So, about a month and a half ago, Arleigh and I had a little disagreement on which commercial deserved the title of Best Freakin’ Commercial Of All Time.  I argued for the cute little Kia commercials featuring the Sockmonkey and the Freaky Red Thing in Vegas.  Arleigh, however, claimed that the title actually belonged to a series of ads featuring a scary football player destroying stuff and selling deodorant.  Okay, that’s fine.  Friends can disagree.  In the end all that matters is that I love Sockmonkey and Sockmonkey loves me and we don’t care what you think.  So there.

However, all throughout that debate, neither one of us mentioned any possible contenders for the worst commercial of all time.  To be honest, there’s probably too many contenders to really pick just one.  However, I definitely have a least favorite and here it is…

Okay, maybe this isn’t the worst commercial of all time.  In fact, in many ways, it’s oddly effective.  However, if it’s not the worst, it’s certainly the most insulting. 

What are my specific objections to this commercial?   Thank you for asking.

1) I don’t care how effective the freaking 3-D was, the story still sucked!  Oh, wait a minute.  That’s my specific objection to Avatar.  Sorry, it’s been a long week.

Okay, let’s try this again.

1) First off, do I really need a car company to tell me what it means to be an American?  Ever since they got their asses bailed out in ’09, American car companies have been producing the most pompous, condescending commercials possible.  Whereas once we just saw footage of people driving too fast, car commercials today just feel like propaganda.  Now, car commercials are narrated somber men going, “You know what America needs?  America needs a comeback.”  No, America doesn’t need a comeback.  You guys just need to get your shit together.  This commercial continues the new tradition of condescending car commercials. 

2) “We have always been a nation of builders…”  Actually, we’ve also been a nation of poets, artists, freethinkers, farmers, atheists, politicians, libertines, and just about every other category under the sun.  I kinda thought that was the whole point.  I mean, is this a car commercial or is it an educational video? 

3) If you’re going to brag about how America is responsible for the Colt Revolver then at least have the balls to actually show a Colt Revolver while you’re doing it.  A bunch of horses races at the Kentucky Downs while a bunch of rich people sit in the stands and cheer has absolutely nothing to do with the Colt Revolver.  The Colt Revolver was not named after a horse, it was named after the man who invented it.  For the most part, horses were imported to America from Asia by way of Europe.  So, just because whoever made this commercial was scared to show a gun, they instead show an image that totally negates the commercial’s message.

4) What’s up with the weird little guy in that radiation suit?  I mean, does he not look like a villainous doctor from some horrific science fiction movie from the early 80s?  Do we really want someone like that working with radioactive material?

5) Yes, I understand the background music is taken from Johnny Cash song and who doesn’t love Johnny Cash?  But the music is still annoyingly repetitive, like the sort of thing that they play to dull your brian during a brainwashing session.

6) “As a people, we tend to do well…”  You know what, Mr. Smug Narrator Man?  As a person, I do well when I’m not building anything at all.  Don’t insult me with all that “as a people…” BS.

7) “The Things We Make, Make Us.”  Seriously, this is the type of empty, collectivist statement that would make George Orwell throw a fit.  Animal Farm much?