October Hacks: X-Ray (dir by Boaz Davidson)


The 1982 film X-Ray (also known was Hospital Massacre) opens in the early 60s.  A nerdy kid named Harold gives a Valentine’s Day card to a popular girl named Susan.  Susan takes one look at the card and laughs.  Harold responds by taking Susan’s friend, David, and hanging him from a coat rack.  Yikes!

The film then jumps forward by 19 years.  Susan (Barbi Benton) is an upper class, divorced mom who has just received a promotion at work.  As a part of the promotion, she was required to get a medical exam for insurance purposes.  On Valentine’s Day, she heads to the hospital so that she can get the results of that exam.  It should be a routine thing that only takes a few minutes.  Susan may be a  chain smoker but, otherwise, she’s in good health.

Unfortunately, Harold is now working at the hospital and he finally sees his chance to give Susan “a piece of my heart.”  Harold fakes Susan’s test results and then murders her doctor.  Susan finds herself being checked into the hospital, pretty much against her will.  Since Harold didn’t do a very good job at faking her results, the doctors are all confused by Susan’s results.  Some of them want to operate.  Some of them just want to hold her for observation.  Susan desperately wants to leave, especially when she comes to realize that Harold is killing people in the ward.  As the doctors and nurses strap Susan down to her bed and prepare to operate, Harold goes on a rampage….

Produced by Cannon Films and directed by Boaz Davidson, X-Ray is an effectively frightening slasher film.  While the film’s plot doesn’t always hang together (for instance, Susan is remarkably untraumatized by the fact that, when she was a child, her best friend was hung from a coat rack), the hospital itself is a thoroughly creepy location and the supporting characters are all either extremely strange or extremely callous.  This is a slasher film that works less because of the blood that’s spilled but instead because it captures the dread that everyone feels at the prospect of having to spend any time at the hospital.  Even the doctors who aren’t trying to kill Susan come across as being cold and unfeeling.  The scene where Susan finds herself being ordered to undress so that she can be examined by a brusque doctor who she only met a few minutes before is, quite frankly, just as nightmarish as anything that we see Harold doing to any of his victims.  The fact that no one is willing to tell Susan what’s wrong and that everyone refuses to listen to her when she gets upset over the way she’s being treated is something to which many viewers will immediately relate.  And, of course, it’s not just that Susan has a madman stalking her through the hospital.  It’s also that all of the other patients seem to be so strange, from the guy who wanders around with his flask of bourbon to the three old women who share a hospital room with her and who talk about how, while Susan is beautiful on the outside, the inside of her body is slowly decaying.

Violent but quirky, X-Ray plays out like a filmed nightmare and it’s one of the most effective slasher films over the early 80s.

Back to School Part II #13: The Last American Virgin (dir by Boaz Davidson)


The_Last_American_Virgin_movie_poster

(SPOILERS BELOW!)

For the past week, I have been doing a chronological review of films about high school, college, and teenagers.  I started things off on Monday by taking a look at Teenage Devil Dolls, a film from the 1950s.  From there, I moved on to the 60s and then the 70s and now, finally, I am now ready to start in on the golden age of teen films — the 1980s!

I started things off by watching The Last American Virgin, a low-budget film from 1982 and oh my God!  Seriously, The Last American Virgin has got to be one of the strangest films that I’ve ever seen.  I can only imagine what teen audiences in 1982 must have thought when they went to see the latest sex comedy and discovered that it was actually one of the darkest and most depressing films ever made.

Actually, The Last American Virgin is two films in one.  The first film is pretty much a typical teen comedy.  Three friends — awkward but sweet Gary (Lawrence Monoson), handsome but shallow Rick (Steve Antin), and funny fat guy Dave (Joe Rubbo) — try to get laid and survive their senior year in high school.  They pick up three girls by pretending to have cocaine.  (They offer them sweet-n-low instead, which leads to a lengthy scene of the girls snorting the artificial sweetner and then saying stuff like, “This is the best Colombian that I’ve ever had.”)  They meet a lonely housewife who had sex with two of them before her husband arrives home.  (As usual, Gary misses out.)  They have sex with a crude hooker and all end up with crabs as a result.  It’s a typically crude teen comedy, distinguished only by the fact that Monoson, Antin, and Rubbo are a lot more believable as teenagers than the usual 25 year-old actors who often starred in these films.  (According to the imdb, Monoson was only 16 when The Last American Virgin first went into production.)

But, right there in the middle of the usual teen movie shenanigans, there’s this other movie taking place.  Gary is in love with Karen (Diane Franklin, who appeared in several teen films in the 80s, including Better Off Dead) but Karen is dating Rick.  When Gary finds out that Karen has lost her virginity to his best friend, he ends up sitting alone in a diner while Just Once (“I did my best … but I guess my best wasn’t good enough…”) plays on the soundtrack.  In fact, that song shows up several times during the movie.  Basically, whenever Gary tries to do anything, we suddenly hear: “I did my best … but I guess my best wasn’t good enough….”

I mean, seriously, poor Gary!  Even the soundtrack is implying that he’s a loser!

Eventually, Karen discovers that she’s pregnant.  Rick refuses to help out and promptly leaves on a ski trip.  Gary and Karen tell their parents but they’re going on the ski trip as well but instead, they go to an empty house that once belonged to Gary’s late grandmother.  Gary points out a huge, old-fashioned radio sitting in a corner and says that Karen can listen to it if she wants.  Karen starts to cry.  Gary starts to cry and swears that he’ll never abandon her.

Karen gets an abortion.  Shots of Karen at the clinic are mixed in with scenes of Gary desperately trying to raise the money to pay for her abortion.  He begs his boss for an advance on his salary.  He pawns his stereo.  All the while, U2’s I Will Follow plays on the soundtrack.

At this point, the film had gotten so serious that I was half-expecting for Gary to come to the clinic to pick up Karen, just to be told that she had died during the procedure.  But no, Karen survives.  They go back to grandma’s house.  Karen thanks Gary for all that he’s done for her.  Gary cries and says that he loves her.  Karen invites Gary to her birthday party.

Gary goes to the birthday party, bringing with him the gift of a ring.  But, as soon as Gary steps into the kitchen, what’s the first thing he sees?

Karen hugging Rick.  Both of them have tears in their eyes.  They look back at Gary.

Gary stumbles out of the party.  He gets in his car and drives away.  We get a close-up of Gary sobbing in the car…

I did my best …. but I guess my best wasn’t good enough…

AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!

I mean … MY GOD, HOW DEPRESSING CAN A MOVIE BE!?

And yet, that depressing ending is what sets The Last American Virgin apart.  I mean, it’s not a happy ending but it definitely elevates this low-budget and rather crude movie.  If nothing else, it feels more realistic than having Lawrence Monoson punch out Steve Antin and then live happily ever after.  Sometimes, stories don’t end with love and smiles.  Often times, they end with an awkward teenager sobbing as he drives home.

So, that’s The Last American Virgin.  It’s an odd little movie.  It was also a remake of a film that the same director had previously made in Israel and the film’s mix of low humor and high drama feels more European than American.  This is definitely a film made by an outsider, trying to imagine what American teenagers are like.  It makes for a movie that, though it may appear to be a typical teen sex comedy, is actually something else altogether.

Seriously, this is a weird one.  I’m as surprised as anyone to say that I recommend it.