My Comcast connection is on the fritz so I am unable to get screenshots of these Hallmark movies for the time being. Or at least with this movie. That didn’t stop me for close to 100 reviews of Hallmark movies and there’s no need to show you anything from this awful thing.

A Country Wedding is about a guy named Bradley (Jesse Metcalfe). He’s a country musician. He’s going to get married to an actress who looks like she was attacked by a bottle of peroxide. Then there’s this lady who runs kind of a vet/ranch back where he grew up. She’s named Sarah (Autumn Reeser). She sees him on TV and decides to write him a letter. Apparently, when they were kids, they had a fake wedding. He gets the letter and decides to pay a visit since he needs to go back to his hometown anyways to dispose of his childhood home.

What we get when he arrives there is one of the most stock sleepwalking stereotype spewing bullshit Hallmark romances I have ever seen. Either it’s in the way they act or they come right out and say something stupid. It’s like when you hear someone who doesn’t let the fact that they really know nothing about film stop them from trashing it simply because they love books.

But this movie doesn’t stop there. It keeps cutting back to the peroxide lady just to remind us of how stupid they think we are by making her and everyone around her as empty, vapid, and dumb as they can. There’s one scene in particular with this ridiculously tall cake. You see it and immediately make the joke about “couldn’t it be taller” because you are making fun of the fact that they actually put it in the movie. But then the movie has one of the characters say that same line and mean it. That’s how dumb they think you are. This movie makes all sorts of unfounded assumptions about people who live in the city and are rich as well as people who live in rural communities and aren’t rich. They both come across as idiots because in this movie, if you live in a rural community, you are a backwards hick. And if you are rich and live in the city, then you are a rich city hick.

I need to wind this down because the more I think about it, the angrier I get. However, there is one more thing to mention. There’s a scene with Bradley and Sarah at a campfire. She makes some comment about his pristine white cowboy hat. He says it was picked out for him by his manager. She takes it and dirties it up to make it more like something a real cowboy would wear. In other words, she takes that hat and imbues it with meaning about their relationship in a scene that is supposed to be a nice honest moment between them. But then near the end of the film he throws that hat away into oblivion to represent finally breaking ties with his city life. Oops! Forgot you changed the meaning of that hat didn’t you?

Oh, and I guess I need to have this one final complaint. It’s a small one, but it just goes to show how ignorant they expect their audience to be. Sarah makes a comment about his Italian cowboy boots. She says, “they got cowboys in Italy?” Can you think of any other country outside of the United States that is more associated with cowboys in popular culture outside of the United States other than Italy? I’m not stupid enough to believe that this vet who lives in the country is that ignorant. And that’s just one in a long string of snide redneck insults she hurls his way. Not that his character is any better mind you. Nobody comes out looking good in this movie.

When I get this angry about a movie I really want to encourage people to see it and make up their own minds. I did have it embedded here at the time of posting, but this isn’t a Hallmark movie that looks like it’s going to disappear from their lineup anytime soon and it was taken down quickly. So I removed it. If you want to, then catch it the next time it’s on and make up your own mind.