Sailor Moon Crystal – Act 7 – Mamoru Chiba!

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Semtex Skittle

This is still event television for everyone, right? Right. I didn’t even need you to answer that, actually. Well, I myself had a slight delay in getting around to Sailor Moon Crystal this week, for which I know there can be no forgiveness. All I can do is move forward, head held high, knowing that my work as the curator of this anime is important to the total of the human race’s accomplishments. That this art cannot, in fact, be discussed enough.

As we left things off last week, Tuxedo Mask had fled into the shadows with Sailor Moon, presumably to take her someplace safe to convalesce after the confrontation with the fearsome Queen Beryl. And as it happens, we now have direct continuity… because here our hero is, waking up at Mamoru’s pad. You all know Mamoru, right guys? The guy who is totally not completely obviously Tuxedo Mask, who Usagi keeps bumping into? He dresses kind of flashily, wears sunglasses a lot… you know the type.

So right away Usagi notices the whole Tuxedo Mask costume lying around and comes to the appropriate conclusion. Glad that’s out of the way by Act 7 this time around. I don’t know how long the truth takes to sink in in the original show… but it was a while.

Cue that title song, fools.

So it turns out that Mamoru has very few memories. Some brief snippets of childhood. That’s about it. Apparently he’s got boku bucks though, which is always handy. He’s searching for the Legendary Silver Crystal because it’s the only clue about his missing memories. From a recurring dream he’s been having about a certain princess. Unfortunately it seems our heroes aren’t quite ready to put any of this all together yet. I’m sure they’ll get there. Usagi leaves, but not before she and Mamoru have another semi-creepy moment. Since it’s their love story, ultimately, I’m going to have to stop giggling at them all the time… but I’m just not there yet. Forgive me, readers, forgive me…

Next we get a couple cuts so swift, I could swear we were watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. In her secret headquarters, Luna is talking to a mysterious figure who is totally not Sailor Venus, but totally is. They’re out of time! There’s no time left! The enemy is coming!

Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom, that enemy is doing things. Incredibly important things. In fact, let’s take a full line break to reflect upon a name that is now being mentioned for the first time:

Queen Metalia

Fans of the original anime may or may not even be familiar with this character, as she did not exist in the English dub, instead replaced by some nebulous energy that Beryl would occasionally consult with, to unclear purpose. Here, things are laid out fairly explicitly. Back in the day, Queen Beryl discovered the Dark Kingdom near the North Pole of Earth. There, she awakened the slumbering Queen Metalia, which led to the downfall of the Moon Kingdom. In the end, Metalia was defeated and sealed by the Sailor Guardians, but now she – the nebulous ‘Great Ruler’ that our Kings (Kings!) are always on about – is back for revenge. With the Legendary Silver Crystal, Metalia will consume Earth, destroy everything, and kill everyone.

Queen Beryl is more of your world rulership kind of gal. She’d actually prefer less annihilation, more domination. Zoisite still seems to be recovering from the beating Sailors Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter dropped on him, but there’s a Silver Crystal to be found, damnit. So get moving.

Word on the street about Sailor Moon is spreading. It doesn’t seem entirely… or at all… benign.

But at school, unaware of all this apparently, Makoto, Ami, and Usagi are having lunch, and Ami has been researching Sailor V. Who is probably totally not Sailor Venus. I mean, she has the Moon Kingdom’s crescent boldly emblazoned on her forehead, which seems like a weird tattoo to get out of coincidence, but otherwise… and then in by far the creepiest thing to happen yet, Umino emerges from the shrubbery, enhanced by all kinds of hilarious anime tactics, you know, to really drive the creepiness home. This guy is a winner. Even Usagi thinks he’s creepy, and she likes everyone! Also his new suspicious plan is to “catch” Sailor Moon. HMMMMMMMMM! That does not seem ominous at all! After the break, even Naru-chan is hunting for Sailor Moon. Everyone is. Everyone. It’s like a creepy Japanese horror movie, only you know, it’s a cartoon for young adults.

Zoisite has turned the entire city into Sailor Moon hunting zombies. I have to be honest, this is a good deal more impressive than anything I ever saw him do in the original anime. The Sailor Guardians transform and roll out to protect Sailor Moon from the harm apparently wished on her by the entire populace, but with little hope of success… but Sailor Moon’s powerful new healing spell also breaks the mind control without trouble! …Oh, and probably draws Zoisite. This time, our friend (King!) from the Dark Kingdom is ready even for the combined attack of the Sailor Guardians, with a sphere of black kick-ass-ness. Fortunately, Tuxedo Mask is there to intervene, not with fancy magicks, but with a devastating right hook! He gets exactly one of those off before Zoisite decides his evil power can probably protect him from amateur boxers too. There’s some mushy stuff… Tuxedo Mask’s true wish… etc. … But what it boils down to is HOLY SHIT THERE’S SAILOR VENUS. I mean. It could be Sailor Venus. Who knows, really? There’s no confirmation. Who knows!?

I learned a lot more about the Sonique Cleansing Brush during this episode than I did about Sailor Venus. I’m willing to admit for now that that’s nobody’s fault, though. Actually, Hulu’s commercials have been somewhat tolerable this week. I’m impressed. Thank god that esurance commercial is out of the rotation. I’m seriously not sure I could have made it through this episode if I had to endure the esurance commercial.

Act 8 is titled Minako – Sailor V! So I think we have some hint of what to expect there… but the preview also hints at the arrival of Kunzite as enemy commander, and possibly some real exploration of the whole past lives and ‘Moon Kingdom’ stuff. We pretty much all know what to expect here, but it’ll be fun anyway. I personally can’t wait! Seriously, though, what happened to Jadeite… and Nephrite? Just hanging around base? Wouldn’t it make sense to pool strength? Ehhh. Best not to ask questions to which I will regret learning the answers. Perhaps they’ll turn up, with a part yet to play, ere the end.

Sailor Moon Crystal – Act 6 – Tuxedo Mask!

Posted on September 21, 2014 by Semtex Skittle

Obviously, being back on a regular schedule of Sailor Moon has reinvigorated me. With a regular schedule returned to me, I find that each day is easier to suffer through, knowing that my long, Sailor Moon Crystal-less nightmare is closer to being over. Act 6, Tuxedo Mask! I think we can all guess on the subject matter here, though it seems frankly unlikely that this single act will resolve the standing mysteries about Tuxedo Mask. To find out, we’ll have to watch together.

Forget not, dear readers, that many peoples of the world still cannot enjoy this show – tremendous as it is! – legally within their own borders. You owe our friends in Canada and other countries at least one mild pang of guilt as you work your way through this fortnight’s offering from Sailor Moon Crystal. And if you are still well pleased at the end, your soul fulfilled and happy, chalk it up not to a lack of empathy, but rather to the fullness of the show.

In a very, very brief pre-credits scene, Luna introduces the Moon Stick. It’s sort of like a stick… with a big crescent moon on top of it. Obviously, all fans will recognize it right away.
Ballin’. Luna explains that it will help against enemies. Okay, that seems reasonable oh and we’re ready to go? Sailor Moon Crystal!

But first, let’s rock out.

A lot of Mamoru in this first segment. First, he wakes up in the middle of the night, full of doubts. Then he bumps into Usagi in the streets once again. Also, apparently he’s been giving press conferences… talking about how the various crimes he has committed were all in search of the Legendary Silver Crystal. Well, I suppose any number of B&E’s can be forgiven if it means keeping the Crystal away from Queen Beryl and the Dark Kingdom, and their mysterious Great Ruler.

Apparently Tuxedo Mask is the talk of the whole town. At school, on the radio, on TV, in the streets… he, and the Legendary Silver Crystal, are all anyone is talking about. Tuxedo Mask hopes that this will reveal a lead for him…

… But in the Dark Kingdom, the European Commander (whatever that means), Zoisite, petitions to replace Nephrite, who was both beaten and badly injured in the last act by Sailor Jupiter. Zoisite has a plan not only to seize the Legendary Silver Crystal, but also that whole general energy-grab thing that the Dark Kingdom is after. Great Ruler, etc., remember?

After closing time at the arcade, the Sailor Guardians discuss the situation. Luna has been doing a great deal of research, but apparently still doesn’t know who the enemy really are. She knows enough that they are trying to awaken some terrible evil from a deep sleep. Oh, and it will be bad if they succeed. In case that wasn’t clear. Their exact identities remain shrouded in mystery, though, and probably not for a hugely significant later reveal or anything like that. For the moment, the only important thing to know remains that the Legendary Silver Crystal is far too dangerous to be allowed to fall into enemy hands. In Luna’s opinion, it could destroy an entire planet if it fell into the hands of evil. I probably don’t need to spell out the ways in which that might be bad for you and me.

We learn a few key phrases here, too: The royal family of the Moon. The princess descended from the Moon. Awakened Sailor Guardians. Hmmm.

Meanwhile, much more importantly, ON TV…. a female anchor who looks suspiciously exactly like Zoisite except with hair pinned up differently… hypnotizes what appears to be every viewer in Tokyo into mindlessly searching everywhere they can think of, all in an effort to locate the Legendary Silver Crystal. Of course, all this pointlessly expendeded worry or whatever, is then absorbed by the Dark Kingdom.

Didn’t I see this commercial for Hanes tagless underwear like two years ago? Is this still some kind of big announcement? At least His Airness isn’t sporting that Hitler ‘stache in this one. Also, Wal-Mart seems to have stuffed a lot of commercials into Hulu’s repertoire. You shouldn’t shop there.

After the break, the Sailor Guardians head down into Luna’s secret base, which seems bizarrely large and also somewhat interdimensional, hanging out beneath a Sailor V machine. Using Luna’s computers, they’re easily able to track the energy being stolen from humans, and the mind control signal, to a TV station. The Sailor Guardians arrive right in time to observe Zoisite beginning to suck his victims dry of their energy. Weirdly, though Luna tells us she still isn’t sure at all about the enemy, she immediately identifies Zoisite by name. Was she there when the Four Kings (Kings!) introduced themselves at the Masquerade? I honestly can’t remember.

Sailor Moon’s own travels are interrupted when she runs into Tuxedo Mask again. He confirms in person that his goal is the Legendary Silver Crystal. But unlike the Sailor Guardians, he has no special powers (how does he keep finding Sailor Moon, then? Huh? HUH!?). Sailor Moon actually has similar concerns; she’s supposed to lead the Pretty Guardians, but she doesn’t have the firepower that her allies do (in perhaps the most stark reversal of the original anime yet, where the other Sailors frequently felt totally inessential), and she obviously feels inadequate to the task.

Speaking of which, on the rooftop of the TV station, Mars, Mercury and Jupiter are attempting to drop the hammer on Zoisite. A repeated assault from the Sailor Guardians seemingly has Zoisite on the ropes, before the shitennou (Kings!) manages to unleash a big counterattack. With the three Pretty Guardians trying to recover their strength on the helicopter pad, a peal of mad laughter besets them. Sailor Mars is awed by the evil energy she suddenly feels. Then, incredibly, Queen Beryl herself descends from the sky, introducing herself, and overwhelming the Sailor Guardians, who know instantly that they are outmatched. We need Sailor Moon!

Sailor Moon’s confidence is shot, but Tuxedo Mask talks her out of her funk. Maybe she doesn’t have the power to generate fire, ice, or lightning, but she is the leader, she has the power to make other people feel good about themselves. Sailor Moon transforms, and joins the fight! Awesome! In spite of her flaws, she is determined to help. She grips the Moon Stick (I wonder what it could fo…. whoa!) Moon Healing Escalation! Those words don’t really make sense in that order at any level! But she does release energy that gives even Queen Beryl a tiny bit of pause. When Sailor Moon attacks, Zoisite leaps in front of the blast and, to be generous, it seems to fuck him up bad. Beryl, to everyone’s amazement, takes her fallen shitennou (Kings!) and bounces.

With Sailor Moon’s energy exhausted, Tuxedo Mask carries her off to recuperate.

As predicted, we didn’t get many answers about Tuxedo Mask this week. But it looks like he rates his own 2-parter, because the next episode looks to be very much about him as well. So far we have only one episode that I would really describe as ‘filler’, because this one had a lot going for it, between Sailor Moon’s soul searching and a flesh-and-blood appearance by the mighty Queen Beryl. I’m still looking for confirmation on the fate of the luckless Jadeite, but maybe that will come in time.

Anyway, this was an action-packed week, and I hope you enjoyed the episode as much as I did. And yes, we’re all dying to see Sailor Venus introduced. I suspect we’ll be waiting a while though. I seem to remember her appearing only about two thirds of the way through the original anime. I don’t know when she first shows up in the manga, because frankly, I’m woefully unprepared for this week’s article. I’ll try to do better in a fortnight.

For now though, let us simply enjoy the warm embrace of Sailor Moon Crystal together, and glide off into the night.

Sailor Moon Crystal – Act 5 – Makoto – Sailor Jupiter!

Posted on September 7, 2014 by Semtex Skittle

It has been a while, my friends. Yes, we were all forced to suffer through a lifeless, Sailor Moon-less week of tedium and sorrow. Yes, I suffered alongside you. The only thing that could settle my heart was peering through the veil and onto the future, where this episode and its boundless promise awaited. Fortunately, it would seem that most of us have survived and come out the other end. Thank God that, at long last, Act 5 of Sailor Moon Crystal has finally arrived (give ye no thanks to Hulu, for they continue to be absorbed by the foul Geico Pig commercials, and have broken faith with the people of Earth).

As is customary, let us begin this week’s celebration of Sailor Moon with a moment of silence for those of us in Canada and other territories who, as of yet, cannot legally drink from the ever-filled chalice of Sailor Moon Crystal. I wish that I were strong enough to stand in solidarity with you, my friends.

But I am weak.

Back to business as usual in Sailor Moon Crystal, this week we look to meet Sailor Jupiter, the fourth Pretty Guardian. During the cold open, Luna, everyone’s favourite Moon Cat, is busy pointing out that Usagi-chan does not pay attention to what’s going on. Usagi is going to argue, but then is nearly run over by a car, only to be knocked aside by another girl, who then wanders off in the rain. However, some bit of that tall brunette remains with Usagi, who stares after her. One cool thing about Usagi is how empathic she seems to be. She can sense special things about people without even meaning to. She’s a very sympathetic character in this treatment, probably more so than how the original anime handled her – well, the Ocean dub anyway.

Now let’s rock out.

Jadeite appears to be out of the picture. I was expecting him to get dramatically slain, or at least banished into crystal or the infinite labyrinth of eternal ice or whatever. But no. Queen Beryl is mad because her team keeps losing. Nephrite has a plan. He’s going to exploit love. I feel like if it were really that easy, Nephrite, someone would have done it already. I mean, I get that you Dark Kingdom guys are like weird robots and you don’t really “get” people, but c’mon.

At school, Usagi and her friends swoon over wedding coverage. Good times all around. Master Expositor and Master Creepy Swirly Eye Dude Umino breaks into their conversation to mention that several men have gone missing while shopping for wedding wear. Let’s put a pin in that, shall we? I feel like we all know how these Sailor Moon stories go by now. More importantly, Usagi once again literally runs in to the mysterious brunette we all know is named Makoto. Umino, Exposition Master tells us that this girl is a new transfer student, that she is rumoured to have superhuman strength, and that she was kicked out of a previous school for fighting.

So she’s probably a good candidate for the X-Men.

Poor Makoto. Nobody wants to hang out with her. People are intimidated by her reputation, and she does seem to stand about six feet tall. We all know that Usagi can only see the best in other people though, right? Of course she sidles her way up to Makoto during lunch. It’s a running gag now when Makoto saves Usagi from her clumsiness right? Because dear ole Makoto barehands a baseball that was about to clock our Pretty Guardian of the Moon in her face, and then throws a pitch I’m fairly certain is illegal back toward the diamond. Time for some exposition! Makoto is a real do-it-yourselfer. She cooks, she made her own purse, and she’s living by herself. Seems rough, for a middle school student, that’s for sure.

Usagi is so nice, that she immediately wins Makoto over. I think we all saw that coming. Of course, Makoto then says the magic word, when she admits to looking for an arcade in town. Booyakasha!

At the arcade, Makoto is a real ace at the ubiquitous Sailor V video game. She also has googly eyes for Usagi’s friend Motoki, who works there. Ami continues to be astonished by Usagi’s ability to make friends. Frankly, I am too. Probably no one ever was so delightful as Usagi. I mean, she’s giving people nicknames now. That’s an entirely new stage of awesome. While wandering around town, of course, the friends end up at the cursed bridal shop. Let me just unstick that pin from earlier real quick. They say there’s a bride-ghost there, and that grooms have gone missing. Mannequins are creepy enough without them coming to life, thank you!

Things go from bad to worse when that selfsame bride mannequin creeps up on poor Motoki and brainwashes him. He goes looking for Makoto! That Nephrite…

Political commercials are boring. I’m pretty unlikely to be swayed by a crazy-slanted 20 second sound byte. I can promise I don’t want to use Geico though, after my 29083048th dose of the Geico Pig. You know I used to think the Geico commercials with the gecko were pretty clever? Yeah. We’re about ten years past that now. Hulu has much to answer for.

Noted pervy weirdo Tuxedo Mask awakens Usagi in the middle of the night and steals away with her through her bedroom window. Luna notices, more or less panics, and calls in the big guns. As I think we’d otherwise hoped, the Sailor Guardians confront the evil mannequin – obviously, Nephrite’s pawn, not a ghost, but a servant of Evil! – but she’s got some tricks. Nephrite shows up to taunt our heroes. Usagi gives a speech about love. Against your expectations, it mostly results in the Sailor Guardians getting owned by green magic…. but also in Makoto judo flipping the mannequin, and standing up for herself.

You go girl. Obviously, it’s about this time that she’s revealed as Sailor Jupiter. Her transformation is notably cool. Lightning is always a fun visual effect, and they do it nicely here, as Makoto becomes the Guardian of Love and Courage, Sailor Jupiter! She immediately summons both a hurricane of apparently-sharp flowers and a bunch of freaking lightning, busting up that stupid mannequin, and leaving Nephrite looking like a fool.

As a coda, Luna gives Sailor Moon a cool new toy, and me an opportunity to see commercials from the other political party. Woooo, senate elections! And a Wal-Mart commercial that makes me feel bad for employees of Wal-Mart. Are they really doing people’s shopping for them now? Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably a lot more fun than the baseline retail experience. I redact my sympathies.

Only a fortnight from now though, our odyssey will continue, with Act VI. It sounds like we’ll finally learn a little bit more about our mysterious possibly-ally… Tuxedo Mask! Well, I’m stoked. Meet me there. We’ll talk about it. We’ll do lunch. It’ll be great. In the meantime, remember your friends who can’t watch, and try not to taunt them with your knowledge of how great this show is.