Tiny Ron | Through the Shattered Lens

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), a true American hero.

Even though Frank is just a Los Angeles cop, he still goes to the Middle East and disrupts a conference of America’s greatest enemies. He beats up Fidel Castro. He knocks out Gadafi and Yasser Arafat. He cleans Gorbachev’s head. (“I knew it!” he says as the birthmark disappears.) He takes out Idi Amin and he sends the Ayatollah Khomeini through a window. Thirty-seven years ago, this scene opened The Naked Gun and, after all that time, it is still funny because Leslie Nielsen plays it all with a straight face, delivering his silly lines without flinching. It’s also interesting that none of the leaders taken down by Frank Drebin are around anymore. Khomeini died just a few months after this film came out. Gorbachev was the last to go, in 2022, by which time he was no longer an enemy. Consider it the Frank Drebin Effect. He’s making the world safe for democracy.

When Drebin returns to Los Angeles, he’s informed by Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) that Police Squad has been put in charge of security for a visit from Queen Elizabeth (Jeanette Charles) and that Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) is in the hospital and suspected of being a dirty cop. The Mayor (Nancy Marchand) doesn’t want Los Angeles to be embarrassed by a police scandal before the Queen arrives so Drebin has 24 hours to exonerate Nordberg. Drebin’s attempt to clear Nordberg’s name leads him to a shipping magnate (Ricardo Montalban) who has come up with a diabolical scheme to assassinate the Queen at a baseball game. It also leads to love between Drebin and Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley).

Though Liam Neeson did a fine job in the recent reboot, there really is only one Frank Drebin and his name is Leslie Nielsen. The original Naked Gun is nearly 40 years old and, even if some of the jokes are dated, it’s still laugh out loud funny. Most of the credit has to go to Leslie Nielsen and ability to deliver even the most bizarre bits of dialogue with natural authority, gravitas and a straight face. Whether he’s mumbling his way through the National Anthem, paying an informer for information, or hamming it up as an umpire, Nielsen is never less than hilarious. By the end of the movie, it’s impossible to look at Nielsen without laughing. Kennedy, Presely, and Montalban also generate their share of laughs. John Houseman has a great cameo as an unflappable driving instructor. (“Now, extend your middle finger.”) As for OJ Simpson, he doesn’t seem to be in on the joke like the rest of the cast but he does frequently get injured and re-injured throughout the movie and there’s definitely some pleasure to be found in that.

(When Simpson died, director David Zucker said, “His acting was a lot like his murdering: He got away with it, but no one believed him.” That sounds about right.)

Liam Neeson made for a fine Frank Drebin, Jr. I hope he has many more adventures. But the greatest Frank Drebin will always be Leslie Nielsen and the original Naked Gun will always be one of my favorite comedies. Sometimes, it’s good just to laugh.

Thank you, David Zuker.

Thank you, Jerry Zucker.

Thank you, Jim Abrahams.

And most of all, thank you, Leslie Nielsen.

7hrs_to_judgement-frnt When I saw that Erin has picked Judge Not My Sins for her artwork of the day, I was reminded of Seven Hours to Judgment, a movie that used to occasionally show up on HBO.

David Reardon (Ron Liebman) owns an electronics store and is professionally known as “Crazy Dave.” When three gang members, led by Chino (Reggie Johnson), are arrested for pushing Dave’s wife off of a subway platform, it looks like the legal system might let them go. Because Dave’s wife is in a coma, she cannot testify that they pushed her. However, Dave has tracked down a witness who saw what Chino did. But the witness is not immediately available to testify. Dave begs Judge John Eden (Beau Bridges) for an extension but the judge is one of those bleeding heart, by-the-book types. Even though he believes Chino to be guilty, Judge Eden dismisses the case. At the same time, Dave’s wife dies and Crazy Dave starts to live up to his nickname.

With the help of one of his employees, the hulking and child-like Ira (Tiny Ron), Dave kidnaps both Judge Eden and his wife (Julianne Phillips). Dave tells Judge Eden that he has seven hours to track down the witness and get the evidence that would have convicted Chino. If Eden doesn’t find the evidence, his wife will be blown up. Judge Eden is dumped in the worst part of town, without any money, identification, or credit cards. Dave tells him, “You helped create these streets!”

The rest of the movie is Eden running through the mean streets of wherever the movie is supposed to be taking place. (It was filmed in Seattle but the city is never specifically named.) Everyone who meets Eden tries to beat him up, which is one way to put a judge who is soft on crime in his place. The only person who doesn’t beat up Eden is a homeless woman who licks his face. Soon, Eden even has Chino after him. The normally laid back and affable Beau Bridges isn’t usually thought of as being an action star and this movie shows why. Judge Eden is such a wuss of a hero that it seems appropriate that he eventually has to hitch a ride in the back of a garbage truck.

Along with the miscasting of Beau Bridges, the other major problem with Seven Hours to Judgment is that it requires us to believe that Dave, even if he is “crazy,” could come up with such an intricate and elaborate plan and set it all up within just a few hours of his wife dying and Chino being released. “Smug liberal get mugged by reality” was a successful theme for many low-budget action films in the 1980s but Seven Hours to Judgment is ultimately just as dumb and implausible as it sounds.

Seven Hours to Judgment was a reunion for Leibman and Bridges, who previously co-starred in an excellent and overlooked road movie called Your Three Minutes Are Up. For some reason, Beau Bridges also directed Seven Hours to Judgment.