This 1980 Belgian film is quite possibly the worst film that I’ve ever seen.

That’s something that I have to be careful about saying because there’s always a chance someone is going to say, “Oh my God!  If it’s really that bad, it must be a lot of fun to watch!  I have to track this movie down!”

Well, it’s not that hard to track down Mama Dracula.  It’s been included in countless Mill Creek box sets.  It’s in the public domain so you can probably find it on YouTube.  But seriously, when I say this movie is bad, I don’t mean that it’s so bad that it’s good.  This is not an Ed Wood film.  It’s not even a Herschell Gordon Lewis.  Instead, it’s just a really bad and tedious movie.  How bad is it?  It’s so bad that I originally suspected that maybe Bret Ratner had something to do with it.  That’s how bad it is.

Anyway, I guess I should tell you what the film is about so that way, I can at least say that I’ve reviewed this damn thing.  Professor Van Bloed (Jimmy Schuman) gets an invitation to attend a special conference on blood research.  The conference is being held in a small village in Transylvania and it’s being hosted by Countess Dracula.  And yes, she actually does sign the invitation “Countess Dracula” and no, Professor Van Bloed finds nothing strange about it.

Anyway, it turns out that Countess Dracula is played by Oscar-winner Louise Fletcher.  And yes, she’s a vampire.  But also, she’s the infamous Countess Bathory, who remains young by bathing in the blood of virgins.  But if she’s a vampire, wouldn’t she remain young regardless?  (And, add to that, Louise Fletcher doesn’t look particularly young in this film so you have to wonder how old she was when she first started bathing in blood.)  Countess Dracula also has twin sons and they are vampires with fangs and all that.  Apparently, they don’t have to bathe in blood to stay young.

Anyway (and you end up saying anyway a lot when you watch a film like Mama Dracula), the Dracula Twins run a clothing store called Vamp and, whenever a virgin steps into the changing room, she is promptly kidnapped and whisked away to the castle.  But everyone in the village seems to know what the twins are doing so you have to wonder why they don’t just stop going into the store.

Anyway, it turns out that there’s not many virgins left in the world and the villagers are encouraging their daughters to get laid as soon as possible.  So, Countess Dracula is willing to set Prof. Van Bloed with a special laboratory so that he can … do something.

ANYWAY, after about an hour, the film realizes that it’s going to have to end at some point so Prof. Van Bloed ends up falling in love with Nancy Hawaii (Maria Schneider), who I guess is supposed to be a virgin, though the film never seems to be quite sure…

But … yeah, this was an amazingly bad film.  Bleh on you, 1980 filmmakers!

Bleh.  On.  You.