Superman, Spider-Woman, Dallas, Badminton Brawling, and More! It’s Dariya Dil (1988, dir. K. Ravi Shankar)

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

When you first reach out on the Internet to find foreign knockoffs of American superheroes you will most likely come across something referred to as the Indian Superman and Spiderwoman. That movie is called Dariya Dil. Funny enough, there was a literal remake of Superman that came out one year prior to this from India as well. It was just called Superman, but is one of the many superhero knockoff movies for which I haven’t found English subtitles. However, every one of the mentions of this movie that I have seen appear to have been written by people who have only seen just the Superman and Spiderwoman scene. They will even reference the IMDb plot summary, which doesn’t even mention Superman or Spiderwoman, as if they are in disbelief that it could be the right movie. The plot summary is right, and so are the people who talk about how great the superhero scene is in the movie. Yet, they both don’t do justice to this film. I hope I can. I also have linked to the full film at the end of this review. Thanks to Shemaroo Films, at the time of writing this, it is up on YouTube legally. I’m sorry about the black bars in my screenshots. That’s where YouTube puts the tiny subtitles. I normally work around this for review purposes, but this was not one that made it easy.

The movie starts out and we are introduced to the hero of the film named Ravi who is played Govinda. He’s here to tell his Dad named Dhaniram (Kader Khan) that he needs to cut back on the sugar so that we know he is the son who listens to his Dad.

You can think of the Dad in this as Larry Hagman from Dallas. Although, he won’t get shot like J.R.

Now Ravi goes to wake one of his brothers and sisters-in-law.

I love the dialog that leads up to that line about her neck-ache. Ravi tells them that God grants wishes to early risers. Sapna (Shoma Anand) says that her husband is an image of God, but that regardless of telling him three hundred times a day about the pain in her neck, he doesn’t help. Her husband says that the treatment for her neck is very expensive. Don’t feel bad though because the treatment is “just an ordinary diamond necklace.” This is when the film makes it clear that other than Ravi, the rest of the family is going to be scheming against Dad. Also, we find out that the father apparently has a lot of money he is sitting on.

After Ravi wakes his brother Ajay (Shashi Puri), we cut to the family factory of Shani Ram & Co.

Since there is a boombox onscreen at this point, it’s as a good a time as any to mention the music in this movie. I don’t mean the musical numbers, but the score. There are two noteworthy things about it. First, it has odd timing to say the least. Sometimes it makes sense, but other times it will get all dramatic even though something very minor has happened on screen. Sometimes I swear nothing happens, but the music doesn’t seem to know that fact. I’m sure they were doing this on purpose because the only other movie I have seen that tries harder to make fun of soap operas is Soapdish (1991).

The second thing is the choice of scores. Often it sounds like this almost futuristic synthesizer music. It kept reminding me of background music I would hear in the Trancers movies. Like everything else in this movie, the score is very 80’s.

Back to the movie. This guy has come in to do his Saturday Night Live audition. He tells Dhaniram that he is his A.D.S. (Asrani) By that he means assistant-driver-secretary. He explains that since he does three jobs, he should be getting three salaries. It’s pretty funny as Dhaniram explains that he actually is just an assistant who knows driving and can do the job of a secretary. Thus, it’s only one job in reality.

The main plot line for this movie is how the father appears to be very greedy with his money, but actually will turn out to be a good guy. He just doesn’t throw his money around for no reason, and isn’t afraid if people want to call him a miser. Heck, he’ll even proudly accept an award as “the king of misers.”

The soap opera of the scheming family and rich Dad continues at home. Then it cuts to an office where a guy hands Ajay some money. Then dramatic zoom…

and abrupt cut to the horse track.

This movie has a thing for abrupt cuts. Apparently, the wipe transition was not in the director’s cinematic vocabulary. Well, he does use one late in the movie. I’m not sure where it came from, but it’s there. The rest of the time scenes will just end. It’s kind of like getting a jump scare each time the scene needs to change. When you add that to everything else in this movie, I love it!

Ajay took the money to the track and lost it. So he does what any irresponsible person would do. He uses the old terrorists beat me up and took the money routine.

Those are the actual subtitles. I don’t know what I like better. The fact that he actually says terrorists took the money. His brother’s yellow-jacket sweater. Nope, it’s the comedy routine that Dhaniram and his A.D.S. go into about what actually happened. I really enjoy how the father says we need to make sure we really know exactly who these “looters” were. Were they “terrorists, extremists, activists, optimists or pessimists?” Dhaniram and his A.D.S. go into cricket umpire mode so that they will remain unbiased.

This is when A.D.S. and other members of the family launch into a standup performance before stripping Ajay of his fake bandages. Cut!

A littler earlier in the movie we met Radha (Kimi Katkar) on a bus. She will be our heroine for the movie. She’s the future Spiderwoman and Indian Natlie Wood. There’s a West Side Story (1961) musical number and one that appears to reference Splendor in the Grass (1961), so why not? This is the scene of the badminton match between Ravi and the guy Radha came with who is determined to take Ravi down. Let’s cut to the chase. Ravi finds out that an iron ball has been put inside the shuttle cork. It’s on, and I think the filmmakers might have seen Turkish Star Wars.

And cut! Cut to what? Why Singin’ In The Rain (1952) of course!

I’m sure the fact that the jacket resembles the one Michael Jackson wore in Thriller is a total coincidence. The musical numbers in this are actually pretty good. It helps a lot that Shemaroo Films bothered to give us subtitles on the songs. I’m pretty sure that every old Bollywood movie I’ve watched never bothered to do that. Can you imagine watching something like The Sound of Music (1965) without subtitles on any of the songs?

As soon as Ravi is literally strung up with rope, it cuts back to more family scheming. Two of the brothers decide to hatch a plan to get at their father’s wealth. Now we meet D.O. Gogi, the shady Doggie Income Tax Officer.

The Dad will refer to him as Doggie later on in the movie. The brothers tell him that their Dad has a bunch of “black money”. Apparently, by turning him in they will get 10% of it. Doggie tries to get a bribe out of the Dad, and he agrees to it. I love how it instantly cuts from Doggie turning to leave the room to Doggie waiting at a construction site for his money. No wasted time in Dariya Dil! Dad shows up, Doggie takes his money, and the cops arrest Doggie. Scene!

Oh, before I continue. Earlier in the movie when we first met Radha, there was a little sequence on a bus. Dariya Dil breaks the fourth wall a few times, and…

the first time it does it, it’s kind enough to hold up four fingers to make sure you get it. I bring it up because Ravi needs to complain in the next scene about the “his” room being occupied.

Ravi decides he has no choice and goes into the “her” room. Of course Radha is in there. If you watch Dariya Dil, then you will often find yourself saying, “Well, of course that just happened. Of course!” Such as these wonderful lines about being intoxicated by urine.

She initially freaks out, but Ravi isn’t going to put up with her backwards bathroom rules. He goes into fast motion to get past her, and then ah!

Once again, of course, he comes out of the bathroom to find Radha is still there because the two of them are locked in the department store. I’m sure that if this movie came out after 1991, then it would have found some way to reference the Frank Whaley/Jennifer Connelly locked in a Target store movie called Career Opportunities. Instead, she threatens him with a sword, then falls asleep next to it. She has a bad dream that he gets drunk, and tries to take advantage of her. She wakes up to find that it’s not a good idea to go to bed next to a sword where you can easily pick up the blade by mistake. He bandages her hand and of course…

Superman and Spiderwoman costumes are hanging right next to them. This is the part of the film that has made it famous. I’ll try to give you some highlights.

Then like everything else in the movie, it suddenly cuts to the next scene. This is when I’d say the soap opera portion kicks into high gear. Up till now it’s been rather comical, but it’s going to get a bit more serious. By that, I mean more scheming children. However, we now find out that the father is anything but a miser when A.D.S. catches him coming out of the post office with a bunch of money orders. The father has his reasons for keeping it a secret. A.D.S. respects him for it. This is when we really know the Dad is a good guy, and does have money.

Need more no nonsense, no time wasted material? We find out now that Ajay is going to get married to a pink lady.

This means a letter needs to be written to Dhaniram’s brother in London. Cut to plane, and boom! He’s there.

I’m not sure which one of these outfits on the girls are worse. That one, or…

this one earlier. While the men’s outfits aren’t much better, the women’s outfits in this movie are so 80’s it hurts. After a few more scenes, we get one I honestly thought meant these two girls were going to turn out to be lesbians.

The dialog here, the way these two ladies act, and that this scene comes after all the crazy stuff we’ve already talked about really had me thinking that could be a possibility. In fact, considering a musical number later in the film, I’m surprised they didn’t turn out to be lesbians. In reality, they are two ladies that are going to also be plotting against the Dad through the Mom. Oh, and it will only take a foot massage in the scene immediately following this one for the scene immediately following that one to be Mom going to Dad in order to get money for the kids from him. Again, it’s No Time Wasted Dariya Dil!

This is when Dhaniram goes into super-dramatic mode.

He finally takes us inside the prayer room. This is where the father allegedly was sitting on a bunch of money like he was the guy Rainbow was referring to in their song Man On The Silver Mountain. Inside, we find it empty except for a few keepsakes. He picks up the items and gives the backstory on them. He in fact calls his family to come forward and share this wealth with him that he worships. I mentioned it before, but let me elaborate here. The film is as much about the father as it is about his children learning not only about their father and his principles, but also why their father is hesitant to just hand out money to them.

The mother continues her pleading. Dhaniram does give in. He gives his sons money to start their own businesses. Ravi is the only one who doesn’t accept it. He tells his father that his lessons are the wealth he has given him. Just as we have this tender moment between father and son…

the movie instantly cuts to…

a woman vomiting. Talk about ruining the moment. This is to tell us she is pregnant. I would show you just how fast we get to her having this baby, but there are some very crucial scenes in between.

First, we get a staged show put on to make Doggie look good by rescuing the brothers from a bad deal. Doggie was bailed out by his brother. A brother that is marrying into the family. One of the girls, who is Doggie’s sister, is also marrying into the family. I think. It gets confusing as any good soap opera should. The point is that Dad catches them all having a conversation about the fake bad business deal. He confronts them. We get this reaction from Doggie.

That’s all you really have to know about this part. Now we cut to Dhaniram pulling up to help some people stranded on the side of the road. He doesn’t see that they are waiting for him. This happens to him.

See! I keep my promises. He did not get shot like J.R. He was stabbed instead, then tossed in the water to die. Totally different!

After a few scenes to tell us everyone is still dirty and the bad guys have taken control of the family, the baby is born.

In terms of runtime, it’s only a few minutes after we found out she was pregnant in the first place.

Now we cut to a funeral/baby shower? I don’t know. However, we get this scene.

Believe it or not, this movie had me wondering what crazy stuff would happen to the point that I didn’t even notice the major clues this movie was dropping about who shot J.R. … I mean stabbed Dhaniram.

Ravi takes his mother away to a house run by his uncle. He finds that it’s actually a home his Dad funded to help the “old and helpless.” Rhana shows up to support the mother.

Now we get an even more random musical number than the Singin’ In The Rain one. It starts with who I believe is a college teacher talking to himself about whether Shakuntala or Vasantsena was more beautiful. I’ve taken a course in both Comparative Religion and Religion in Early India, but I have no clue who they are. Doesn’t matter because he discovers Ravi and Rhana under a tree. Then the Splendor in the Grass musical number begins.

That then goes to a ugly sweater and flamingo dance.

Then it finally settles on whatever the heck he’s wearing and one of the few non-Sari women’s outfits that I like in this movie

Now we cut to the factory to find that when the workers complain, then Doggie whips them with his belt.

It’s been awhile since I watched Ran (1985), but I do remember the lady near the end who goes on a vicious rant about how much she hates the family before they behead her. I would not be surprised if this film is also borrowing from King Lear. Sadly, I have never read the play. My only exposure is through Kurosawa. Ravi witnesses this so…

the movie is now Norma Rae (1979), The Working Class Goes To Heaven (1971), Sister Stella L. (1984). Take your pick.

The bad guys try to shut down the house for the helpless. Not sure if they are sucessful or not. A.D.S. seems to show up to stop it after Ravi puts up an actually fight. Doesn’t matter because this happens next.

Dhaniram shows up and is alive! I guess he was pretending to be his brother during this time. I don’t recall seeing the brother after he showed up initially. Doesn’t matter cause Dad is back. He comforts his wife, then goes to visit Ravi as his brother. However, Ravi sees right through it. He knows it’s his father. He tells him so, and they hug. But if you think actor Kader Khan is going to give up a chance to play the flamboyant brother some more, then you are wrong. No, we finally get Dhaniram actually saying what I have been saying from the beginning. “D.O. Gogi? You mean doggie?”

He takes it further too. After doggie corrects him, Dhaniram doesn’t care, and says it sounds better that way. Every dog needs a collar!

Dhaniram has a great idea for Doggie. He tells him that to combat Ravi, he should kiss up to the workers. He tries to do just that.

Now comes the final, and most bizarre musical number in the film. It’s the West Side Story one. Ravi is wandering down the street when he is confronted by a gang out to get him.

Boy! Ravi is in trouble. If the fact that a posse of cisgender women, transgender women, and Radha show up to rescue him doesn’t surprise you, then I have done justice to how crazy this movie is.

They do a combination of an advocation of non-violence while gladly humiliating these guys by drawing on their homophobia and transphobia to make them squirm.

They even dress up one of the guys as a woman and make him ride a mule like the jackass he is.

The remainder of this film can basically be described as the father using his business skills and his inner circle to bring down Doggie. His sons are ultimately left in ruin. However, this is when the Dad reveals to them that he is still alive. The father doesn’t oust them or anything. He reunites his family.

The brothers finally get the point there father was trying to get across to them. The father also seems to have learned that maybe he was a little too hard on everyone when it came to his ideals. This is also when we find out that the sons didn’t know about how their father died. Of course it was Doggie.

Ravi and family bring him to justice. Even Doggie’s sister is redeemed. Earlier in the film after she was in the poor house, she came to her brothers. They pretended like they didn’t even know her. They weren’t there when she needed them, so she sure does the same thing to them when they need her. They kind of had to do this with the story. I mean the message of the film would have felt a little funny if the woman with Dad’s grandchild was kicked to the curb.

With the story over, the remaining cast kindly poses for the ending title card.

That’s the end! That’s Dariya Dil! It’s a movie known for a short musical number that happens to feature Superman and Spiderwoman. It’s a movie that has an ultimately simple story about selfless charity and not taking the easy path to wealth. Especially when taking that path hurts others, family or otherwise. It’s also a movie that is filled with so many other things that make it so worth watching. I really enjoyed this film. I might come across another one of these foreign superhero movies that I’ll like, but I don’t think any of them will top this.

Here is the full film. Not sure why they felt the need to disable embedding, but they did.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Little Hero (1967), Computer Superman (1977), Return of Mr. Superman (1960), Asi kabadayi/Turkish Wolverine (1986)

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I am in the middle of watching the Indian film Dariya Dil (1988), which is commonly known as Indian Superman and Spiderwoman. It’s awesome, but I won’t be able to have it finished by tonight or maybe even tomorrow. As a result, I thought I would share four more superhero knockoff movies that I won’t be able to review because I don’t have subtitles for them.

Little Hero (1967, dir. Reza Safai)

This film from India apparently has not only Superman in it, but Tarzan and The Ringo Kid. That also looks like it could be Supergirl. I thought that only the Filipinos knocked off Supergirl. Apparently, even before we did the Helen Slater movie.

Computer Superman (1977, dir. Sompote Sands)

This movie from Thailand is mainly about the Thai version of The Six Million Dollar Man, but also has a host of other characters such as this guy who has giant ears.

Return of Mr. Superman (1960, dir. Manmohan Sabir)

Like Superman a bunch, but wish he looked more like Spy Smasher? No worries. This 1960 Indian film has got you covered. He flies and everything! Strangely, there was another Indian movie that came out the same year with the same lead actor, but was just called Superman. Oh, and yes, I am aware there is a Turkish Spy Smasher, but I have subtitles for that one.

Asi kabadayi/Turkish Wolverine (1986, dir. Çetin Inanç)

From probably the king of Turkish knockoffs comes the movie that has become known as Turkish Wolverine. You could also call it Turkish Rambo Wolverine if you want. I mean he does shoot arrows as well, and is played by Serdar Kebapçilar who played Turkish Rambo. I swear there’s Turkish everything.

Hallmark Review: Flower Girl (2009, dir. Bradford May)

Posted on March 13, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Before I start talking about the movie I need to mention a couple of funny things.

First, I kind of like actress Marla Sokoloff. I first saw her on an episode of Melissa & Joey where she played a chiropractor that Joey Lawrence’s character goes to see. I enjoyed her performance. Her and Joey end up in a relationship together. It turns out she’s a virgin. As I recall, he can’t follow through with it. It was humorous to me given the title of this film.

Another coincidence that is similar to that one is another place I had seen Marla before watching this film. The previous film I saw her in was Scents and Sensibility (2011). In this movie Marla’s character will bring up that she enjoys more serious books rather than things like romance novels. There is even a scene where they mention Jane Austen who of course wrote Sense and Sensibility.

Weird that not only were both of those things done after Flower Girl, but that they were the only two other places I had seen her before, which also happen to somehow tie back to this film. Bizarre!

The second thing is something that only someone like myself who, for some reason, has now seen 164 Hallmark movies would notice. All but 5 of which have been since last July.

I think IMDb nailed it here. Let’s go through those recommendations:

Perfect On Paper is about a girl who is given a job editing romance novels. She is encouraged to date men who are perfect on paper. She eventually comes around to the guy who isn’t perfect on paper, but perfect for her. This movie has romance novels at the center of it, and Marla is encouraged to date a doctor because he is perfect on paper. Also, the actor playing the right guy in this movie is the wrong guy in Perfect On Paper. His last name in that was Cooper, which just so happens to be the last name of the right guy in this movie.
So You Said Yes is about a girl who runs a bridal shop that tries to cater more to the brides actual wants rather than just whatever is the standard wedding they are told they want by the owner. Marla will several times talk about how she does just that. She listens to her clients and uniquely tailors the flowers to be used at the wedding even when that includes something like matching flowers to biker tattoos.
Recipe For Love is about a girl who is given a chance to help ghostwrite a cookbook for a famous cook who is hiding behind a persona that isn’t the real him. Someone ghostwriting books is an important part of this film. That person is also using someone else to pretend that they are the person who is writing the books.
My Boyfriends’ Dogs is about a girl who goes through a series of boyfriends accumulating the dogs they buy together along the way. During all this she passes through a dog store where she keeps running into a guy that winds up being for her. Okay, the connection here is a little weak, but it was written by Gary Goldstein, and he has written both of the Flower Shop Mystery movies.
Bridal Wave is about a girl who is going to be married to a doctor, but at the last minute leaves him for another guy. They will break up when they both realize that they were getting married because it seemed like the next logical step. They both worked together all the time with him as the doctor and her as his assistant. In this movie, one of the two men Marla is dating is a doctor. She will also break it off with him because she thinks both of them were rushing into a possible marriage because they were both just looking for someone. Also, just as in Bridal Wave, they will never make the wrong guy out to be a jerk. He is just not the right guy for her.
In The Wish List, a girl starts the movie as a little girl who is very organized and drawing pictures of her prince charming. It then cuts to her in the present as an adult. She will proceed to make a big list of the things that must be in a guy for him to be perfect for her. She will end up choosing between a doctor and a barista. To try and decide between the two, she makes a list comparing the two of them. The doctor will go away to South America at one point in the movie. This movie also starts off with Marla as a little girl. She is in her grandma’s flower shop before cutting to the present where she now runs the place. Her grandma will even tell her to make a list comparing the two guys she meets. One of them is a doctor. Oh, and yes, the doctor is going to go to South America in this one too.

Like I said, I think IMDb nailed it this time with their recommendations.

I think I’ve nearly laid out the whole plot right there for you. I’ll try to be brief.

The film begins by showing us Laurel Haverford (Marla Sokoloff) as a little girl for what I think was about two seconds. It’s actually kind of cute. When the little girl is onscreen it only says “Flower”, but when it then cuts to Laurel it adds “Girl” to give us the full title. Marla does flowers for weddings.

We are quickly introduced to the two main ladies in Laurel’s life. One is her grandmother Rose (Marion Ross). The other is a friend named Brooke oddly enough played by Brook Kerr. I’m not reading that off of IMDb either. It says it in the credits that the character is Brooke with an ‘e’ and the actress is Brook without an ‘e’. I have no idea why. To add even further confusion to this, the captions say her name is Brook without an ‘e’.

The introductions are over a wedding as well as a run with Rose and Brooke. Grandma Rose wants her daughter to get hooked up. Brooke might as well be Sarah Fischer from The Wish List cause she has her list of things that must be present in a guy. Well, at least things that show he is up for commitment and jobs he can’t have. Sorry wedding photographers who moonlight as guitar playing bartenders, but Brooke says you won’t do. I actually did know a community college speech teacher who moonlit as a bartender. He was a wonderful teacher.

This movie wastes no time. Grandma runs right into Dr. Evan Cooper (Terry Maratos) as she is finishing up delivering some flowers. I love the looks on Marion Ross’ face here as she talks with the doctor. First it’s surprise that he knows the Latin name of the flowers. Then it’s kind introductions. That’s followed by a sly look and a question about his marital status. After she finds out he’s not married, she springs up with this face.

The next major plot point is when Laurel runs into Stephen Banks (Kieren Hutchison) at a wedding. He will be kind of a man of mystery throughout this film. She later runs into him at a table with a bunch of books on it. Stephen suggests a book by Victoria Darling (Bonnie Root).

I’m not even going to take a guess at what the guy on the cover is holding. I don’t think I want to know.

That’s it for setup. There is a small subplot with an older guy named Gavin played by Nicolas Coster. If you look at Nicolas Coster’s filmography, then you will find that he seems to have been in everything. He’s probably most notable for being on the soap opera Santa Barbara. However, you can also see him in Betsy’s Wedding (1990) that a cross country coach I had liked to Goldengirl (1979) that The Cinema Snob put an impassioned plea out to get it a proper release when he reviewed it to All The President’s Men (1976). In this movie, he might as well not be there.

The remainder of the film is a series of dates with Stephen and Evan. I kind of already gave away the surprise earlier about the romance novels, but trust me, it’s not much of a surprise. The movie really sends you clear messages about it. In the end, she decides to be with Stephen. The film ends with them being married, then getting into a pretty neat looking carriage.

So, do I recommend it? Honestly, I have to say no. It has things to like about it sure. I really do like Marla. They obviously didn’t have a big budget for the movie, but tailored the film to fit that budget. They didn’t try to fake things like in Bradford May’s film Cloudy with a Chance of Love. Still, for the life of me, I can’t recommend it to anyone off the street. If you happen to turn it on with nothing else to watch, then sure. I do recommend though if you like Marla Sokoloff.

Filipino Batman: Alyas Batman en Robin (1991, dir. Tony Y. Reyes)

Posted on March 12, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

A Filipino Batman. Of course! There’s Turkish Supermen. There’s an Indonesian Lady Terminator. There’s Brazilian Star Wars. There’s a Mexican Batwoman. There’s a dancing Indian Superman and Spiderwoman. So why not a Filipino Batman? Actually, this is one of three that I know about. There is another one with the same title as this film from 1965, which I don’t have, and a movie called James Batman from 1966 that I do have. I’ll review that one later.

Let’s talk about this particular Filipino Batman. The title literally translates to Alias Batman and Robin, which is actually a very appropriate title. While the movie does have Batman, Robin, Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, and numerous other superheroes that show up at the end, they are all regular people who take up the roles rather than actually being the real characters.

The movie of course opens with the Batman TV Show theme song playing. However, it’s like almost all the lifted songs in this movie. It’s not the exact song. It’s not like if you watch the Taiwanese film King Of Snake (1984). In that film you will hear the main theme from The Terminator (1984) and music from Once Upon A Time In The West (1968) unaltered. In this movie, the songs will be tweaked or sampled, and have new lyrics. There is one exception, but we’ll get to that.

I’m gong to just cut through the very beginning of this movie cause the film sure does, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense. The movie opens up and we meet our future Batman (Joey de Leon) and Robin (Keempee de Leon).

As far as I can tell they are supposed to be high school or college students. The only person they are really clear about is the guy who becomes the Penguin. Now we meet our future Joker (Rene Requiestas) reading about the character.

I’m going to say it here. He has a great maniacal laugh. It never feels like there’s a psycho or a really bad guy behind it like you see in The Dark Knight (2008) or Batman (1989). Nevertheless, it still is pretty great, and he does it a lot. He also does great crazy eyes.

There are some girls here, some rivalry, and some fighting. None of it really matters. Trust me. Even the film will tell you later how meaningless these opening scenes are to the movie. The next thing you know Joker’s uncle gets out of jail and this happens.

There you go! Now we have Joker and Penguin (Panchito). They immediately go to rob the Treasury Office, but first!

The director of this movie made other films like this such as Bobo Cop (1988), Goosebuster (1991), and his own line of Tarzan films. I seriously doubt that sticker having the year Tim Burton’s Batman came out is just a coincidence.

Anyways, they rob the treasury and gloat about it.

They also talk about hiring some goons.

After our future Batman and Robin read about the robbery, we get Kabuki Joker.

Now the Joker and Penguin start hitting more places including apparently Gotham Bank.

I always suspected Gotham was really Manila. Now they’ve gone too far!!! The brothers decide to become Batman and Robin.

Well, to be fair. The brother who will be Batman actually wants to be Starzan. Starzan is this movie’s director’s Tarzan knockoff. Do I have to tell you? The actor who plays the brother is the actor who plays Starzan. However, future Robin tells him he can’t do that because it will turn “this movie into shit”.

Meanwhile, we need Catwoman (Almira Muhlach). So here she is with her posse.

After quoting the title of Bobby McFerrin’s Don’t Worry Be Happy, they are off to rob the Smith & Wesson Dollar Exchange! Now we get our first musical number.

My original sentences here were going to be that I couldn’t figure out where the song is from, but a friend came through. The song they use is Bird Dog by The Everly Brothers.

While I may have had trouble with that song, I sure as hell knew what the next one was! After Joker and Penguin rob a jewelry store, we get a montage of Batman and Robin becoming Batman and Robin.

“Do you still remember from your comic book. The series of the Dynamic Duo. The Caped Crusader and the Wonder Boy. They fight all the goons. Holy smoke, Batman and Robin. Oh my God, Batman and Robin. Praise the Lord, Batman and Robin. Shoot now, shoot. Batman and Robin. Let’s do Bruce Wayne now and Dick Grayson now. They are a part of me.”

In other words: “Let’s go surfin’ now. Everybody’s learning how. Come on a safari with me.” It’s Surfin’ Safari by The Beach Boys with lyrics about Batman and Robin.

It is glorious!!! I love the next one too!

Now the Joker and Penguin pull up to rob a place and that riff sure sounded familiar to me. It’s because it’s a riff from Oh, Pretty Woman. The lyrics are totally different.

But we have more important things now. To the Batcave!

Now the Joker and Penguin are going to strike again, but this time Batman and Robin are on the case. Oh, there’s also a little in-joke here about two Filipino production companies called VIVA and Regal. It’s not important.

To the Batmobile!!!

Action!

Oh, and some days you just can’t get rid of a coconut.

Now Batman goes where Batman always goes. No, not to the Bat Room. That’s later. He goes to the girl (Dawn Zulueta) he is interested in while dressed at Batman.

He asks her to meet him at the PPC. Apparently, PPC stands for Paco Park Cemetery. Why there? Your guess is as good as mine because before she can ask, he’s out the door.

Now we get reminded that Joker and Penguin aren’t the brightest of people. Well, the Joker that is cause they try to rob a Blood Bank.

Meanwhile, at the cemetery, Batman is resorting to jump scares.

While I was dishappiest, to quote Pat Buttram in Texans Never Cry (1951), with the jump scares in the awful Ex Machina (2015), I like the line “You son of a bat!” he gets from her after jumping out at her.

They go back to the Batcave now. She works for the Daily Planet…I mean the Daily Star. While he may be a son of a bat, he is a good host. He offers her something to drink.

Look! Batcaves are expensive and he needs to recoup costs somehow. She goes with Bat Tea. She asks if he can “take that off?” So of course this happens.

She meant his mask. He then asks her to take it off. She’s offended. Of course Batman meant her glasses, and he compliments her.

Given how this film is, I totally believe Batman told her she’s “even more beautiful with [her] eyes nude.” Now she asks the next logical question: “Can you tell me how Batman and Robin began?” Good question! I’d like to know that too. That’s when a Batarang flies across the screen…

because I’m pretty sure the film doesn’t understand how that happened either. Batman says they won’t stop till the super villains are stopped, and she asks to use the Bat Room. Scene!

Now we get a pointless part that amounts to Robin not being able to get his girl by telling her he’s Robin because it’s just as easy for anyone else to make a Robin uniform so this happens.

Well, it didn’t take them long because in the next scene Batman and Robin capture Penguin and Catwoman. Joker is still free.

Honestly, this is when the film begins to drag because it starts to try and take itself seriously. Batman and Robin try to get the girls they like. In fact, Robin shares a musical number with the girl (Vina Morales) he likes. This time around they didn’t bother to change anything. The song is Until Forever by Evan Rogers and D’Atra Hicks off the soundtrack to the movie Everybody’s All-American (1988).

Now we go over to Batman, and this is one movie that’s kind enough to tell you when a dream sequence is going to begin.

Unfortunately, it’s one of those dreams as realizes after waking up.

There’s another really immature moment next where we see Batman’s package through his underwear. I’m not showing that.

Now for no real reason at all, Penguin breaks out of prison and flies away in a helicopter. Batman decides he doesn’t want to play the part anymore. This leaves Robin to go fight crime alone.

Like I said before, this is where the film started to lose me. It will pick up at the very end, but till then the fun starts to stop.

Now Robin tries to protect himself against Joker and Penguin…

but he is beaten and Batman’s girl is taken prisoner while Robin is sent to the hospital. Batman must once again don the suit.

Now Batman goes to rescue his girl, and apparently does the same diving jump as Superman did in Kilink in Istanbul.

Kilink in Istanbul (1967, dir. Yilmaz Atadeniz)

Everything goes fine. The Joker and Penguin are now in jail. However, after crazy eyes…

they dig out the toilet and escape through the hole. Now you’d think the film would stop already, but no. There’s still a little left. Joker and Penguin decide to dress up as Batman and Robin to commit crimes, and blame it on them. The real Batman and Robin catch up with them and tell them as long as they return what they stole with interest, then they can go free.

After a stupid conversation between Batman, Robin, Joker, and the Penguin, Batman, out of the suit, goes to take out his girl, but look!

Now begins the final dance number and I think we all know this one. It’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Is Here To Stay by Danny & The Juniors, but of course we all remember it as performed by Sha-Na-Na in Grease (1978).

Everyone gets in on this number. Like mini-Spiderman here!

We know Batman and Superman are rivals, but for at least one dance they were able to put aside their differences.

If anyone knows who these two are, then tell me.

In the end, all that matters is that we’ll always be together!

My final thoughts on this movie are that I enjoyed it and would recommend it. The stuff near the end does take you out of the fun, and it really can’t pull of being serious, but that’s short-lived. It doesn’t ruin the movie. I know that some people cry foul whenever they see something like this and get outraged. I’m not one of them. The movie never felt like it was being mean spirited. It feels like a group of comedians with a love of 50’s and 60’s music got together and made a humorous Batman movie largely for fun. I always find it interesting to see such tightly controlled properties in new and interesting places. If that kind of thing bothers you, then don’t watch it. If it doesn’t, then check it out.

Following The Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm #7: Dolls and Angels (2008), Girlfriends (2000), Just Sex and Nothing Else (2005), What Ever Happened to Timi (2014)

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

This time around I actually have a couple of movies I can recommend. One of them I can recommend strongly. We also have the return of the ridiculously misleading Amazon Prime posters for foreign films.

Dolls and Angels (2008, dir. Nora Hamdi) – Ah, ha! The return of the poster to make you think it’s a lesbian movie. They went further this time than that poster for 9 1/2 Dates. First off, only one of those girls on that poster is a main character. The other one is just her friend. Her friend played by none other than Léa Seydoux. She also gets top billing on that poster while the actual two main characters are listed after her. You may know Léa Seydoux from Spectre (2015) or The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014). I know her from somewhere else. I wonder what they were trying to confuse people into thinking this movie was like?

Yep, only one of the most well known and lauded lesbian/bi-sexual/fluid sexuality love stories of the past few years. I’m telling you, one of the most fun things about watching these movies is to see these posters. Makes me think of when they retitled the Sylvester Stallone porno The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (1970) to The Italian Stallion after Rocky came out. They even made this incredible bullshit trailer.

Here is a realistic poster for Dolls and Angels.

That trailer is even misleading. Not because it doesn’t lay out the actual characters and give you an idea of what is going on, but that it’s way better made than the movie itself. This is one of the worst directed, edited, written, and shot movies I’ve sat through in a while. The closest is David A.R. White’s film Redeemed (2014), which is a mess. I think this movie even beats it.

Oh, and as for that talking that is played over things actually happening in the trailer. Yeah, that is in the movie, but all we see is the tomboy-ish girl frantically writing or walking around a roof while an incessant and annoying voice over plays with a little musical accompaniment. Ugh! The director also wrote the book and the screenplay. I get the feeling she didn’t know how to adapt some of her internal monologues that are common in books to the screen where they rarely belong or if they do, sparingly and kept short. A good example of this type of thing done right is The Hunger Games (2012). The book has a bunch of Katniss’ thoughts, but when they adapted it for a film, they transferred it to the visual medium instead of having us hear all those thoughts via a voice over. This feels like Nora Hamdi thought if Godard did it all the time, then surely it will work here. It doesn’t. If the editing and other things weren’t worse, then this would be the thing that made me the angriest while watching this film.

This movie even made a mistake that is so simple that I rarely see it done. It’s when you don’t make it clear a character has left the movie or will come back. Yet, they are gone long enough that the viewer is left wondering if they missed something. You are wondering if the character will come back, or if they are really gone now. Not because you should be, but because the movie is confusing and thus, unintentionally frustrating for the viewer. Then sometimes they suddenly reappear to say, “Hi! Yeah, I’m still in the movie,” only to possibly disappear again.

It wouldn’t be as much of an issue if the film had a single protagonist, but this one doesn’t. When you have only one person, then the world of the film is created around that character. Where they go, we follow. To modify a very tired cliche: If the character isn’t in the forest to see the tree fall, then the tree doesn’t make a sound. If the character hasn’t been to the forest at all, then the forest itself doesn’t exist.

However, when you have multiple protagonists that you switch between, then you no longer have a world being created by a single character as they travel through it. Now you have a living world in which your multiple protagonists exist. When you do that, then you can’t be unclear about things such as whether a character is no longer part of the world of the film. This is also true in TV Shows. That’s why they usually make it quite clear whether a character has truly left the world of the show or not. You actually can have a character disappear for a long period of time, but there needs to be a reason, and/or a payoff. Not just a, “Oh, they are still here. I almost forgot they were part of this movie.”

I guess I need to talk a little bit about the plot now.

The movie is about two sisters named Lya (Leïla Bekhti) and Chirine (Karina Testa). They are ethnically Persian and live in the projects of France. It was funny to actually see a character named Chirine in a movie. I knew a girl in college named Shirine who was also ethnically Persian. But enough of me reminiscing about someone that is both way more beautiful and smart than this movie.

The trailer tries to play up that the father, mother, and the youngest daughter are part of the story, but it’s not really true. What you have are two sisters that take opposite directions after being given a Barbie doll as kids. Lya became introspective, tough, and kind of a tomboy. I say “kind of” because I knew an actual tomboy in elementary school. Lya is just a girl that doesn’t doll herself up all the time. She leaves that to her sister Chirine who went in the opposite direction and tried to become that doll.

Chirine tries to get into modeling, but she really just gets stuck with a guy who claims to be an agent, but is rather shady. While that is going on, Lya is doing her own thing. The next movie was so good that it kind of obliterated my memory of this one. Lya just mainly battles with her identity in various ways. Sometimes it’s the annoying voice overs, and other times it’s actually trying to do what her sister does, but quickly finding out it doesn’t work for her.

No recommendation here at all. Next!

Girlfriends/Les autres filles (2000, dir. Caroline Vignal) – This is not to be confused with the TV Show that started the same year. In fact, if you are going to look this movie up on IMDb, then you are better off typing in the French title. If you type in Girlfriends, then it won’t show up in the results. If you click on “More title matches”, then it still isn’t in the list. Only when you click on “Exact title matches” does it suddenly show up.

I love that poster! First off, I’m quite sure neither of those girls are characters from the film. Secondly, notice there are no actor’s names listed. That’s probably because Julie Leclercq who plays the main character Solange, and the supporting character of Gary played by Benoîte Sapim never went on to do anything else. Lucky for them, it’s a very good movie. In fact at this point, out of the 167 films I’ve seen this year, it’s the best so far that I’ve watched. I don’t tear up easily, but I did. It takes a fair amount to get me to tingle, but this movie did it. Here’s the realistic poster for the movie.

Despite what that horrible poster makes you think, this is not a movie about two fun loving girlfriends who like to party. Although, the line “How was your first time?” does have something to do with movie. It’s about a teenage girl named Solange that is learning how to be a hairdresser. Think of those dental school type things where you can get the work done free or cheap because you are helping the students to learn. It’s like that where Solange and other girls are learning by working on actual people under the supervision of a teacher. The film is Solange coming of age in numerous facets.

Let me explain this in a couple of parts. First is what is in the title. Solange thinks that at her age she should have already had sex. She calls a radio show similar to Loveline in order to ask about losing your virginity. She even nearly loses it to a random guy who backs off as soon as he realizes just how young she is, and that she is a virgin. Even he has standards, and that means he can’t bring himself to make this girl’s first time be a random fuck in the grass no matter whether she wants it or not. She does eventually lose it, but at that point she has also undergone a drastic transformation in several ways. So much so that her losing it really isn’t that important at that point. It’s more of a capstone on her actual coming of age.

The second part of this is that the movie sends a bunch of hints at you to make you think she might be a lesbian, bi-sexual, or even transgender. Honestly, I think she’s probably bi-sexual and transgender, but the film will never actually confirm it. She starts off even more of a tomboy then the girl in Dolls and Angels. By the end of the film, she dresses more masculine and has cut her hair very short. She also carries herself in a more masculine manner. That is partially tied to her greatly increased confidence, but I believe there’s more going on there. Especially because the guy she ends up having sex with is shown wanting to cuddle while she just gets up, gets dressed, and leaves like that dumbass guy in a movie who goes off, then wants to get out of there as soon as possible.

The last part is hard to put my finger on. It’s just done so well throughout the movie in every respect. I would be lying if I said it was flawless. I’m not one of those people who buys all the crazy hype around Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), which is the same hype that once surrounded The Dark Knight (2008). Both of those movies have flaws, and so does this one. However, just like those movies, this is still very good. I actually enjoyed it more than Mad Max: Fury Road to be honest. That’s probably because I went into this movie not expecting anything. Going into Mad Max: Fury Road, I expected the moon based on what people were saying. As a result, I kept seeing the flaws. I need to see it again so I can just enjoy it for what it actually is rather than what people say it is. The big flaw I would say is that the shift in her character near the end felt a little sudden. Enough that I mention it, but not nearly jarring enough to be an issue.

Two special mentions here. The acting is excellent. In particular, the performance from Leclercq. The second thing is the scene that got me tingling. There is a scene when she cuts a guy’s hair. It was one of the most erotic things I’ve seen a long time, and it was just Solange cutting his hair. It sent a warm feeling through my body like I haven’t felt in a long time.

I can’t recommend this movie enough right now. Maybe I’ll end up seeing something better this year, but right now, it’s easily the best. If you are doing that 52 films directed by women thing that’s going on this year and want to go off the beaten path, then check this one out.

Just Sex and Nothing Else (2005, dir. Krisztina Goda) – Wow! “Young, Single, Ready to Mingle”. I wonder where that film is because if by young, they mean people in their early to mid 30’s playing like they are closer to their late 30’s/early 40’s, then sure. They are single. That’s true. As for being ready to mingle, that’s pretty misleading.

Even this poster is misleading. That poster says love triangle between the good girl, the bad girl, and a guy who seems like he wants to be with the good girl, but wouldn’t mind a little bad girl once in awhile. That’s not the movie. Oh, and yes. This is another Hungarian film. So is the next one. For some reason that’s a thing now for these posts. Every four of them, there is now at least one movie from Hungary. Over the course of this experiment so far, I’ve seen five Hungarian movies. Jeez!

Here’s is the trailer. Although, it’s dubbed into German you still sort of get an idea of the kind of movie you are in for. Even if it does leave out a pivotal character altogether.

Not Ali (Antal Czapkó), the nice Turkish baker who turns out to also like doing exotic dancing. He’s prominently featured in the trailer as he should be. He’s pretty great in this movie. No, the character that is very important in the movie, but totally missing from the trailer is Péter played by Zoltán Seress. Or as I like to call him: The Hungarian Patrick Norton.

Zoltán Seress

Patrick Norton

If you are a techie and maybe from the Bay Area, then he needs no introduction, but for everyone else. Patrick Norton is a prominent tech journalist and tech show host. The two most well known being The Screen Savers, from when TechTV was a thing, and Tekzilla on Revision3. Although, he’s all over the place.

Back to the movie. You can think of this movie as one part Hallmark romantic comedy. It’s got the girl looking for love. There’s a right guy and a wrong guy. The difference is that this movie makes them both good guys, and never delivers a brick to your head to tell you who she should be with. The other part is Samantha from Sex and the City if she were completely all over the place about what she wants.

The movie has four main characters. Dóra played by Judit Schell is the never knowing what she wants Samantha type character. Zsófi played by Kata Dobó has a lot of sex, but only appears to be happy. She’s part advisor to Dóra and part female counterpart to Tamás played by Sándor Csányi. He also has a fair amount of sex, but the unhappiness part never really completely overtakes him, and only starts to catch up with him when Dóra comes into his life.

The way Dóra comes into his life is rather humorous. We see her walk past four road workers who definitely take notice of her, and she seems to like it. However, she goes right to the obviously married guy who she doesn’t know is married. When his wife shows up he quickly puts her out on the balcony of his office with only her panties on. Tamás lives in the same building, notices her, and tells her she’s better off coming across to get out through his place. If nothing else, as he puts it, because if she doesn’t, then the four workers will never be done fixing the road.

Don’t ask me how this part comes together, but here it is in two parts. First, Dóra and Tamás are putting together a production of a Dangerous Liaisons type play. Yeah, I know. Two Hungarian movies in a row with ties to that novel. Weird. The second part is Dóra trying to figure out what she really wants. Does she want stability with the real good guy Péter? Does she just want sex like Zsófi and Tamás seem to enjoy having a lot of? Does she just want to get pregnant? She really bounces around quite a bit here. Actually, that’s the main flaw with this movie. She bounces around so much that it starts to stop being funny, and starts to feel like a chore following her around. It never ruins the film, but it started to get to me.

In the process, we get the usual speed dating scene that is always in these kind of movies. The only thing noteworthy about it is that one of the guys is a trans man. He’s actually the sanest appearing one of the lot, but at that point she wants to get pregnant so that rules him out. Also, it was probably not the best idea for him to open with a line about how after he has bottom surgery it will work just like the real thing.

We also get the fun, nice, but quirky guy we know she won’t end up with, but we like having around. That’s Ali in this movie. He’s a Turkish baker who is really nice. She actually goes to him at one point, but he has to go back to Turkey for a couple of weeks. That’s until he figures out a way to make it work anyways and shows up at her door. He then drops his pants to reveal leopard print briefs and starts doing a little dance. I love the old lady across the hall who sees it, and Ali tells her to stop looking cause it’s not a peepshow. Of course, he does end up coming back only to fail once more with Dóra, but not with the old lady. After Dóra closes her door, she puts her hand out with some money to pay Ali to dance for her. He accepts it. You can tell, I really enjoyed Ali in this.

Overall, I’d say this is a reasonably fun romantic comedy. It looks like it might be getting a remake in the United States. If you type in the title on IMDb, there’s another film with that same title listed as being “in development”. It wouldn’t surprise me. I mean My Sassy Girl went from being a South Korean film to a Japanese mini-series, and was remade in the US the same year, which was 7 years after the original film. It could happen.

Also of note, the ending made me think of the Boombox Serenade scene from Say Anything… (1989) except she does it with her own voice instead of Peter Gabriel’s.

What Ever Happened to Timi/The Good, The Bad, and The Pretty (2014, dir. Attila Herczeg) – Yes, yet another Hungarian comedy. This one really can’t make up it’s mind poster wise. That’s the poster that is on Amazon Prime. Here is another one.

And here is yet another one.

I have to be honest here. I had almost no idea what was going here. Thank goodness there is a short plot summary available on Amazon Prime: “When a soon-to-be-married good guy has a one night stand with a beautiful former high school classmate, they think it’ll just be a quick fling. But the class bad boy has other plans.” There’s also a trailer.

Basically, what you have here is a Hungarian sex comedy that I really can’t recommend. But I probably should elaborate a little. The movie starts off with a high school prom dance. The narrator was there and slightly bumped his crotch against his dream girl’s butt. Very slightly, but it was enough that he went to the bathroom and jerked off. That tells you something about this guy right away.

Now we cut to the high school reunion where we think the two guys and a couple of girls are our only main characters, but none of the voices match the narrator. The narrator is actually a supporting jackass character. Sex happens here, and our scumbag narrator films it, then uses it to blackmail the other guys into getting him laid by the girl he had a crush on as a kid. That’s it really.

I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the characters. I really did find it confusing. I didn’t like story. I didn’t like the resolution. Oddly, I could have gone for a movie that just followed the douchebag around. He’s reasonably funny, interesting, and isn’t just a stock character like the others came across to me as being. I could have gone for something that actually did put him at the center rather than this film that actually teases you about that and says that the film is never about a guy like him. Why not? I might have actually enjoyed that movie.

Definitely check out Girlfriends and for some laughs Just Sex and Nothing Else. Avoid the other two.

————-

For those of you who waded through all of that. Here is the Joker from a 1991 Batman movie from the Philippines.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Supermen (1970), Superman (1987), Star Jjangga II: Super Betaman, Majingga V (1990), Three Supermen at the Olympic Games (1984)

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Sometimes when you are trying to find Superman and Batman knockoffs you come across ones where you just can’t track down English subtitles. Here are four of them. The first and last are from a long running series of Supermen movies. The second is one of at least three 1980’s Indian Superman movies. The third is some sort of Batman like movie from South Korea. Despite not having any idea what they are saying, I can still take screenshots!

Supermen (1970, dir. Bitto Albertini)

Superman (1987, dir. B. Gupta)

Star Jjangga II: Super Betaman, Majingga V (1990, dir. Yeong-han Kim)

Three Supermen at the Olympic Games (1984, dir. Italo Martinenghi)

Hallmark Review: A Christmas Detour (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I see nothing wrong there.

Or there.

Or there either. Nothing wrong at all.

I think I said the last time I reviewed a movie that had a plot based on rules for finding the perfect man that I would rather have hernia surgery again capped off with a catheter put in me again. While this does have Candace Cameron Bure in it, it’s still way better than Just The Way You Are. I guess this movie falls in between that one and Dater’s Handbook.

I finally got to it, Michelle! I certainly won’t be able to tear into this film the way she did, but I may have seen some of the same things.

Hmm…have no idea why that came to mind.

The movie begins as Paige Summerlind (Candace Cameron Bure) is arriving at LAX to fly out to New York to be with her fiancee. But first we find out that Paige writes for Radiant Bride magazine.

I was so convinced that shot was from Before You Say ‘I Do’, but looking at promo pics and the film itself turned up no results. I’m sorry.

Anyways, you see those hands? Those belong to a very smart lady. You see, Paige spotted her magazine being held by this lady, and immediately tried to push it on her. She even gave her the money to pay for the magazine.

The lady put the magazine back and pocketed the money. I love her!

Now we are introduced to Frank (David Lewis) and Maxine (Sarah Strange). You know it never fails. No matter how many screenshots I take throughout the movie, I will always end up with the worst possible shot, but it will be the one I need. Oh, and on this film, I took 2,738 screenshots.

Next we are introduced to Dylan played by Paul Greene who I’ve seen play a nurse, event planner, and now a bartender. Well, he might own the bar. I’m not sure. He looks as jazzed to see A Christmas Melody as he is flying home to New York after a four year absence. According to his friend, “the statute of limitations for licking the wounds of a broken heart expired a long time ago.” So he’s off to LAX.

Now Paige makes a bit of a scene at the check-in counter. She thought she was going to have an aisle seat, but she’s going to get stuck with a window seat. Also, she can only bring two things aboard the plane. She checks one of her bags because she must bring her “vision board” onto the plane with her.

So her dream wedding is the current cover of her magazine, and there’s her boyfriend Jack played by…

who is preparing for his role as the wrong guy named Reed in Appetite For Love.

We now cut to Doctor Zhivago 3D…

before cutting inside to meet Jack, then it’s back to the plane all these people are on.

Jack and Paige have to sit next to each other cause Hallmark. He nearly doubles over laughing about her magazine. She defends her “100 proven ways to find your perfect mate.”

Sometimes you do get the right screenshot. I would now put the screenshot of the ridiculous looking eye mask they put her in for the following shots, but let’s move on.

Of course a storm front forces the plane to set down in Buffalo, New York. Now they wait outside for a shuttle.

I’m pretty sure what they did here was tint it blue and CGI in foreground snow. The shuttle takes them to the Buffalo Airport Hotel, which from the exterior made me think of the Overlook Hotel from The Shining (1980). They end up with adjoining rooms again because Hallmark.

Now dialog that left me scratching my head happens. I’ll just say I nearly looked like this when I heard it.

After that, we cut back to house to see that this shot was probably done by a different person.

I think you know how it plays out for Paige and Dylan at this point. They spend more time together. Paige keeps calling Jack. We get another shot of a different house.

They kiss under a sign that says Mistletoe Junction. They wind up at the O Tannenbaum Inn. We see that they simply expanded the black region in the middle of the cellphone screen to cutoff the provider, which in turn cutoff Decline and Accept under those buttons.

She ends up running away from Dylan to Jack. She finds out she doesn’t want to marry Jack. Dylan reunites with his family. They end up together. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing you haven’t seen before, and nothing interesting either.

I want to call special attention to the other plot line running while this is going on. Remember Maxine and Frank? They are the best part of this movie in my opinion. Although, it was a little weird at first. I thought they were just a lovable bickering married couple, but by the time we got to the inn, I realized they were having trouble.

They weren’t even supposed to be sleeping in the same room. Even when they do, they push themselves to the opposite sides of the bed. However, they eventually come around in the end. There’s nothing fancy or overly dramatic about it. They just acknowledge that neither of them are very happy pretending to be bitter at each other. The charade is over, and they go into a house together holding hands having arrived at their destination plotwise and completing their character arcs.

So why did we even need the whole Paige and Dylan storyline? I’m not a big fan of Candace Cameron Bure. She’s okay in the Aurora Teagarden movies cause it’s fun to watch her run around like a crazy person in those films. I do kind of like what I’ve seen Paul Greene do so far. However, I’ve seen Hallmark do the mature couple story, and do it well. I’m thinking Lead With Your Heart here. I think David Lewis and Sarah Strange could have carried this film all by themselves as a seemingly lovable bickering couple who are actually in trouble, but discover they seemed lovable because they do still love each other. If they had fleshed that out to a complete film, then I could have enjoyed this a lot more. As it is, don’t bother.

Oh, and Hallmark, please give Ron Oliver a budget next time. This house thing was ridiculous.

Not to mention the CGI’d in Christmas decorations at the beginning of the film, and other things.

Here’s the songs since they did include them in the credits:

I knew Batman and Superman were rivals, but Batman and The Green Hornet?

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Since we have Batman v Superman coming out this month, I went digging for any more knockoffs I have, and stumbled upon these two videos. Apparently, this was a thing. The first is a television appearance Batman and The Green Hornet made together. The second are actual scenes from an episode of the show. Yes, in the second one you do get to see Bruce Lee beat up Robin. It’s moments like that, which we live for.

Following The Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm #6: A Touch of Grey (2009), Truth or Dare (1994), 57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008), Login (2013)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Well, this one should be short because there really isn’t much to say about these movies other than don’t watch any of them. At least none of them are South Korean this time!

A Touch of Grey (2009, dir. Sandra Feldman & Ian Mah) –

Well, at least the trailer is honest. It shows you four women whining in a room, and that’s exactly what you get. I love how there’s a review on IMDb that calls it a post-Sex and the City film. Wow! That’s high praise there. Not really. I call it what happens when you have four good actresses and no budget to actually film outside of a hotel room so the audience is constantly left wondering why these four women are doing absolutely nothing but ruminating about their lousy lives.

I believe they leave twice and we never see it, but just see them come back. I remember the first leading to the especially annoying girl getting duct taped to a chair for what they say was a “penis foot wrestle.”

The second time I think the annoying girl just leaves for a while before coming back. If you want to hear middle-aged women waste getting together for the first time in a long time instead of actually going out and doing things together, then here you go. Oh, and none of their endless rambling causes any of them to really change either. They are the same as when they arrived.

I particularly enjoyed the part when they bitch about women’s lib. Hey geniuses! Go home, put your foot down, and tell your husband the household duties get divided or you leave. I know it isn’t easy, but I don’t recall this even coming up as a solution. In fact, the lady who put this thing together even rolls over and takes it via a cellphone call at the end of the movie. They really just go on and on ruminating over their problems instead of actually talking about solutions. As I already said, they also don’t bother to go anywhere to help clear their heads so they only get dumber as time goes on. And no, this is not like Jeanne Dielman (1975) where there is a point to all the tedium and boredom so that we understand the final action of the movie. In the case of this movie, that would be the main lady agreeing to pick up groceries on her way home.

It’s not awful, but it really felt like a waste of my time. It’s for people who want to watch four women in a room drink, yack, and complain about taking it up the ass from their husbands, but not actually accomplishing anything in the end.

I’m sorry if I’m especially harsh on this movie, but I’m really sick of these cheap movies that think getting actors in a room, maybe knowing how to shoot them, and having them talk at length equals something meaningful and insightful.

Oh, and for that one person who might want to leave this comment. I am well aware that women tend to bond by sharing secrets/talking and men tend to bond by doing things together. That fact doesn’t make this movie any better.

Edit: Yes, I am aware one of the ladies left her husband and still isn’t happy. This making it seem like there is no way out doesn’t make any difference to the film.

Truth or Dare (1994, dir. François Ozon) – I guess cause the other movie had adults sitting around drinking and doing nothing, then Amazon thought I would want to watch a really short film about some kids playing truth or dare. Basically a few kids play truth or dare and the game leads towards sexual things till all of sudden I guess one of them said a dare that was especially noteworthy cause one of them looks into the camera and the movie ends. Unless you are already a fan of the director who has gone on to do numerous feature films such as Swimming Pool (2003), then don’t bother with this.

57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008, dir. Delphine Kreuter) – Since Truth or Dare looked like an episode of The Kids Of Degrassi Street, but in French and Amazon Prime apparently knew I am transgender, it recommended this piece of French arthouse garbage that is shot like it belongs on public access television in the late 1970s/earlier 1980s with transgender actress Stéphanie Michelini playing a trans woman. It was awful.

Here is the plot. Sort of. The movie is based on the title. The distance created by technology although the filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford to use technology that didn’t make this thing look 35+ years old (or a bad Dogme 95 film). Some girl and a kid in a hospital play an MMORPG. A father likes to broadcast everything that goes on in his home with his wife and family on the Internet. One of the kids in here is estranged from her “father” that is played by Stéphanie Michelini as Nicole. That’s it! The movie frantically jumps around this stuff and never amounts to anything.

I love the reviews on IMDb for this one. One person really saw way more than there is while the other person was actually at the preimere where apparently 80% of the audience got up and left before the lights came up even though the director was their for a Q & A.

Don’t waste your time on this one.

Login or Log In (2013, dir. Ákos Barnóczky) – Yep, just like last time, we end with a Hungarian film. I have very little idea what was going on with this film. It’s all told via webcam chats. There are a few times when you can see both sides at the same time, but it largely cuts back and forth of single shots of the actors. That is if there is even someone there to talk to. I believe sometimes they are just leaving a video message for the other person, but it wasn’t clear to me.

The movie begins with a woman logging into her estranged or ex-husbands video dating account to find a woman with a mask on. This somehow then leads her to find a guy I just refer to as Hungarian Christian Bale.

I don’t know why, but he agrees to help her I guess track down who this woman is. There’s something tying them together and two other people are trying to manipulate both of them. I not only lost the plot, but any interest in this movie quickly. It’s apparently based on Dangerous Liaisons, which I haven’t seen or read. However, the plot summary on IMDb makes it clear it’s just more period piece backstabbing garbage, which is how this movie came across to me.

If you do like Dangerous Liaisons and can put up with the webcam style of storytelling here, then maybe see it. I can’t recommend it to anyone else unless you really want to see Hungarian Bale actually talk and move. This movie isn’t even in IMDb as I write this post. I submitted it though so it will show up eventually.

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Here’s hoping I will be able to recommend at least one of the next four movies in what appears to be a never ending journey. I am up to 54 films now.

Hallmark Review: I Do, I Do, I Do (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I didn’t want to see another movie starring Autumn Reeser right now. I didn’t want to see another movie written by Nancey Silvers right now. However, I haven’t done a Ron Oliver movie in awhile, and he has been nice to me in the past. So let’s talk about I Do, I Do, I Do.

The movie opens up and we meet Jaclyn Palmer (Autumn Reeser) on the right, her sister Kate (Ali Liebert), and Kate’s camera. This time Hallmark is more subtle with the camera. No obvious Nikon camera strap. Also, it’s a Canon camera anyways. Just thought I would point that out for long time Hallmark fans who remember the Nikon product placement scenes from movies like For The Love Of Grace. Oh, and you can easily miss that Kate is her sister. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t tell you till later. Up till then my Dad and I thought they were just old friends. Even the credits of this movie don’t tell you.

Then probably the weirdest way I’ve seen the wrong guy introduced in a Hallmark movie happens. Jaclyn and Kate are in front of a hospital. An ambulance pulls up, someone is wheeled out of the back of it. Then up springs Dr. Peter Lorenzo (Antonio Cupo) from the gurney.

He comes over and proposes to Jaclyn while someone films them. I’m quite sure he arranged to have someone film it. At the very least it winds up on sort of YouTube.

That’s a lot of views! Obviously Dr. Peter Lorenzo is the PewDewPie of doctors. It goes without saying that she accepts his proposal. Now she’s off to some hotel in the woods next to a lake that’s probably in other Hallmark movies. After Autumn does her best shocked look as she pulls up to see a big sign that says “Jaclyn & Peter Forever”, she is greeted by his parents. It’s always a good sign when your mother-in-law to be says this to you.

Jaclyn is introduced to more craziness such as the “Bridal Cabin” and the wedding dress her soon to be Mom wants her to wear. Seeing as Jaclyn doesn’t like her wedding dress and she arrived in a car, she of course proceeds to get on a bike to ride through the woods to get to town.

You got me! My only guess is that since her husband is crazy about health and forces that on Jaclyn too, that she felt she had to use a bike instead of a car. Why she has to go through the woods, I have no idea. Regardless, as she is traveling through the woods she runs into Peter’s brother Max played by Shawn Roberts.

You know, Dexter Durant from Recipe For Love, or Dean if you are a fan of Degrassi: TNG. Since Jaclyn’s sister mentioned earlier that she wishes the two of them could throw caution to the wind like when they were younger, Max jumps off a ledge into the water. You can think of Max as basically the complete opposite of his brother. Oh, and they kiss for reasons. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Let’s move this along now by leaping over some scenes to get to the good stuff.

The next big thing that happens is that Jaclyn wakes up the next day. That day happens to be Valentine’s Day when her wedding is because who gets married on Groundhog Day? Yes, this is one of those movies. People burst into her room to make her up for Peter’s mother’s dream wedding. I think this shot sums up how Jaclyn feels about this.

You may notice that there is a wipe transition in progress in that shot. Director Ron Oliver uses them a bunch in this movie to good effect. George Lucas used them in Star Wars. It’s a good way to maintain a quick pace by giving you no time to mourn the loss of what was onscreen. It just picks you up from one scene and throws you into the next one. He also matches this with how he progressively shortens the days. Groundhog Day (1993) and the Groundhog Day episode of Stargate-SG1 did this too.

The marriage happens, but it’s a little rocky including wine getting spilled on her. That’s when back at the Bridal Cabin, Jaclyn wishes for a do-over, and her proposal video rolls over to 1,000,000 views.

Poor Ron Oliver! His video in upper right hand corner only has 567,983 views. At first I thought they would repeat that the way the clock would turn over in Groundhog Day, but it doesn’t. The equivalent here is the phone next to her bed, which rings with a wake up call.

This time she shows up with heavy eyeshadow and blush. I guess she is trying to maybe get him to not want to marry her. No such luck.

On the next repeat she starts to flip out. I love that they even bring up the possibility that she’s on drugs.

The doctor thinks she might have cold feet. She keeps telling him she’s living the same day over and over. So of course the doctor says he is going to get her tested for drugs. To get away from crazy town, Jaclyn flees with Max to the main set of the movie.

Remember the whole learning how to play the piano thing from Groundhog Day? That’s the kind of things that start to happen as the repeats get shorter and shorter. The first thing is to overcome her fear of the water. She didn’t used to be afraid of the water, but Peter kind of got her scared of taking any risks. Apparently, this included going into the water for her. So over the course of several loops Max takes her further and further into the water.

Once that is done, the next thing on the roster is to finally learning how to dance. Again, this repeats over several days. I have to give credit to whoever was responsible for the continuity on this film for these scenes. Take a look.

Those are from two loops that follow each other. Note that his outfit doesn’t change. It wouldn’t because since he isn’t aware of the time loop, he would be always wearing the same thing. However, since she is aware of the time loop, she wears something different. It’s a nice little detail that also helps to make sure we know another loop has gone by without having to cutaway from the beach.

With that done, learning Italian is next for Jaclyn. The reason for this is that earlier a member of Peter’s family came up to her and just assumed that Max and her were together. However, the whole conversation was in Italian and they lie to her about what she said. She spends several loops learning Italian.

Next is picking out a wedding dress she likes. She even has the wedding she seems to like, but of course Max isn’t convinced. Obviously Max is lord of time because she wakes up once again.

After spending more time with Max, we get the sort of YouTube thing at the start of another time loop.

I guess we know which one of the producers on this movie was the most important seeing as Kevin Leeson’s Seagull video has 996,876 views over Dan Paulson’s 36,995 views. Although, the production coordinator Alison Stephen tops them all with her 2.9 million views.

Anyways, this is when Jaclyn finally decides to stop the loop by saying that she doesn’t want to marry him. Just like in Bridal Wave, it turns out getting married wasn’t really something either of them wanted to do. She seemed to have been swept off her feet and he was kind of under pressure from his Mom. Even Dad chimes in to tell Mom to sit down here. When somebody tells you to sit down with these eyes…

then you sit down.

She and Max fall asleep at the beach. The time loop breaks, and they wake up together. After jumping in the water, they go and get married.

My final thought on this one is that it comes in third out of the four Groundhog Day movies/TV episodes I’ve seen. The first two are Groundhog Day and the Stargate SG-1 episode. However, number four, called Pete’s Christmas, is a huge drop off from this one. I really didn’t like that film. So check out the Stargate SG-1 episode called Window of Opportunity, and this one too. I recommend it.

Here are the songs from the credits: