Tag Archives: SyFy

What Lisa Marie and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #78: Battledogs (dir by Alexander Yellen)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Saturday night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie, Battledogs.  (Also watching was a mentally unstable moron from Buffalo, NY named Michael Conklin.  But more about him later…)

Battledogs

Why Were We Watching It?

Because we’re snarkalecs and that’s what snarkalecs do.

What Was It About?

Donna Voorhees (Ariana Richards) is a nature photographers who visits our friend to the north and gets bitten by a Canadian lycanthrope.  When she returns to New York, she ends up transforming into a werewolf  herself and manages to kill nearly everyone at JFK Airport.  Everyone that she doesn’t kill is infected with the werewolf virus.

Donna and the rest of the infected are captured by the military.  Under the watch of the sinister Lt. Gen. Monning (Dennis Haysbert), the infected are doped up with tranquilizers and left to aimlessly wander around a prison.  With the help of a sympathetic major (Craig Sheffer) and a scientist (Kate Vernon), Donna and the rest of the infected escape the prison and soon New York is overrun by werewolves.

Meanwhile, the U.S. President (Bill Duke) spends a lot of time sitting out in the middle of Central Park and looking depressed…

What Worked?

Battledogs was produced by the Asylum.  As soon as I saw the words “The Asylum Presents…” at the beginning of the opening credits, I knew that Battledogs was going to be a lot of fun.

Battledogs was surprisingly well-cast.  While Craig Sheffer made for a dull hero, Dennis Haysbert was a great villain.  Admittedly, he was one of those villains who spent the whole movie talking about his plans as opposed to actually carrying them out but, fortunately. Haysbert has a great voice.  Haysbert turned Lt. Gen. Monning into a genuinely menacing character.

The scenes in which the tranquilized infected wander about in a daze had a nicely surreal feel to them.  While watching them, I actually compared them to a similar scene from Jean Rollin’s Night of the Hunted.  That’s probably going a bit too far but still, they were handled very well.

On a final note, Bill Duke plays perhaps the most ineffectual president in the history of ineffectual presidents.  Speaking as someone who has little faith in governmental authority, I found Duke’s performance to be the most realistic part of the film.

What Did Not Work?

Oh, I suppose there are things I could complain about.  I could point out that the film may have been set in New York but it was obviously (and I do mean obviously) filmed in Canada.  (Actually, no, it was not!  As Mike Conklin so politely points out in the comments below, Battledogs was filmed in Buffalo and yes, a look at the imdb does confirm that this film — despite seeming very Canadian, was indeed filmed in New York.  I apologize for the careless error. — LMB)   There were also a few plot holes that I could talk about if I felt like being nit-picky.

But you know what?

There is nobody worse than someone who would actually get nit-picky about an Asylum film.  Asylum Films are made for audiences who have a sense of humor and their “flaws” are ultimately a very intentional part of the fun.  The Asylum makes fast-paced, unpretentious films for people who want to be entertained for 90 minutes.  You know what you’re going to get when you see “The Asylum” name and, unlike most major studio films, Asylum films can be counted on to deliver exactly what they promise.  This film promised battle dogs and it delivered.

Therefore, the entire film worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

To be honest, despite featuring not one but two female leads, Battledogs was a pretty masculine film.  The emphasis was definitely on people either shooting guns or beating each other up.  That’s not necessarily a criticism because, if New York was overrun by werewolves, I imagine there was be a certain amount of societal breakdown.  However, the fact of the matter is that I’m scared of guns and the only fights I’ve ever been in have involved a lot of hair-pulling and little else.  As a result, there really weren’t any “Oh my God!  Just like me!” moments in Battledogs.

That said, Ariana Richards’ character reminded me of my sister, the Dazzling Erin, because they’re both talented photographers.

Lessons Learned

Apparently, the best way to avoid being killed in a nuclear blast is to jump into the Hudson River right when the bomb goes off.  In today’s unpredictable world, that’s a good thing to know.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Tonight #75: Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo (dir. by Terry Ingram)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, the Snarkalecs and I watched the latest SyFy original film — Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

Why Were We Watching It?

It’s a little known fact but several of the Snarkalecs — including me — are either from or live in the great state of Texas.  So, seriously — how could we not watch a SyFy film that takes place in San Antonio?

As well, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is just a brilliant title!  Of course, with a great title comes great responsibility…

What Was It About?

It’s Cinco De Mayo in San Antonio and you know what the means!  That’s right — thousands of chupacabras are coming across the border and killing all that they see.  Can DEA agent Carlos (played by Erik Estrada) save both his children and the city of San Antonio?  Carlos and a private army made up of bored DEA agents and gangbangers (who, we’re told, are “down for the hood”) end up locking themselves in the Alamo and making a last stand against the forces of goat sucking evil.

What Worked?

Like the best original SyFy films, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is the epitome of the type of film that’s fun to watch with a group of friends.  The acting is over-the-top, the chupacabras are cute, and even the scenes were Estrada is obviously just sitting on a motorcycle in front of a green screen have an odd charm to them.  The film had a definite telenovela feel to it and that’s always a good thing.

Even though the majority of the film was obviously shot somewhere other than San Antonio (I’m guessing Canada), I still enjoyed seeing stock footage of the Riverwalk.

(Seriously, I love the Riverwalk!  While I’ve never lived in San Antonio, I’ve visited enough times that I have a lot of very good and very romantic memories of walking along the river.)

Finally, on a personal note, I have to say that the Snarkalecs were on fire tonight!  Within fifteen minutes of the film starting, we had made it a trending topic on twitter.  Some of the funniest tweets I have ever read were the result of us watching Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

What Did Not Work?

If any film called for Danny Trejo cameo, it was this one.  Unfortunately, Trejo was nowhere to be seen.  Maybe he’ll show up for the sequel…

 It took about 90 minutes for Estrada and his private army to reach the Alamo and when they did, it turned out to be a totally fake Alamo.  In all fairness, I can not imagine any circumstances that would have led to the Daughters of the Texas Republic agreeing to allow this film to be shot within the Alamo but, speaking as a Texan, I was disappointed at just how poorly this faux Alamo compared to the real thing.

(Also, unlike the rather flamboyant tour guide featured in this film, an actual Alamo tour guide would never wear a gigantic coonskin cap.)

On a related note, as much as I appreciated the fact that the film featured the Riverwalk, it was still hard not to feel that the filmmakers essentially shot about 5 minutes of footage in San Antonio before then going up to Canada to finish the rest of the film.  As a result, the film featured a lot of people saying, “Remember the Alamo!” and random things in Spanish but ultimately, it did not feel like a Texas film at all.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Like the characters in this film, I’m down for my hood.

Lessons Learned

I need to revisit San Antonio sometime soon.

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo - 2013

What Lisa And The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #73: Flying Monkeys (dir by Robert Grasmere)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched a SyFy original movie called Flying Monkeys.

Flying Monkeys

Why Were We Watching It?

Because that’s what we do!  Every Saturday night, the Snarkalecs get on twitter and watch a SyFy movie together.  Add to that, the minute that we saw that the film was called Flying Monkeys, we knew we had to watch it and try to come up with as many bad monkey pun as possible.

What Was It About?

It all takes place in the little town of Gale, Kansas.  (Named, I assume, after Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz.)  Joan (Maika Monroe) is upset because her dad is late to her high school graduation.  So, Dad says sorry by buying her a pet monkey.  He’s a cute little monkey and Joan names him Skippy.

What Joan and her Dad don’t realize is that Skippy is a demon monkey and, whenever the sun goes down, he sprouts wings, flies around the town, and kills people.  Even worse, it turns out that every time somebody shoots Skippy, this causes Skippy to reproduce and multiply.  Since everyone in the town of Gale shoots Skippy at least once or twice, there are soon hundreds of killer flying monkeys all over the place.

Luckily, two demon hunters from China manage to get to Kansas in record time but then … well, let’s just say that, as far as demon hunting is concerned, they were both definitely overrated.

What Worked?

As far as I’m concerned, almost the entire film worked.  Seriously, how can you not enjoy something this ludicrous?  The makers of Flying Monkeys knew exactly what they were doing and it looks like they had a good time doing it.

Plus, Skippy was so cute!

Seriously, how can you not love a film featuring a killer named Skippy?

What Did Not Work?

The film spent a lot of time building up these two demon hunters from China but, once they showed up, they both turned out to be pretty useless.  I understand that was probably the point but still, it felt like the only reason they existed was to pad out the film’s running time.

“OH MY GOD!  Just like me!” Moments

Towards the end of the film, Skippy attempts to attack Sonya (Electa Avellan, best known for being one of the Babysitter Twins in Grindhouse) in the shower and Sonya reacts by literally running all the way to the other side of town while clad only in a towel.  At the time, we all pointed out how gratuitous this whole scene was.

After the movie ended, I took a nice, long, relaxing shower.  It was only after I had stepped out of the shower and turned off the water that I realized 1)  just how hard it was raining outside and 2) that I couldn’t remember if my car windows were open.

The idea of my car getting flooded so panicked me that, despite being clad in only a towel, I ran outside to make sure my windows were up.  Long story short, my windows were closed, I got even more wet, and I learned that, sometimes, you just have to go outside wearing a towel.

Lessons Learned

Don’t mess with Skippy.

What Lisa Marie and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #71: End of the World (dir by Steven R. Monroe)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie, End of the World.  For the next two hours, we literally dominated twitter as we shared our mutual, nearly obsessive love for this film.  Soon, #EndOfTheWorld was a trending topic and, I’m happy to say, that ended up freaking out a lot of paranoid people who weren’t watching SyFy.

All in all, it was a pretty good night.

End of the WorldWhy Were We Watching It?

Because that’s what the Snarkalecs do.  We watch movies on SyFy and we usually get all snarky about them.  However, it was difficult to be snarky about End of the World because the people who made End of The World were obviously very snarky themselves.

What Was It About?

The world’s being bombarded by chunks of electromagnetic space debris.  Or something like that.  Really, the important thing to know is that the world’s about to end and it’s up to two video store clerks (played by two titans of nerdy adorability, Greg Grunberg and Neil Grayston) to save it.  Their solution involves breaking a sci-fi writer named Doc Brown (Brad Dourif) out of a mental asylum and Greg Grunberg working on a nuclear missile with a power drill.

However, to be honest, the plot is just a distraction.  The storyline is mostly used as an excuse to make clever references to nearly ever science fiction movie ever made.  Some of the references are obvious and some of them are a bit more subtle but, ultimately, they are what this movie is truly about.

What Worked?

It all worked.

Seriously, End of the World is the best film that I’ve ever seen on SyFy.  It was a film that was obviously made by genre fans for genre fans and, as a result, it felt like a belated Valentine’s Day present from the SyFy network to its viewers.

As I previously mentioned, the entire film is basically a collection of references and homages to other science fiction films.  While this is a technique that I’ve found cloying when used by other films, End of the World struck exactly the right tone.  The references were appreciative without over going overboard and, even more importantly, they were cleverly deployed throughout the film.   They moved the film forward and seemed to grow organically out of the action onscreen.  As a result, even with all the references, the film itself never felt heavy-handed.

Greg Grunberg is one of those great actors who can perfectly sell both comedy and drama.  His talents were on perfect display last night.  Perhaps the best Grunberg line of the night was, “It’s a monologue!  MONO!”

Brad Dourif didn’t have a lot of screentime but seriously, he  was just adorable.

Really, the whole film was just adorable.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just Like me!” Moments

Much like the character of Selena (Caroline Cave), I think Greg Grunberg’s pretty awesome.

Lessons Learned

The geeks shall inherit the Earth (but only after the Redheads are finished with it).

What Lisa Marie and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #69: Heebie Jeebies (dir by Thomas L. Callaway)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the world premiere SyFy movie Heebie Jeebies!  And wow — was it ever bad!

Seriously, how bad was Heebie Jeebies?  It’s so bad that I couldn’t even find a trailer for it on YouTube.  It’s as if the universe is trying to convince us that this film does not actually exist.  However, we know what we saw last night.

(As proof, here’s a picture of Michael Badalucco, whose over-the-top  performance as the gold-obsessed Billy Butler was one of the more commented upon aspects of the film.)

Why Were We Watching It?

That’s a question that many of us asked last night.

What Was It About?

Usually, low-budget monster movies on SyFy are a lot of fun but that’s because most low-budget monster movies on SyFy are made by the Asylum.  Unfortunately, Heebie Jeebies was not an Asylum film.

Instead, it’s a film about this monster that comes out of a mine and wanders around attacking people and eating gold.  You read that correctly.  This monster kills people and then eats their gold.   Will the town of Golderton survive?

What Worked?

Nothing.

What Did Not Work?

Everything.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I found myself relating to poor Veronica (Evie Thompson), the younger sister of a character that I named Deputy Dumbass (Robert Belushi).  All Veronica wanted to do was go out and have sex with her boyfriend but instead, she had to spend her entire night listening to her brother talk about how it wasn’t safe to go out just because of a little old monster that happened to be killing people.  Even worse, once she finally did what I would have done and sneaked out of the house, she and her boyfriend (who was kinda fugly, to be honest) ended up getting held hostage by two ex-convicts.

Lessons Learned

Only the Asylum should be allowed to make low-budget monster movies.

What Lisa and The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #67: Abominable Snowman (dir by Marko Makilaasko)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original film, Abominable Snowman.

Why Were We Watching It?

That’s a question that many of us wondered as we sat through this film.  Let’s just say that Abominable Snowman was no Tasmanian Devils.

What Was It About

This one’s just dumb.  Two guys vanish in the Alps and then, 20 year later, one of the guy’s son goes looking for them and then he disappears too.  So, the guy’s sister recruits a bunch of friends and they go looking for him and eventually, they all end up running into two abominable snowmen.  That’s good because, otherwise, the title would have just been stupid.

What Worked?

The abominable snowmen were kinda cute and I found it interesting to observe the way that they seemed to either shrink or grow depending on the narrative demands of the film.

As a result of the nonstop snark from the Snarkalecs, Abominable Snowman was soon a trending topic on twitter and this, of course, led to a lot of non-Snarkalecs popping up and demanding: “Will somebody please tell me why #AbominableSnowman is trending!?”

This led to me replying: “If you’re wondering why #AbominableSnowman is trending, you either don’t live in Seattle or you’re not watching CNN right now.“

Hopefully, that caused some confusion.

What Did Not Work?

The entire freakin’ film.

Allow me to repeat that: The entire freakin’ film did not work.  Seriously.  Not only did the film feature the most unlikable group of characters ever assembled for a SyFy film (even more unlikable than the semester-at-sea students from 2-Headed Shark Attack) but it then proceeded to kill them off in the blandest ways possible.  There was not a single scene or death in Abominable Snowman that would have gotten more than a 1.5 on the Ohno Scale.

For the record, Abominable Snowman was not produced by the Asylum.  If it has been, it probably would have been a lot more fun.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

There was really only one character in the film that I related to.  That would be the local bartender who shows a lot of cleavage and has to deal with a drunk helicopter pilot constantly trying to look down her shirt.  That’s as close as this film got to providing me with an “Oh my god!  Just like me!” moment.

Lessons Learned

I refused to learn anything from Abominable Snowman.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #66: Tasmanian Devils (dir by Zach Lipovsky)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Minor Spoilers)

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie Tasmanian Devils.  Who are the Snarkalecs?  You can find out here.

Why Was I Watching It?

Seriously, yesterday was a weird, weird day.  I don’t even know where to begin.  In between the pervy guys who have been working on the roof of the house across the alley, and the woman in Georgia who keeps accusing me of having an affair with her husband (another long story that you can read all about here), I was seriously ready to just change my name to Diabla, stop washing my hair, stop wearing makeup, and just move to Vermont.

But, through it all, I took the strength for the knowledge that, at 8:00, there would be an original movie on SyFy and that I would be watching it with my friends, the Snarkalecs…

What’s It About?

I’ll tell you what it’s not about.  It’s not about the spinning cartoon character who was always falling off cliffs and having safes dropped on his head.  No, these Tasmanian devils are vicious killers but, at the same time, they’re also kinda cute and adorable in a chupacabra kind of way.

Anyway, Apolo Ohno and a bunch of his friends go to Tasmania. Apolo jumps off of a cliff, has some trouble with his parachute, and ends up plunging into a hidden cave and getting impaled on the world’s biggest stalagmite.  Apolo hangs around for a bit, squirming like a bug and groaning despite the fact that he’s got a gigantic hole in chest.  Seriously, Apolo must be invincible.  Alas, his blood gets the attention of the Tasmanian devils and, in perhaps the defining scene of 2013, Apolo Ohno is literally ripped into little pieces on-screen.

There is a little bit more that happens in the film.  Apolo’s friends end up running into a park ranger played by Danica McKellar and they soon all find themselves being stalked through the wilderness by the Tasmanian devils.  However, for me, the film was pretty much about Apolo Ohno getting literally ripped into little pieces on-screen.

What Worked?

OH MY GOD!  Apolo Ohno was literally ripped into little pieces on-screen!  This led to me framing the term “Ohnotastic” as a way to refer to any spectacular death in a SyFy film.  This eventually led to the creation of the Ohno Scale, which from now on, will be used to judge the effectiveness of SyFy carnage.  Tasmanian Devils will now forever be one of the pivotal films in the history of the Snarkalecs.

(Hopefully, the next two-headed shark film from the Asylum will feature a Michael Phelps cameo.)

Beyond that, Tasmanian Devils was actually a pretty good film.  It was the epitome of a fun movie to watch with friends and director Zach Lipovsky actually managed to generate some genuine suspense.  Even better, both Lipovsky and Danica McKellar dropped by twitter and interacted with the people commenting on the film.  It’s always really nice whenever filmmakers do this.

On a personal note, I enjoyed Tasmanian Devils because it was filmed in Canada, a country that I am strangely obsessed with.  As for the male snarkalecs, they seemed to largely enjoy Tasmanian Devils because of the low-cut top that Danica McKellar’s park ranger was wearing.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked.  Life is too short to be critical of a film called Tasmanian Devils.

“OH MY GOD!  Just like me!” Moments

Insert your own low-cut top/heaving boobs comment here.

Lessons Learned

Apolo Ohno is not invincible.

10 Good Things That Lisa Marie Saw On TV In 2012

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Someday, I want to have my own tv network.  I’ll call it Lisa Marie Television (or LMTV for short) and it’ll be like Lifetime but with the Lisa Marie difference.  What’s the Lisa Marie difference?  Sweetheart, if you have to ask, you’ll never know.  El. Oh. El.

Anyway, as I wait for that day to come, I’m going to continue my series of posts on my favorites of 2012 by telling you about some of the best things that I saw on television over the course of the previous year:

1) SyFy Movies On Saturday

For me, one of the highlights of 2012 has been meeting and getting to know the Snarkalecs on twitter.  Who are the Snarkalecs?  We’re just a group of very witty people who are capable of appreciating films like Two-Headed Shark Attack and Arachnoquake.  Every Saturday night, we watch and live tweet whatever’s playing on the SyFy network.  It’s the perfect way to end the week.  My favorite SyFy film of 2012?  Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

2) The Basic Lupine Urology episode of Community

A great crime has occurred at Greendale Community College.  A yam has been callously destroyed and the study group is going to find out who was responsible and make sure the perpetrator is punished to the full extent of the law.  This spot-on perfect parody of Law and Order was one of the highlights of Community’s third season.  Donald Glover and Danny Pudi were simply adorable playing good cop/bad cop.

3) Joe Manganiello and Alexander Skarsgard on True Blood

The latest season of True Blood may have been uneven but whenever Alexander Skarsgard or Joe Manganiello showed up on-screen, the show was perfect (especially if they happened to be naked at the time).

4) South Park

As always.  This year highlights have included the classic anti-bullying episode and the annual Halloween episode.

5) Survivor: Philippines

The previous season of Survivor was one of the best, featuring truly interesting competitors like Jonathan Penner, Lisa Whelchel, Abi-Marie, and Malcolm.  Perhaps best of all, the season ended with the most deserving survivor winning the million bucks.

6) Clint Eastwood’s Chair Speech

A lot of very snide comments have been made about Eastwood’s speech at the Republican National Convention but, personally, I think it was brilliant political theater.  Even better, his two main points — that the President is essentially an empty suit and the Vice President is a jackass — are looking more and more true with each passing day.

7) The Joe Biden/Paul Ryan Vice Presidential Debate

Speaking of great political theater…. The 2012 Presidential election was dominated by debates but there’s only one that was truly memorable and it was the Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan.  While Paul Ryan talked about disaster in his overly serious grad student way, Joe Biden grinned like an aging serial killer deep in the throes of senility.  This was less a political debate and more a case of performance art.

8) The London Olympics

I loved watching the London Olympics this year and not just because of the Fab Five, either.  The Danny Boyle-directed opening ceremonies were amazing to watch and I had fun going on twitter to ridicule NBC’s hilariously bad coverage of the games.

9) Liz & Dick on Lifetime

Oh, c’mon — it was fun!

10) The Office Made A Comeback…Sorta

After one of the worst seasons in the history of primetime television, The Office has redeemed itself slightly with its current (and final) season.  Even Catherine Tate has become tolerable.

Tomorrow, I’ll continue my look back at the past year with a list of my 10 favorite novels of 2012.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #59: Dead Season (dir by Adam Deyoe)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Okay, I know what you’re going to say.  ”Hey, Bowman, Dead Season was just on the SyFy network a few hours ago.  What’s up with this last night crap?”  Well, it’s true that I did watch Dead Season from 8 to 10 on Saturday night.  It’s also true that,  as I sit here starting this review, it is a few minutes passed midnight.  In other words, it is now Sunday and therefore, I can truthfully say that I watched Dead Season last night.

Seriously, people, work with me here.

Why Was I Watching It?

Tonight, as far as watching a movie on television was concerned, I had two options.  I could have either watched Elf on ABC or I could have watched Dead Season on SyFy.  I ended up going with Dead Season because I’ve already seen Elf a few thousand times and I know that I’ll probably end up watching it again on Christmas Eve with my sisters.  Plus, watching a bad movie on SyFy (and writing about it on twitter while doing so) has become something of a Saturday night tradition for me.

What Was It About?

(Minor Spoilers Below)

Your guess is as good as mine.

Seriously, Dead Season generated a near record number of tweets last night and the majority of those tweets were some variation of “WTF!?”  I somehow managed to pay attention to the entire film and I’m still not 100% sure what I saw.  However, here’s my interpretation of the film’s plot:

The zombie apocalypse has hit.  All across the world, the dead are wandering around and eating people.  The few remaining living humans spend their time listening to vinyl records and talking to each other via short wave radio.  If I sound a little bit confused, that’s because the first few minutes of the film is narrated by a guy who is using one of those radios and appears to be exclusively broadcasting on the static channel.

Elvis (Scott Peat) is a doctor who meets a woman named Tweeter (Marissa Merrill).  Tweeter has a kid with her who might be her son but then again, he might not be.  Actually, it’s probably best just to pretend like the kid isn’t in the film.  That’s what we did on twitter.

Eventually, Elvis and Tweeter set sail on a boat and they end up on some jungle island off of South America.  The jungle is full of zombies but luckily, they come across a compound that’s run by Kurt Conrad (James C. Burns).  Kurt has a collection of soldiers, a small harem of concubines, and a daughter (Corsica Williams) who hasn’t left her room in 10 months.

Kurt welcomes Elvis and Tweeter into the compound.  Tweeter starts to bond with Kurt’s daughter while Elvis discovers that his new job is to be both the camp’s doctor and the camp’s cook.  Apparently, Kurt’s a cannibal and eats other survivors.  Elvis is reluctant to take part but Kurt tells him, “I’ve seen you walk in the darkness.”

Meanwhile, Tweeter comes across a bunch of home movies, which she watches while Elvis and Kurt debate the morality of the zombie apocalypse.

And then some other stuff happens.

Again, your opinion of what happened in the film might differ.

What Worked?

While we were talking about the movie on twitter, my friends and I agreed that absolutely nothing worked.  Seriously.  At one point, #deadseason actually became a trending topic and I felt the need to issue an apology to anyone who might end up watching the film as a result.

That said, with the hindsight the comes from three hours of contemplation, I can now say that — despite the fact that their characters were kinda annoying — both Scott Peat and Marissa Merril did about as well as they could with the material that they were given to work with.

What Did Not Work?

Good Lord, where to begin?

Storywise, the film felt like a total rip-off of The Walking Dead.  However, after doing a little research on the imdb, it appears that this film was actually in production before The Walking Dead even premiered.  That said, it was still impossible to watch the film and not unfavorably compare it to The Walking Dead.  The zombies are even called “walkers” at several points.

Technically, the film is a mess.  This is one of those films where various members of the camera crew make cameo appearances.  Most noticeably, the film has one of the most out-of-control, garbled sound tracks that I’ve ever heard.  One conversation between Kurt and Elvis was literally unintelligible because of the overpowering sound of chirping crickets.

Finally, this is one of those zombie films where people are constantly getting blood splashed all over their clothes but yet they never seem to consider changing outfits.  Seriously, I would hate it if I got blood all over the only shirt I had bothered to bring to the zombie apocalypse.  Tweeter spends the first third of the film in a blood drenched shirt and, despite the fact that she’s on a boat and surrounded by water, it never seems to occur to her to try to wash the blood off.  Honestly, after spending a week in a blood-covered shirt, I’m just going to take it off.  I don’t care who sees my boobs.

Admittedly, I am a bit of a clean freak but surely, I’m not alone in this.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

If there’s one rule that I learned from zombie films and that I live by, it’s that you should always be sure to pack an extra lacy black bra in case of a zombie apocalypse.  Tweeter, as is revealed several times during the film, agrees with me.

Lessons Learned:

I didn’t learn a damn thing.  So there.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #57: Dragon Wasps (dir by Joe Knee)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned on the SyFy Network and, along with about 50 other people on twitter, I watched a little film called Dragon Wasps.

Dragon WaspsWhy Was I Watching It?

The movie was on the SyFy network and it was called Dragon Wasps.  Speaking for myself, I hate and fear wasps but I love dragons and I’ve got several kimonos to prove it.   Seriously, how could I not watch this film?

What Was It About?

A scientist named Gina (Dominika Juillet) goes to Brazil to search for her missing father and manages to convince a group of soldiers led by Corin Nemec to help her look.  This, of course, eventually leads to everyone getting captured by a bunch of drug smugglers led by a guy named Jaguar.  Eventually, about halfway through the film, the Dragon Wasps finally show up and it turns out that the best way to protect yourself from a giant, fire-breathing wasp is to rub cocaine all over your skin.

Oh, and did you know that baby dragon wasps can climb into your ear and make your head explode?  Because they so totally can!

It’s kind of a weird movie.

What Worked?

The dragon wasps were pretty neat and whenever they were buzzing across the screen and breathing fire on the people below, the film worked.

What Did Not Work?

Unfortunately, the dragon wasps only got about 15 minutes of screen time.  The rest of the movie dealt with the Gina and her friend Rhonda wandering through the jungles of Brazil in their Ugg boots and claiming that the best way to repel an insect is to smell like a dead insect.  We were dubious about that claim on twitter so I did a Google search and it turns out that is actually true.  It says a lot of about this film that I originally assumed that it must be false just because I heard about it from Gina and Rhonda.

“OH MY GOD!  Just like me!” Moment

At one point, Corin Nemec orders Gina to steal a lot of explosives from Jaguar’s drug compound.  Gina does so but once they get to the Dragon Wasp Nest, they discover that Gina accidentally grabbed several packets of cocaine.

“It’s not my fault!” Gina exclaims, “C4 and cocaine look exactly alike!”

A lot of people might make fun of this scene but I have a feeling that I would do the exact same thing.

Lessons Learned

C4 and cocaine look exactly alike.