Tag Archives: LMN

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Craigslist Killer (dir. by Stephen Kay)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I was searching through the list of movies saved onto my DVR, I discovered that I had apparently recorded 2011′s The Craigslist Killer off of the Lifetime Movie Network.  So, of course, I immediately curled up on the couch and started to watch it.  After a few minutes, I paused the movie so I could wake up my sister and track down our cat and force them to watch it with me.  Which they did because they love me.  Awwwwwwwww!

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, I think The Craigslist Killer has been on TV like a gazillion times since 2011 and I’ve watched it almost every time.  It’s become a tradition.  Just like some people have to watch Avatar every time it pops up on Cinemax, I have to watch The Craigslist Killer every time it shows up on Lifetime.  And if I have to use my feminine wiles to force other people to watch with me — well, I’m willing to do that.

What’s It About?

 Philip Markoff (Jake McDorman) is this handsome, charming medical student who tells everyone that he’s rich and is just loved by everyone.  But even though he’s a total hottie, he’s got the confidence of nottie.  (Sorry, I came up with that line as a joke a few months ago and I’ve been looking for an excuse to use it ever since.)  So, he deals with his issues by looking at porn online and then eventually murdering a masseuse who he met through an ad that she placed on Craig’s List.  Anyway, he’s not really that good at being a killer so it’s kinda obvious that he’s the one who did it but nobody can believe it because he’s such a charming guy.

One person who definitely doesn’t think that he’s a killer is his fiancée, Megan (Agnes Bruckner).  Megan is busy planning their wedding while, unknown to her, Philip is attacking and killing other women.  Eventually, Megan is confronted by a suspicious homicide investigator (William Baldwin) but she still stubbornly defends Philip.

And, of course, it’s all based on a true story.

What Worked?

Seriously, this is the epitome of a Lifetime movie and it’s also a historically important one.  I can remember being on twitter the night that this movie premiered and literally everyone was planning on watching The Craigslist Killer, even people who normally would never watch Lifetime.  So, for many people, The Craigslist Killer is what they think of when they think of a Lifetime movie: it’s based on a true story, it’s about a beautiful woman who falls in love with a handsome man with a great future, and it’s about how that woman learns that men can’t be trusted.  There’s even a subtle hint, I think, of the possibility of future romance between Megan and the detective played by William Baldwin.  And good for her!  Seriously, after everything she  goes through in this film, she deserves it.

Agnes Bruckner and Jake McDorman both give pretty good performances.  McDorman is totally believable as both a charming med school student and a vicious killer and I liked the way that his performance subtly showed us that there wasn’t much going on behind the character’s perfect smile.

The final few minutes of the movie made me cry.

What Didn’t Work?

I’ve read quite a few comments online from people complaining about William Baldwin’s attempt to do a Boston accent.  Some say it was one of the worst Boston accents in television history.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I certainly know what it’s like to listen to a Yankee butcher your region’s accent.

Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, this was a Lifetime movie and it all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

What girl hasn’t liked the perfect boy who, once he becomes her boyfriend, reveals himself to actually be far less than perfect?  Laugh if you will but the best Lifetime movie tap into universal truths that many people don’t like to admit exist.

Lessons Learned

Even the perfect wedding can be ruined when it turns out the groom is a serial killer.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Deadly Hope (dir. by Nicolas Monette)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I attempted to drift off to sleep, I turned on the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched the Canadian thriller, Deadly Hope.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, it was on the Lifetime Movie Network and that’s always a good sign.  Secondly, how can you not watch something called Deadly Hope?

What Was It About?

So, Joanne (Alana De La Garza) is an obstetrician whose life is turned upside down when her partner at the fertility clinic is murdered by a mysterious assailant.  Joanne deals with her grief by having a one-night stand with a random stranger and soon, that random stranger is also murdered by a mysterious assailant.  Could the two crimes be connected and will the audience notice that all the locations in the film look rather Canadian?  That’s up to Detective Denise Landers (Sandrine Holt) to figure out.

What Worked?

Oh my God, this movie was scary!  Now, I know what you’re doing.  You’re laughing at me because you’re all like, “C’mon, Lisa — it’s a Canadian Lifetime movie!”  Well, all I can say is that you weren’t there.  Okay, the killer doesn’t just strangle or shoot people — instead, he stabs them with this little hypodermic needle that he carries around with him and it just looks like a really painful way to die.  Add to that, the killer just keeps popping up out of nowhere, much like the murderer in Dario Argento’s underrated giallo Opera.

Though she might not be a household name, Sandrine Holt is one of my favorite actresses, mostly because she always seems to be so unimpressed with everything happening around her.

What Did Not Work?

Actually, most of the film didn’t work and it was largely because Joanne was such an unsympathetic character and it didn’t help that quite a few otherwise likable  characters ended up getting killed just because they made the mistake of knowing her.  As played by Alana De La Garza, Joanne seems to be more annoyed by the inconvenience of having to deal with multiple murders than anything else.

Add to that, even by the standards of a Canadian movie, the film’s final twist kinda came out of nowhere.

“Oh My God!  Just like me!” Moments

I’m tempted to say that there were absolutely no “Oh my God!  Just like me!” moments in this film but that’s not quite true.  For instance, Joanne gets annoyed when her annoying neighbor just wanders, unannounced, into her living room and I would have the same reaction.

And, of course, every time Joanne has a one-night stand, it ends in a bloody murder.  That’s nothing like me … or is it?  *Cue ominous music*

Lessons Learned

Not everything made in Canada is as good as Degrassi.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Do No Harm (dir. by Philippe Gagnon)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, once I had watched the new episodes of Survivor and South Park and the series finale of One Tree Hill (yes, it was still on the air), I decided to watch a Lifetime movie before bedtime.  (And by bedtime, I mean time that I spent in bed because I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night.)  Anyway, the movie that I ended up watching was called Do No Harm.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was a Lifetime movie, of course!  As if you had to ask…

As well, Do No Harm is the latest made-for-TV Canadian film to make its American “world premiere” on the Lifetime Movie Network.  At times, it seems like every single film that pops up on Lifetime was sent to us by Canada.  Certainly, the best ones do.  Myself, I love watching these films and spotting the scenes where Montreal is obviously standing in for New York City.  I also enjoy how these films always seem to star a vaguely recognizable American TV star and a bunch of pleasant and polite people who all have French last names.  Proud American that I am, I occasionally fantasize about running off to Canada and Lifetime and Degrassi are to blame…

What Was It About?

So, Emily Edmunds (played by Deanna Russo) is a fashion designer who is engaged to the perfect guy but then, a few days before their wedding, her fiancée goes on a business trip and, a few hours after he leaves, Emily sees a news report about how his plane has crashed and there’s no survivors so Emily decides to kill herself but since there wouldn’t be a movie if she died after the first 15 minutes, Emily is saved and ends up getting checked into a mental hospital where she bonds with her therapist Dr. Thorne (Lauren Holly) but — uh oh! — it turns out that Dr. Thorne has some issues of her own and ends up developing a psychotic obsession on Emily and when Emily is finally all like, “Leave me alone, psycho,” Dr. Thorne responds by kidnapping Emily and then murdering a lot of people with a shotgun, poison, and finally some hit-and-run driving.

Hold on a minute, let me catch my breath.

Did you get all that?

 What Worked?

In the great tradition of low-budget Canadian filmmaking, this movie was ultimately so bad that it was good.  It’s hard not to admire how the filmmakers take a genuinely intriguing premise and then portray it in a way that is so heavy-handed and ludicrous that you can’t help but watch. 

Lauren Holly probably gives the best performance of her career as a caring therapist who, oddly enough, turns out to be a pretty efficient diabolical mastermind.  What I love about films like this is how the villain can go from being sympathetic to creepy to brilliant to remarkable stupid depending on how much time is left in the movie.

I also love how, in these movies, nobody will ever believe that main character even if there’s like a thousand reasons that they should.  Emily’s best friend actually leaves a message in Emily’s voice mail while she’s in the process of being killed by Dr. Thorne and yet not even that is enough to get Thorne arrested.  It reminded me of that episode of South Park where Cartman pretends to be a psychic and gets everyone but the actual serial killer arrested. 

That was a really funny episode, by the way.

What Didn’t Work?

Unfortunately, you really can’t have “so bad it’s good” without the bad.  Then again, this was a Lifetime movie and it kept me entertained so, as far as I’m concerned, it all worked.

“Oh My God!  Just like me!” Moments

Needless to say, I’ve seen a few therapists over the years and every single one of them was obsessed with me.

Or, at least, I always assumed they were. 

In reality, it was always kind of disappointing for me to realize that they had other patients who spent just as much time with them as I did.

Bleh.

Lessons Learned:

I may, in the future, spend a year living in Canada but I’ll never see a Canadian psychiatrist.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: A Friend of the Family (dir. by Stuart Gillard)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

What did I watch last night?  I watched A Friend of the Family, a 2007 film that shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network every couple of weeks.

Why Was I Watching It?

Ennui.

What Was It About?

Well, it’s yet another Canadian true crime, exploitation film that has found a second life on Lifetime.  Newly weds Allison and Darrin (Laura Harris and Erik Johnson) move to a small town in Canada.  Darrin befriends and goes into business with David (Kim Coates) and David is like so obviously a serial killer but Allison is the only one who notices.  And then, when Allison attempts to let people know that David’s the one who has been killing all the blonde waitresses in town, everyone responds by saying that she’s the one who is being silly and emotional!

What Worked

It all worked!  Well, okay, not all of it but enough of it worked that I had fun curling up on the couch and watching it.  Laura Harris was a sympathetic heroine (and she played her character with just a hint of instability so you wondered sometimes if maybe she was just imagining it all), Kim Coates was creepy in that Kim Coates way, and Erik Johnson — Oh. My. God.  So. Cute.

Add to that, I could relate to this film.  Nobody believed me when I said the janitor in high school was a serial killer and I’m still pretty sure I was right about that.

What Didn’t Work?

You know what?  It all worked, as far as I’m concerned.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

There were several, most of them having to do with Alison’s struggle to get people to listen to what she was saying.  Seriously, men need to lean how to shut up and listen when it comes to potential serial killers living next door.

Lessons Learned

The main lesson was the same one that’s taught by most Lifetime movies: If you ever think the guy next door might be obsessed with you and plotting to kill you, take the law in your own hands.  Seriously, all the men in your life are worthless when it comes to these situations. 

 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Haunting of Sorority Row (dir by Bert Kish)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Friday night, after we saw the movie Hanna, a friend Jeff and I returned back to my house and retreated to my bedroom where he eventually fell asleep and I tried to sleep.  Insomnia, however, won out and I ended up watching a Lifetime horror movie called The Haunting on Sorority Row.

Why Was I Watching It?

I couldn’t get to sleep.  Poor me.  So, I turned on the TV, checked out what was on the DVR, and as soon as I saw The Haunting of Sorority Row, I knew what I had to do.  Somehow, I forgot that, regardless of how low I turned down the sound the last time I was watching it, whenever I turn on my TV, the volume is always reset to full blast.  So, as soon as I hit play, the TV literally thundered to life and woke up not only Jeff but probably the rest of the neighborhood as well.

As I frantically turned down the volume, Jeff sat up in bed and asked, “What’s this?”

“It’s a movie,” I said, “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.”

“I bet it’s a horror film,” he said.

“Yeah,” I nodded.  Then I looked over my shoulder, gave him my wicked little smile (well, I like to think of it as being my wicked little smile), and I added, “It’s a Lifetime horror film.”

“Oh,” he replied, sounding much less enthusiastic.

Anyway, The Haunting of Sorority Row put him back to sleep in about five minutes.  Me, I still haven’t slept which is why I’m still sitting here in my beloved Pirates t-shirt while Jeff peacefully sleeps behind me.  Maybe after I finish writing this, I’ll give sleep another chance.

What’s The Movie About?

It’s about a haunting on sorority row.  More specifically, it’s about a really angry ghost who is determined to kill the four sorority sisters who are hiding a secret.  Their ringleader is Leslie who is played by an actress named Lisa Marie Caruk.  And that’s a great name.  Anyway, Blair Waldorf herself, Leighton Meester, is also pledging this haunted sorority and she is determined to set things right.

What Worked?

Oh, this is a Lifetime Movie so everything worked.  I mean, you know what you’re getting with Lifetime and part of the reason why we love Lifetime movies is because they’re all exactly the same.  The perfect Lifetime Movie is the epitome of a stupid movie that can be best enjoyed by intelligent women with a healthy sense of the absurd.  I’d like to think that I qualify on all three of those.

That said, there were a few things that worked even if you decided to ignore the fact that they were found in a Lifetime film.  Not surprisingly, the nearly-all female cast was a lot more likable and their roles were a bit more developed than you’d expect to find in a horror film.  Leighton Meester is probably one of the most underrated actresses working right now and she does a great job playing the film’s “final girl” while Lisa Marie Caruk has a lot of fun playing the bullying head of the Sorority.

Another thing that worked here was the great pleasure that I got out of imagining how many of you guys rented this film thinking it was a typical, Dead Women In Lingerie Slasher Film just to discover that it was instead a Lifetime movie.

What Didn’t Work?

This film works pretty well as a Lifetime movie but it totally sucks as a horror film. A lot of this is due to the fact that this is a TV movie which pretty much means that it can’t really show anything that would scare us. 

As often happens in Lifetime movies, the main character’s boyfriend is a eunuch.  In this one, we’re asked to believe that an 18 year-old boy would refuse to have premarital sex with Leighton Meester.  Yeah, right.  Because boys have so much self-control…

Finally, this is another one of those films that suffers from having a final twist that’s so obvious that most viewers will figure it out before the movie even begins.  Yes, it’s that obvious.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

There’s a scene in which one of the unfortunately sorority sisters ends up getting trapped in the shower and scalded to death by hot water.  This is scene vaguely disturbed me because 1) I’m claustrophobic, 2) I have a fear of scalding water, and 3) I’ve actually managed to get trapped in a shower before and I had to scream and scream until someone heard me, ran into the bathroom, and told me that I needed to pull (as opposed to pushing) the shower door in order to open it.  Of course, my hands and arms were too busy trying to cover up me for me to take his advice on the door.  So, I said. “Thank you. sir,” and then waited until he left.

Otherwise, it was hard for me to relate to this film because I never pledged nor did I ever want to pledge a sorority in college.  I was actually invited to do so by one of them but, at the time, I said, “No, that’s way too bourgeois  for me.” 

“Bourgeois?” she replied, confused.

Lessons Learned 

I definitely did the right thing by never joining a sorority. 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Wall of Secrets (dir. by Francios Gingras)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian ”thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network. 

Why Was I Watching It?

My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep.  Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days.  I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep.  No, it didn’t work.  I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.

What’s It About?

It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford.  However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared.  As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent. 

(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into.  I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away.  Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)

Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers.  Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her.  But who?

What Worked?

Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!”  That made me smile.

Voyeurs hiding in the walls?  Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!

What Didn’t Work?

My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue.  And acting.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!’ Moment

At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open.  “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”

Lessons Learned

Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Ex (dir. by Mark L. Lester)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched The Ex on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

As I was feeling ill, I had already made myself a little pillow fort in the living room and I was curled up with my wonderfully soft Hello Kitty pillow.  It just seemed, at that moment, that watching the Lifetime Movie Network was really the only appropriate thing to do.  (Plus, quite frankly, my options are limited now that we’re between seasons of Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, and Hell’s Kitchen.)

What’s It About?

Psychotic Yancy Butler, having already committed two murders, decides to move to New York and stalk her ex-husband (played by Nick Mancuso).  Since leaving Butler, Mancuso has married Suzy Amis and now has a five year-old son who is dealing with rage issues of his own.  After befriending Amis, Butler forces her way into Mancuso’s life and kills a lot of people.

 What Worked:

Yancy Butler gives a wonderfully over-the-top, campy performance that is full of arched eyebrows and sardonic smirks.  She delivers every line as if she’s auditioning for a community theater production of Double Indemnity.  She appears to be having so much fun with her role that you actually end up hoping that she’ll manage to kill both Mancuso and Amis (both of whom are far less entertaining). 

Director Mark L. Lester is an exploitation vet (he’s best known for directing The Class of 1984) and, as a result, this film has a bit more flair than what you typically find on the Lifetime Movie Network.

What Didn’t Work

This is a Canadian film that apparently went straight-to-video in the States.  As a result, New York City looks a lot like Toronto.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!” Moment

I have almost the exact same outfit hanging in my closet that Yancy Butler wears in the 1st few scenes of this movie.

Lessons Learned:

Your man’s ex really is as much of a psycho bitch as you think she is.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Perfect Teacher (dir. by Jim Donavon)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi.  This is the 1st edition of something that I like to call What Lisa Watched Last Night.  Because, y’see, I not only love movies and books.  I watch a lot of TV as well.

Last night, after we got home from spending the day at the holiday family reunion at my uncle’s, my sister Erin and I turned on Lifetime and watched an encore presentation of the “original Lifetime movie,” The Perfect Teacher. 

Why Was I Watching This?

When this movie premiered back in September, I watched it because, based on the commercials, it looked silly and fun.  Plus, it was on Lifetime and, no matter how much I love the Grindhouse, I’m a girly girl at heart.  As for last night, I watched it mostly because I was too worn out from the holidays to do much of anything else.

What’s The Movie About:

Devon (Megan Park) is a spoiled rich girl who develops a crush on her new teacher, Jim Wilkes (David Charvet).  Jim is also the coach of the Girl’s Volleyball Team and Devon volunteers to work as his assistant.  Before leaving on a volleyball road trip, Devon buys sexy lingerie which apparently is meant to let us know that she’s crazy.  (Though really, why wouldn’t you buy sexy lingerie before going on a road trip with David Charvet?  I mean, he’s a terrible actor but look at him!)  Anyway, the team’s staying in a hotel, Devon knocks on Charvet’s door, Charvet answers the door without his shirt on and…uhm, yeah.  Okay, how stupid is David Charvet not to know that when he’s the only adult present with a group of female minors, he needs to answer the door with his shirt on?  Seriously, way to be a tease, Charvet.  Anyway, long story short — Devon declares her love for Charvet, Charvet rejects her because he’s married to boring, old Rachel (Boti Bliss) so Devon gets behind the wheel of an SUV and runs Rachel down while she’s jogging.

Some other stuff happens but basically, all you really need to know is: lingerie-clad Park, shirtless Charvet, and hit-and-run Bliss.

What Worked:

The movie not only looks silly and fun — it is silly and fun!  Ever since I originally saw this, I’ve been taking advantage of any opportunity to quote Devon: “I can be your dream or I can be your …. NIGHTMARE!”  Megan Park actually does a pretty good job playing Devon.  David Charvet can’t act but he’s nice to look at.  As the wife, Boti Bliss has really boring hair and is kinda whiney but then she gets run over by a rampaging SUV.

What Didn’t Work:

Hey, it’s Lifetime.  It all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me moment!”

 Who hasn’t had a crush on a teacher?  Me, I pretty much developed a crush on every male teacher/professor that I ever had.  However, when I think about teenage crushes I had on older men, I always end up thinking about Mark.  Mark wasn’t a teacher but he was engaged to marry Ms. Conn, who was our Speech and Debate coach.  I was 17 at the time and he was 23.  Eventually, Mark accompanied us when we went to a speech tournament in San Antonio.  Much as in The Perfect Teacher, the entire team stayed at a motel and, for me, the highlight of the trip was the night when I put on the pink Victoria’s Secret nightie I’d bought specifically for the trip, snuck out of my room, pulled the fire alarm, and met Mark as he came running out of his room clad only in his boxers.

I guess that’s not as extreme as getting behind the wheel of an SUV and running down someone’s wife but still, we’ve all played the role of obsessive stalker chick at least once or twice in our life.

Lessons Learned:

It’s not a Lifetime movie unless there’s some sort of lesson learned or deeper truth revealed by the end of the film.  The lesson of The Perfect Teacher appear to be that even if you do marry a really nice, handsome guy who doesn’t cheat on you or plot your murder, chances are that he’s still going to unintentionally lead on some psycho bitch who will end up running you down in her car while you’re out jogging.  In short, even good men are idiots and anyone younger and/or prettier than you is psychotic and looking to ruin your life. 

Anyway, since this is Lifetime, you can be sure that The Perfect Teacher will be rerun at least three or four times a year until the end of time.  I know a few readers might be saying, “But, Lisa, we wouldn’t be caught dead watching Lifetime.”  And, to you, I say…I can be your dream or I can be your….NIGHTMARE!