I completely get why this is one Lifetime movie that Lisa hasn’t written about. This is a total mess of crap. I’m going to borrow Lisa’s format she often uses for reviewing Lifetime movies because otherwise this would probably just be reduced to a string of expletives.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I was too stupid to listen to the slew of negative reviews on IMDb. Instead, I was intrigued and managed to find a copy of this thing.

What Was It About?

I can tell you what it was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about a teenage boy who gets addicted to porn. In reality, I think it’s about how seeing big breasts means you will become addicted to energy drinks and you will go insane when you go through puberty and never masturbate.

The movie begins with a kid who has been beaten up jumping into a pool. Cut to three months prior and the kid is swimming in a meet. In no time, this kid is introduced to porn and since his girlfriend wants to remain a virgin, he gets hooked. He also just gets hooked on energy drinks at the same time. Because it’s nearly impossible to look at porn without massive amounts of caffeine in you. Honestly, I think they put that in the movie so they would have even more of a reason for why his swimming and school work suffers.

His Mom (Kelly Lynch) spots the porn because this kid is too stupid to close his door. He’s dumb enough to not shut his door, but later he suddenly becomes smart enough to hack through the library firewall to look at porn. HA!. Later he introduces his younger brother to porn.

Now, when I say he’s addicted to porn, it’s a little more complicated. Sometimes it’s just plain porn like this.

But a lot of the time it’s this girl named Monica who apparently goes to school with him. There is so little information about her that all I can say is that she is supposed to be a senior. Honestly, I’m quite sure they never even tell us why she puts herself out there like that. No money seems to come her way. At least the girls on Degrassi: TNG set up a business.

The film plays out like the kid has a drug problem. You’ve seen those films a million times so you know how it plays out. There’s really only two things left to talk about.

First, this bizarre scene where he is surrounded by women in the water.

Second, the ending of the movie. I hate to use the word slut, but I honestly don’t know of any other way to describe how they portray Monica. She actually meets with him at a restaurant, moves to the other side of the booth, grabs his hand and puts it on her breast. No explanation whatsoever except she seems to be super horny. It’s really weird. Now the ending. He appears to get beat up by the boyfriend of Monica because she’s a slut, then he jumps in the pool, and is suddenly cured of his porn addiction. This movie is more of a mess than Nukie.

What Worked?

Nothing. Okay, it did get the bit right about how porn sites would generate a seemingly endless amount of popups. I really think that’s it.

What Did Not Work?

Everything else.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have also looked at porn on the Internet. But I was never dumb enough to do it when my parents could easily see it. It’s no wonder his parents say that swimming is the only way he’s going to college. It’s not money. They know their son rivals Bill Pullman’s character in Ruthless People (1986).

Lessons Learned

If someone tells you there is a Lifetime movie worse than this, then avoid it because your life may depend on it. Honestly, I have not watched a movie this bad since Ricky 1 (1988). Up to now I have only referred to it as the movie that shall not be named, but this is on par with it so I have no choice. That means it’s horrifyingly bad.