Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Even by Malibu CA standards, this week’s episode is incredibly stupid.

Episode 2.3 “Aloha”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

Peter can’t figure out why no one is coming to his restaurant.

Gee, Peter, maybe it’s because your idiot sons work there and are constantly screwing everything up.  Maybe it’s because your only waitress is constantly complaining about everything in the most overdramatic way possible.  (Seriously, after only three episodes, Lisa — the Malibu CA character, not me! — is perhaps the most annoying human being ever.)  Maybe that all has something to do with it….

No, actually, it’s because there’s a new restaurant called Aloha, which features the Cocoanuts, a group of girls who wear bikinis and dance while the patrons are eating.  I can’t imagine anyone going to this restaurant on a date but apparently, all of the single men on the beach love it.  Murray has eaten at the restaurant 21 times in a row!  Jason and Scott go down to Aloha with their father and Jason immediately starts dancing with the girls.  Peter accuses both Jason and Murray of betraying him.

It’s easy to laugh at Peter’s misfortune, especially since it’s his own damn fault for being a terrible business owner.  But when he announces that he might lose the restaurant because he stupidly took out a loan, Jason and Scott bully Murray into using his trust fund to invest in The Lighthouse.  Co-owner Murray wants to have a pirate night.  “Arggh!” Peter says.

Anyway, Jason and Scott eventually bully Murray into applying to be one of the Cocoanuts and after Murray is hired, everyone stops going to Aloha and they return to the Lighthouse because there are only two restaurants in Malibu.  Myself, I’m wondering how exactly Murray got hired.  On the show, it’s suggested that Murray was hired because, otherwise, he would have sued the owner of Aloha for sex discrimination.  That’s not exactly how that law works, though.  Even if the owner did hire Murray to work at Aloha, he wouldn’t be required to make Murray one of the dancers.  He could have just used Murray as a waiter or dishwasher or …. WAIT ON MINUTE!  Murray already has a job!  Just two episodes ago, he was working at The Lighthouse!  What the Hell!?

There’s an equally stupid B-plot.  Traycee wants to date the guy who changes out the coke machine on the beach.  He’s not into flashy celebrities who Traycee works a dark wig and glasses and pretends to be a librarian.  It all seems to be working until he sees Traycee in a bikini and realizes that she’s not actually a librarian …. WHAT!?  Why would Traycee, whose entire life is about being famous, like this guy in the first place?  And why are Lisa (the character, not me!) and Stads still on the show when its obvious that the show really doesn’t have anything for either of them to do?  It would perhaps help if Lisa and Stads didn’t both have exactly the same killjoy personality.  Anyway, Traycee ends up single again but she lands on the cover of Soap Opera Digest.

God, this show was stupid.