I’m posting this review of Priest for one reason and one reason only.  That reason is because I love you and I know that times are tough and I don’t want you to waste your money.  Okay, that’s three reasons but they all come back to the main theme which is that I love you.  Though you can’t see it right now, I just gave you a suggestive little wink right after I typed that last sentence. 

(I’m winking even though, from personal experience, I know that whenever I post a critical review, I end up having to deal with a bunch of flack from people who feel I’m being too “negative.”  And let me ask you this: is that any way to treat someone who loves you?)

So, Priest is the latest movie to come out to feature a stoic, cynical hero making his way across an apocalyptic wasteland so that he can defeat a bunch of vampires.  The stoic hero is played by Paul Bettany who I usually kinda lust after and I understand that by doing crap like this and Legion, it frees him up to do things like play Charles Darwin but seriously, Bettany deserves so much better than the material he’s given here.  The evil villain is played by Karl Urban.  We know that Urban is evil because, whenever his vampire followers are killing people on-screen, Urban moves his hands as if he’s conducting an orchestra.  Like Bettany, Urban deserves a lot better than what he’s given to work with here.

Priest, by the way, is being advertised as being a 3D movie.  Actually, it’s just a 2D movie that was converted to 3D after it was filmed because the folks at Screen Gems think that they can trick you into wasting your money simply adding “3D” to the title of a thoroughly bland and uninteresting film.  As well, probably less than 20 minutes of the film was actually converted to 3D.  The rest of the film remains in 2D.  Seriously, if you’re going to be this cheap, you should at least be shameless about it.  Priest, however, is too bland to feel shame in the first place which prevents it from ever being shameless and, ultimately, from being memorable in any way.