Dear James Cameron,
Hi, my name is Lisa Marie Bowman and I hate just about every movie you’ve ever made. Well, that’s not totally true. First off, I haven’t seen every movie you’ve ever made. And I have to admit that when I was 12, I would cry and cry whenever I saw Titanic. So, let’s just say that I hate Avatar and I thought it was kinda fun to watch your ex-wife kick your ass at the Oscars earlier this year.
From my research, it appears that you take issue with people who disagree with you or who dare to suggest that you might not be the greatest filmmaker since DeMille. So, let me just add that this letter is being written by me and me only. When you send out your army of Orcs to punish the heretic at Through The Shattered Lens, they need only come for me. I may think you’re just a cranky, old dumbfug toadsucker but that’s my opinion and mine alone.
See, good people can have differing opinions. Unfortunately, just judging from some of your comments in the past, I don’t think you quite understand that. Maybe that explains why, rather than defend your movie, you always seem to end up accusing your critics of supporting global warming and the war in Iraq. Maybe that’s why the few Oscars that Avatar won were all accepted by balding little eunuchs who spent their whole acceptance speech praising your name as if they knew that if they didn’t, you’d end up going all psycho killer on them.
But I’m getting off topic.
This letter was inspired by the news that you’re apparently planning on setting the sequel to Avatar underwater.
Wow, that sounds really, really …. boring.
Listen, James, I’m going to help you out. Here’s my plotline for Avatar 2, which, trust me, is a lot more interesting than anything you’re planning on doing.
The film opens on Earth. As you explained in the first film, there “is no green” on Earth. But there are television networks and there are documentary crews. One of these networks has recently sent a group of young filmmakers to Pandora. Their assignment? To track down the Na’vi and to make a documentary about these “brutal savages” and their life on the green hell that is Pandora.
(Yes, James, this film is a prequel. Perhaps you could have Jake’s brother getting murdered in the background of one of the opening New York City shots.)
However, a week after the documentary crew first arrived on Pandora, all contact with them has been lost. The television networks hires a portly anthropology professor to go to Pandora and find out what has happened. Before the professor leaves on his mission, he is informed that the documentarians frequently staged the very atrocities that their films are known for.
Our anthropology professor — let’s call him Nick, since I know you like to dumb things down — goes to Pandora. With the help of a native guide, he manages to track down the Na’vi and win their trust. Taken to the Na’vi village, he discovers that the remains of the documentary crew are hanging from the Soul Tree. He realizes that they were captured and eaten by the Na’vi. However, the Na’vi did not destroy any of the film crew’s cameras. The footage of their final days in the jungles of Pandora has been preserved. Nick steals the footage and manages to make it back to “civilization” even as hordes of angry Na’vi chase after him (not mention Sigourney Weaver who can do a cameo somewhere around here).
While all this is going on, the film will occasionally pause to show grainy stock footage of various jungle animals being killed in various sickening ways.
Nick returns to Earth with the film. Sitting in a dark theater with the television executives, Nick views the footage.
Now, James, this is the tricky part. The “found footage” will dominate the last 40 minutes of Avatar 2. It’s important that the footage look so authentic that, for decades after, various dumbfugs will swear that they’re watching actual footage of actual people being eaten on camera. So, you’re going to have to abandon the 3-D for this part of the film. Instead, you’ll have to develop a multi-billion dollar process that will make the film look damaged. I’m talking about random scratches, unsynchronized sound, solarization, the whole deal.
As for the footage itself, this is what will make Avatar 2 special. We’ll see how the documentary crew staged “reality.” We’ll watch as they set a Na’Vi village on fire and how they arrogantly assumed that they’re superior to the natives. Finally, however, the Na’Vi will strike back and, in the film’s final moment, we’ll watch as the documentarians are eaten by the Na’Vi while their own cameras silently record the massacre.
We’ll call it Avatar 2: Na’Vi Holocaust.
I think it could be a winner.