry), gets his hands on the pen, he promptly draws a Russian girlfriend, a nice car, and several million dollars. Though a lot of people are eaten over the course of Santa Jaws, neither the film nor the characters lose their sense of humor.

It’s a fun movie and on that delivers exactly what it promises and a whole lot more. It’s a film that gives you a shark with a Santa hat on its fin but it also delivers clever dialogue and committed performances. Reid Miller and Courtney Lauren Cummings are likable protagonists and Hawn Tran and Scott Allen Perry provide effective comedic relief. Arthur Marroquin turns big brother Josh into a nicely rounded character while Jim Klock, Carrie Lazar, Miles Doleac, Haviland Stillwell, and Ritchie Montgomery all have a good moments as the members of Cody’s family. In the end, you really do hope that the family will still manage to have a merry Christmas.

And, of course, there’s the shark. The shark loves Christmas, as we all do. The shark has glowing red eyes, the better to guide your sleigh at night. And yes, the shark wears a Santa cap on its fin.

Santa Jaws was a lot of fun and I’m hoping SyFy will be smart enough to show it every Christmas. At the very least, we need a sequel. Santa Jaws Conquers The Martians, anyone?

Oh hell yeah!

Listen, if you ever find yourself being unexpectedly menaced by a shark, you’re going to want a redneck around. Trust me on this. I may not be one myself but I’ve grown up around rednecks and I feel a lot safer around them than I do with sensitive types from up north. Seriously, if you’re under shark attack, who do you want protecting you? A guy with a gun and a cooler full of beer or someone who drives a Prius? Elon Musk may be smarter but, when it comes to sharks, Trace Adkins is going to be more helpful.

The other great thing about rednecks is that there’s nothing that they can’t do with duct tape. Give a redneck enough duct tape and a weather satellite and I guarantee that he’ll find a way to stop climate change. There’s a name for that: redneck ingenuity.

When I was watching Trailer Park Shark on Wednesday night, I was impressed with the amount of duct tape on display. As the main character, a redneck played by Thomas Ian Nicholas, was using duct tape to solve yet another problem, I tweeted that I was enjoying the music playing in the background. To me, it sounded like something that Ennio Morricone would have come up with for a spaghetti western. It fit the scene perfectly because Trailer Park Shark is a film that make duct tape feel just as epic as the final cemetery confrontation in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Andrew Morgan Smith, who did excellent work on the film’s score, informed me that the musical cue was called “Redneck Ingenuity.”

That’s a perfect name because, while Trailer Park Shark is about a lot of things, it is ultimately a celebration of redneck ingenuity and the never-give-up attitude of life in the Southern bayou. The characters in Trailer Park Shark have a lot to deal with. Because of a freak rains storm and some evil plotting by mean old Mr. Deconnard (Dennis Haskins), their trailer park has been flooded. And with the flood has come a shark! It would be easy to give up, especially when people and horses start getting eaten. But no one surrenders to fate! No one gives up!

It’s a lot of fun, as any movie about a shark attacking a trailer park should be. All of the characters in the park are memorable in their redneck way. Even with the majority of the park underwater and neighbors getting eaten left and right, they’re still just as likely to be fighting each other as they are the shark. While I personally have never lived in a trailer park, I’ve lived close to a few and I’ve spent a few nights visiting and this film gets the atmosphere just right. Griff Furst, who is something of a specialist when it comes to bayou chaos, brings this location to life. From the very first tracking shot to the film’s action-packed finale, the bayou feels alive. You can easily imagine this location and these people existing long before the cameras started rolling. The relationships feel real.

Speaking of feeling real, I always suspected that Dennis Haskins had the ability to play a really evil character. Seriously, go watch the earliest episodes of Saved By The Bell and you’ll see some hints of darkness underneath Mr. Belding’s goofy exterior. That said, Haskins does such a good job playing this film’s villain that you eventually forget that you’re watching Mr. Belding threatening to kill people. Instead, he’s just a very bad man with an interesting preference in weapons.

(Speaking of weapons, Tara Reid also shows up, playing a trailer park resident who has a wide variety of weapons at her disposal. Though her role is small, her appearance allows for some playful poking at the Sharknado franchise.)

I liked Trailer Park Shark. It’s a blast of pure entertainment and my favorite of the recent SyFy shark movies. Since SyFy reruns everything a hundred times, keep an eye out for it!

Watch it in honor of the rednecks who keep us safe from sharks, often at the cost of life, limb, and satellite dish.