“Child marriage must go!”

— Miss Carol (Diana Durrell) in Child Bride (1938)

Oh my God!

Listen, I have never made a secret about the fact that I love low-budget exploitation films but watching the 1938 film Child Bride was seriously one of the ickiest experiences of my life.  This is one of those films that, after you watch it, you have to take a long shower to try to wash it off of you.  This is the type of film that will inspire you to lock your door and sit in a corner with a long kitchen knife for protection.  The film’s poster describes it as being a “throbbing drama of shackled youth” but I would be scared of anyone who came out of Child Bride throbbing.

Child Bride claims to take place in Ozarks but, from the minute you see all of the Eucalyptus trees and hear all the bad accents, you know that this film is about as Californian as a film can be.  Miss Carol (Diana Durrell) grew up in the backwoods and now she’s returned so she can serve as the teacher in a tiny, one-room schoolhouse.  Upon her arrival, Miss Carol is viewed by suspicion by the townspeople.  They distrust her refined ways and, even worse, she keeps saying how she’s going to get the state to pass a law banning underage marriage.  There won’t be any more child brides!

So, of course, the townspeople decide to tar and feather her.  Fortunately, Miss Carol is saved by moonshiner Ira (George Humphreys) and his partner in crime, Angelo the Dwarf (Angelo Rossitto).  However, one of the townspeople — the demonic Jake Bolby (Warner Richmond) — has decided that he wants to marry Ira’s 12 year-old daughter, Jennie (Shirley Mills) and he’s not above committing murder to get what he wants.

What makes the film so icky is that Jennie was played by an actual 12 year-old and there’s a length scene where Jennie goes skinny dipping while Jake watches from the bushes.  As you watch, you find yourself wondering whether Child Bride was actually made to appeal to the Jake Bolbys of the world.

(It doesn’t help that Richmond, one of the few professional actors to appear in this film, gives a totally convincing performance.  Kevin Bacon in The Woodsman has got nothing on Warner Richmond…)

That said, as icky as it is, Child Bride is still definitely watchable.  It’s hard not to laugh at the film’s extreme version of the Ozarks.  I’ve never seen so many shacks, overalls, and toothless grins in my life.  Since I have family that lives in that part of the country, it was hard for me not to be amused by the film’s version of country living.  (If you want to know about life in the so-called “backwoods,” see Winter’s Bone.)

Ultimately, Child Bride is so weird that it’s understandable if you want to see it once but just make sure to take a shower afterward.